Post # 1
I wrote recently and i need more advice —
My boyfriend and I were moving toward engagement — rings purchased, parents aware, etc. I only found out about the engagement after he left some information laying around regarding the plans. It was supposed to be a big surprise.
Fast forward — He came out and told me that he made a huge mistake by cheating with another woman. No sex, but he did kiss her on separate occasions. Obviously, I was hurt because I fully expected to be engaged to him within the next few months. We broke up and decided to “work on us” and reconvene later.
During the separation he “struggled with being alone” and began to engage in conversation with many women. I began snooping and got really jealous. He tried reassuring me that he was only interested in me and us healing from what happened but i couldnt shake the feelings i had about him dealing with other women. He felt that I was being unfair because we’re separated and he should be able to use the time as he pleases. He isnt sleeping around or trying to hurt me so we should just focus on getting ourselves together as individuals since the cheating sort of messed us both up.
Fast Foward again — we went no contact for 2 months. It was mututal. He reached out and we began conversing again. however, I had developed this extremely unhealthy habit of going through his emails and checking his call logs. EVERYTHING made me suspicious, even the innocent things. It turns out that he had cut ties with many of the women but i was still very insecure.
I went to visit him 2 weeks ago (his mom was hospitalized so we both went to help out around her house. This was the 2nd time i had seen him since the infidelity..). I was sooo mean to him! He says that my comments were border line abusive. Im just so scared of letting him close again because he hurt me so badly by cheating. We got into a big argument on his birthday and he said he’s tired. He cant allow me to continue beating him up for his mistake when he has tried to fix it. (he wanted to start all over — from being friends and see if it’s “meant to be”)
I really want to reconcile and forgive him for cheating. I jsut dont know how. I have begun counseling but im just so afraid that I’ve already pushed him away by being so mean for the last 6 months. I love him very much and I want him but im just so afriad of being hurt.
Has anyone experienced this? What should I do?
Post # 3
@Laydeeofsong: As an outside observer I’m going to comment on how backwards this situation seems.
He cheated on you while planning your engagement. Now you feel guilty for being mean to him?! The hell?
I’m going to give you some advice that you might not want to hear, but is probably for the best.
He cheated before you were even married. This is a big red flag. How do you think he will act when you are married for 5, 10, 15+ years? If he’s bored with you now/tempted by other women, I guarantee he will be worse in the future.
Clearly the trust is gone. What is a relationship without trust? Marriages are hard enough when the trust is there.
If I were you, I would find a guy that you don’t need to make excuses for. Someone who is eager to marry you, and doesn’t get distracted by other women while planning your engagement. Someone who KNOWS he wants to be with you. It will save you a lot of heartache later on!
I’m sorry this is happening to you but it’s probably better that it happened now vs. later on. Divorces are expensive. Good luck, and find a guy who deserves you!
Post # 4
@canarydiamond: I agree with this entire post. It sums up all that you’re feeling right now and probably will always feel. Cut your losses and even though it can be painful you should just end your relationship now. You’ll be so thankful in the long run that you did not go through with an engagement or marriage.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry, but I agree with throughthebarricades
I’ve been where you are and it became an endless of cycle of the same behavior, from both of us.
Post # 6
I don’t get why he was talking to somany women if the main focus was supposed to be fixing your relationship. I have no idea what you said to him that he thought was so mean, so I can’t really comment on that, but I do think it is unrealistic of him toexpect you to move on and start over without hearing your feelings or waiting for the hurt to subside a bit (2 months may be a while but clearly it was not long enough for this situation!) I also think it is pretty insensitive for him to be off with other women while expecting you to just deal with it on your own so he diesn’t have to hear about it anymore! Is this really the person you want to be with forever? The way you want to be treated forever?
Post # 7
Its the talking to women while you were apart that concerns me. He made a mistake and told you about it..thats one thing..i think that can be fixed. however its the cant be alone talking to other women that is SO concerning.
Post # 8
How can you reconcile with a man that obviously has no respect for you? It will not get better. Just be glad you found out before you got married.
Post # 9
I personally wouldn’t be able to give this relationship another go. He cheated while he was planning your wedding, on more than one ocassion! Also, to go from being apart, to reconciling, to being engaged, is too much, too fast. You were mean to him? GOOD. What does he think he has treated YOU like? He’s telling you that YOU have been abusive when HE is the cheater. He’s continued to talk to other women while you’ve been apart. He wasn’t trying to do anything and everything to prove he was truly sorry. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but you deserve so much better than this man.
Post # 10
I would not reconcile. Do yourself a favor and cut ties.
Post # 11
I agree with other OP’s you clearly cannot trust him again and it will not get better by getting married. Cut your losses and move on as hard as that is.
Post # 12
“He felt that I was being unfair because we’re separated and he should be able to use the time as he pleases” WHAAAAAAAAATTTT???? thats outageous, he cannot use this time as he pleases if it werent for his infidelity you wouldnt be seperated at all. Im sorry OP but he is not trying to fix things even if he says he is actions speak louder than words. It seems like he really doesnt care if he is talking to other women, I say run and run fast!
“He cant allow me to continue beating him up for his mistake when he has tried to fix it.” Am I imagining these comments, this is insane! You can do better than this slimeball. He cheated not you, you dont owe him anything he should be kissing the ground you walk on instead he’s parading around with other women and making you feel guilty for being upset, please leave him for your hearts sake.
Post # 13
@canarydiamond: I completely agree. Although this might be a hard thing to swallow, it’s true. The way someone acts before you are married only increases after marriage. If he was really wanting to heal this relationship, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be seeking out other women AT ALL. My friend went through something quite similar to this situation and they ended up getting married anyways and what do you know less than a year into their marriage he had gone off and cheated on her with more than one woman! You deserve someone who like throughthebarricades said, you should have someone eager to marry you. Don’t ever ever EVER settle for something less than wonderful.
Post # 15
I agree with the bees and it sounds a bit like this guy doesn’t know what he wants – if he was commited to getting back together, why was he pursuing other girls in the meantime? I know he says you were on a break, but his behavior doesn’t match up with what he’s saying. I’d take some time out to really think about this and if he wants you back he should be working damn hard to regain your trust.
Post # 16
You should break up with him.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this and you probably don’t want to hear it but it would really be the best for YOU in the long run. He hasn’t made significant changes for you even to begin trusting him again. “Cutting ties with many of the women” isn’t good enough. And he’s tired because he thought he would get out of this predicament easier than this. The other PP’s are right, actions are louder than words and he’s practically screaming at you that he isn’t ready to commit to just you for better, for worse.
I wish you the best!