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Check out www.survivinginfidelity.com. There are lots of people that are now and have gone through this. Read. It is one of the best sites out there on this issue.
My religion believes that marriage vows can't be dissolved by infidelity, so I would stay. Though I'm sure when you are in that situation, it's a much, much harder decision to make.
I'm guessing this was 5 months ago? (based on your kids age?) If so, I wouldn't be surprised at all that you are still thinking about her every day. Of course you aren't over it yet. You are still mourning and grieving and taking care of a newborn. That is hard!
I don't want to tell you "wait it out" cause no one can make that decision but you. But don't beat yourself up over not being over it. I'm sure it's a long, long healing process. And that's okay. Hard, but okay.
An affair - as in multiple indiscretions? I would not stay. I could see myself forgiving a one night stand but not a long lasting affiar.
If you want to leave, do you really have nowhere to go? Not parents, a family member, or a friend's? Even for a week or two, to get a plan set up.
Only you can really decide what works for you, but if you are staying, even for now, you both should be working really hard to make the relationship work.
He needs to be earning your trust again.
You both need to be spending time together, without the kids, to reconnect.
You both need to discuss why he cheated in the first place and is there anything you both can do to fix any problems? Did he feel unloved because of not enough time with you? Can you instate date nights? etc.
You cant be expected to "just forget", but you also can't expect everything to just keep going as it was before because if there are underlying issues, he may be tempted to cheat again.
EDIT: I am not saying cheating is justified or its your fault, but its usually a symptom of a problem. Most cheaters don't just go "I am really happy at home, but I am going to pursue a relationship emotional and physical just because I think its fun to sneak around on my family"
Think of this as chance to really dig down into the depths of your relationship, to build it, fix it and grow. It is possible to have a stronger relationship post-cheating. It just takes work. In some respects, this was a warning to work on your relationship. Hypothetically, if he relationship just continued to deteriorate it could end up in a bitter marriage and divorce. Now you at least have a chance to salvage your marriage.
I wouldn't stay. As many STD's and STI's that are out there, I couldn't do it! I think one thing people have to realize is that if you forgive him and decide to stay, you can't keep holding it against him. I'm not saying you're doing this - I've witnessed this before, and it doesn't work. So keep that in mind. I think your kids would rather have you be happy being single, rather than staying with your husband and being unhappy.
If any woman really wants to leave, they can always find somewhere to go. It's a matter of using your resources, whether it's family, friends, community shelters, etc. I hope I'm not coming off harshly, that is not my intention at all. I am sending positive vibes your way, and I hope things work out for your happiness!
@ lefeymw- This exactly you need to get to the bottom of the reason why the cheating occured in the first place and go from there to see if you can salvage the relationship.
I was cheated on in a previous long term relationship...after I found out he promised it would never happen again and that he only wanted to be with me. Over the next year I tried to forget and forgive but I never could...and he ended up cheating again. Because of my past expeirience I would never stay with a man who cheated. I was not in your situation as far as being married with a child however. Im so sorry this happened to you...I know how much it hurts! Good luck to you..
I don't think I could stay. I would hold it over him the rest of his life - which isnt a healthy way to live. I don't think I would be able to move on.
As a PP suggested, I do agree that you should probably get to bottom of why he cheated to determine if your relationship is worth salvaging. What was he thinking or feeling (or if he was at all)? I would also try to understand if he truly values his family - he cheated on you, but also on your children because it will impact them (whether they find out about it in the future or not). I wouldnt sweep this under the rug or let him off the hook quickly. He might think he could get away with it again.
It's hard with 3 kids, but could you go to a family member's home for a short time while you are working this out. Or better yet, can he go to a friend's or family member's home? He should be the one out of the home - not you and the children.
@zx: I'd probably leave. Even though my vows are permanent as jedeve said , I couldn't stand infidelity. It's unacceptable. I'd keep my kids and raise them myself.
Also, I'd place more blame on my spouse versus some coworker. It seems you're angrier at her than him, when you should be pissed at him also. I suggest therapy to work through it. If he's heartily sorry, then I might give him one more chance but not without some massive changes. Like trust building exercises, calling often, not taking business trips, leaving the current job he's at to avoid the coworker, etc.
I hope I'm never in this situation, and feel for those who are/have been, but I'd imagine that I wouldn't be able to handle it and I'd leave. I just have a hard time spending the next several decades with him and not be suspicious every time he goes to get groceries.
Good luck to you!
A lot of people survive it and move on with a lot of work. You have to forgive and forget and that takes a lot of work and time.
In your situation, I can say I would most likely TRY to make it work, but I can't guarantee success and I have to say that I am lucky enough to never have been in that situation, so I can't say for 100% certain. Thinking about it right now, I would probably just try to focus on anything except her and seek professional help to see what some of the deeper issues, if any, might be there for you and your husband individually and together.
I wouldn't stay.. well, that's my humble opinion taking in count I've never been (thankfully) in that situation!. I know it must be terribly hard to afront, having three kids and nowhere to go, but are you sure you don't have anyone who can help you while you find a job and a place to live? People survive this kind of problems everyday! It may not be easy, but I think it's much worse to be with someone who respects you so little that he didn't care a damn bit to cheat on you on several ocassions while you were pregnant!! WTH???? I don't know if people who cheat can come to a point in which they'll never cheat again, but all of the men I've known as cheaters, have cheated they whole life, even after been discovered several times with different women, one of those men was my own grand father. He got another woman pregnant almost at the same time he got my grand mom pregnant too!!! Eventually, he left that woman, but he chose another one and continue with her untill he died (yet he did not leave my grand mom) and you know, my grand mom just "accepted it". I don't like at all men who cheat. I don't accept that! Men who cheat are basically proclaming that they don't give a s*** about the poor woman and kids waiting for them at home!
You don't even have to leave right now, but you can start by finding a job (and I suppose a babysitter, if the work you find doesn't offer a place for kids to stay) and don't tell your husband about it, before anyone tells me that this is deceitful, well, I'll say he was already deceitful enough for the rest of his life! So instead of worring about him, I'd be worring about me and my kids! Trust me, it's not good for kids to have a cheating parent.. My dad's sisters have serious emotional issues. One is like the servant of his husband and does as he wishes (and before marring him she was with a married man hoping he would leave his wife or with men who did not respected her!) and the other one is still with a married man! Because of course if that's what you see at your home and you see your mom bearing through it, you simply think this kind of unhappiness is the normal thing.
However, you are the only one who can judge if he'll be honest to you from now on or will cheat again eventually, and you're def. the only one who can decide if you want to forgive him (and if you can). Honestly I think I couldn't. I would feel humiliated in such a deep and terrible way!
Wish you the best!
(P.D: and I don't think a therapyst would help. Therapy may be good for some problems, but as far a for people who are such bad persons, well, theraphy don't make miracles! I mean, I wouldn't been naive enough as to believe they will change thanks to a few sessions, for it's not as if they didn't know they were doing something terribly wrong!)
I think each person is very different from each other. Only you know deep down inside if you can eventually make some sort of peace with it in order to live a healthy mental/emotional life. I think one of the hardest things about it is once you work through it, you can never really keep going back to it, you will have to forgive and move on in order to have a quality life again.
I would not stay; plain and simple, and this is based on past experience. In my experience, and this may not be true for every relationship, once they stray, they will do it again; no matter how hard you work to keep your marriage together. In my experience, you can be the best of everything, and they will still go somewhere else because in their mind, you forgave them once, so you will forgive them again.
I wouldn't stay I learned after my ex FI cheated and I tried to forgive him and work things out... it's just too hard for me. I'm not saying other people can't do it but every time he would kiss me or touch me I'd see that girl in my head... I couldn't handle it and I couldn't get over it or trust him again. I gave up on him which I found out was a good thing since he's cheated on his current g/f a few times. If you decide to stay go to a therapist if you decide to leave be strong. As hard as it was for me to stay with my ex it was even harder to leave and I fell back a few times until I was strong enough to know this was for the best. Good luck.
I personally, could never stay. I would never be able to fully get over it and I wouldn't want to live my life having to constantly worry. But I wish you the best of luck.
I also am in the camp of not staying. I was emotionally cheated on my FI and that almost made me leave. If he actually cheated, once or multiple times with the same person or a whole whack of girls makes no difference to me either. I'd be gone.
If he felt the need to get his rocks of with another woman, then obviously I wasn't doing it for him and I would find a man who I was enough for.
I am sorry for this bs you're going through.
I could not stay. As far as I'm concerned, he broke the vows he made to you and you don't have to stay because of the vows at that point. However, if you are of a religion that doesn't see it that way, I guess you have your answer. Otherwise, I just could never see the person the same again, no trust. Trust is hard to come by in the first place, I wouldn't be able to live with someone I constantly had to worry about.
wow that's horrible, I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this especially since you have 3 young kids.
I would leave. I would pack up and leave. I would find somewhere to go. Friend, Relative or parents. I would just go. Once you are out it's easier to assess what to do next especially with the support of a friend or family.
I don't know how your relationship was with your husband before you found out he was cheating, so it's hard to tell you if you should stay or go.
From an outsider looking in, I see a very selfish man that put his family's happiness and well being in jeopardy to satisfy his own wants. That is the worst kind of selfishness when a man does that to his kids and the woman he supposedly loves.
For this reason I would say you should go, there are men out there that commit themselves to their wife and kids and/or stepkids and don't cheat.
I only wish the best for you and for your children. :( hugs.
I feel for you--this is a situation that hurts no matter what choice you make.
I know for me, I would not stay. SO and I both agreed at the beginning of our relationship that cheating was a zero tolerance thing.
But it totally depends on you. I know of many people who stayed for their children, because they couldn't support themselves, etc. Some have worked out, others eventually ended up divorced. Since this happened so recently, it's probably hard to imagine a time when you could ever not have it in the back of your mind. Maybe take some time to let things settle - then make a decision about what is best for you and your children.
..Sending positive vibes your way ((hugs))
@lefeymw: Same. I think if you're both committed to working through it, you can do it.
It's hard to say. My initial instinct is to say no... but it depends. It depends on the circumstances (based on the circumstances I would be HIGHLY distraught and you'd better believe he's finding a new job..) but also, the way he acts after I find out. Does he seem genuinely sorry, or does he just expect me to let it go? I would test him by leaving, first. Just up and walking away, taking everything (and kids) and see how hard he's willing to work to get me back. He needs to understand the depth of your pain and realize that it's not going to be all roses and sunshine if he says "sorry", just because you have kids.
Also, read this: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/how-did-you-get-over-cheating#post-2374313
Having been through this, here is my suggested plan:
1. Get counselling. Yes, there is a problem in the relationship but that NEVER excuses infidelity. He had the choice to "man-up" and talk to you about what wasn't working for him, but he chose not to. He also could be one of those guys who is always going to need a new conquest to feed his fragile ego.
2. Start preparing yourself to leave should you ever decide to. Open a bank account in your own name if you don't already have one. Get your car transferred to your name if it isn't already. Same with your credit cards. Start putting away money each week or month in your account- what ever you can spend that you don't have to account for. Add money to the grocery bill- whatever you have to do so that you have a leaving fund and can survive for a few months.
3. Think seriously about whether you would want to stay where you are , for the sake of the kids and tell him to move out.
4. Go and see a lawyer to ensure you know what the legal consequences are to any move you make. There are free services out there .
To answer your question, yes I would leave. Been there, done that. I honestly don't know how those wives (or husbands) who have been cheated on, ever rebuild trust.
This sort of issue and the destruction from it can go on for years. And you know what? Infidelity crushes many marriages for a reason: because so very few people can trust a partner again afterward and move on. Before this can all truly be over, you need to learn the reasons why your husband strayed: the variety? Did it make him feel young again that he could attract another woman? He has to get to the root causes for his infidelity so you can ensure that this WON'T happen again.
And you need to set an example now. I wouldn't be treating him well - if only because it will encourage him that he can screw up this way again, get a slap on the wrist and then everything returns to normal.
I'd suggest counseling for him, then marital counseling for the both of you at the base of it. And start getting your own life in order: get a job if you don't already have one, contact family members and friends to set up an 'escape,' start contacting a lawyer to work out agreements, etc. If the only reason you're staying with this man is because of the kids...it doesn't bode well.
Plus, I take it your husband still sees this woman at work. I'm sure it stabs at you every time he goes.
I'd say leave. I wouldn't tolerate someone cheating on me.
No way would I stay. In fact I would leave FOR my kids. Children deserve mothers with the self respect to expect more than that. You are not doing your children any favors by staying for them. This type of thing makes me sick because women who say they are staying for the kids really mean "I am willing to sacrifice my dignity because I am too scared, dependent, needy, broke, etc to leave."
I would not stay. I can get past or through anything, except that. Once the trust is gone, it all is. Good luck with what you decide, I wish you and your babies all the best.
@burris4: "Children deserve mothers with the self respect to expect more than that." This.
This is not to say that you must 100% leave if you have any self-respect (obviously I don't know the details of your situation), but if you do stay, it HAS to be for reasons other than your kids. Kids are much more damaged by parents in unhealthy, unhappy relationships than they would be by a divorced mother and father who are each happy, confident, and complete in their own right. Believe me, the best example you can set for your children is to honor and respect yourself throughout this process, whether that means leaving your husband or staying with him.
that's hard. my FI and I agree that we would break up for sure if one of us cheated, we feel really strongly about it. but I've never been in your situation, so I can't say for sure!
my sister was in your situation, and they were able to work it out, fyi.
every couple is different.
I would only take my husband back if our marriage and sex life were going down the tubes and neither one of us were really working on things like we should have been. I would ask myself why he felt the need to go somewhere else and if the answer was that I haven't been into the marriage or I've been sexually disconnected, etc.. then a part of me would understand and I would want to try and fix our marriage. I'm not saying I would completely take the blame, obviously it doesn't completely excuse that behavior, but a lot of women get cheated on and want to play the victim role and not take a look at themselves as part of the blame. If you haven't given it up in over a year or you sleep in separate beds and barely talk, then I'm sorry, what do you expect?
But if things were totally fine and we were still having great sex and getting along and and he strayed, then I'd probably bail and be very angry at myself for not picking up on that "double lifer" bullshit.
So I guess ask yourself how have things REALLY been? Be honest with yourself. And if you truly want to work things out and think that it won't happen again, you're going to have to give it a lot more time to heal. And also don't forget that forgiving and FORGETTING go hand in hand.
If you haven't given it up in over a year or you sleep in separate beds and barely talk, then I'm sorry, what do you expect?
NO ONE deserves to be cheated on. NO ONE. And there is NEVER, EVER, EVER a reason to cheat. If she hasn't given it up in over a year, (which, having three kids under three, it's obviously that isn't the case), that still does not give him the right to cheat.
If you marriage is shitty for whatever reason, you get a divorce. Or you go to a counselor, or a pastor/priest. You get professional help. You DO NOT bring a third party into the marriage under any circumstances, (obviously I am not referring to those with an agreed upon open marriage, but referring to those who are cheating).
To the OP: I am very, very sorry you are dealing with this. I cannot believe a man with three young children would have the audacity to cheat on his family. Personally, I would not/could not stay with someone who had so little respect for OUR children and I. Whether or not you decide to say, please see a professional to help you through these difficult times. *hugs*
yea i had the same thought about the fact that they have 3 young children together so things must be decent if they are still having sex, but i didn't want to come out and say that he's probably a selfish piece of shit.
cheating is completely circumstantial in my opinion. sometimes it's forgiveable and sometimes it's not. no one is perfect. and you should know that men tend to equate love with sex...just like how we equate love with the thoughtful things they do for us. when they stop doing those things for us, we feel neglected and unloved. when we stop sleeping with them, they feel neglected and unloved. in a perfect world, no one would cheat and everyone would go to therapy and BLA BLA BLA. but sometimes shit happens.
I am very sorry you are dealing with this.
I'm going to disagree with many of these ladies though.
Cheating is not by any means a " once a cheater always a cheater" circumstance. Sometimes people do cheat throughout their lives, and sometimes people learn from their mistakes. Like anything else in this world.
You need to think about yourself. If no children were involved would you stay? If the answer is yes, then stay. If the answer is no, then you need to hink long and hard about whether or not its worth it.
Your husband made a mistake, and I hope, he really has learned his lesson. Him cheating does not make him a piece of shit, a selfish bastard, or an arrogant prick. It makes him human. Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes not this grand, sometimes grander, but in the end, we all err. You are his wife, and if you love him, and want to be with him, despite having children with him, then I encourage you to work through this.
It will take time, and that's ok. Go out with friends when you can, take up a hobby. make sometime for yourself. Become a confident strong woman, so that if things go sour, you can walk away fearless.
I understand, I have a son, and I think it makes a heck of alot of a difference in what one will endure in a relationship. And I have thought about the circumstances if this were my husband. And I would most likely work things out with him ( given alot of other stuff was well within our relationship) because not just the children, but the family, and the unit we have created.
Your husband is not a monster, he made a mistake. If you can forgive him, and learn to trust again, then you can work through this. And anyone is capable of love and forgiveness.
In a word NO. I would not stay. Children or not. Once the trust is broken (for me) it's broken. That may be harsh and I may be a bad person, but there is no turning back for me on this subject. I was married, my husband cheated, I ended the relationship and I'm so glad that I did. He tired for a year to get back with me. I would have lived in constant wondering if I had taken him back.
Life's too short.
You do have somewhere to go! Thousands upon thousands of women survive this situation.
I'm sorry this happened to you, I know how devastating and degrading it can be.
I can't tell you to stay or leave, but I will say that my parents stayed together after an affair and I have wished every day since I was 13 years old that they would just get divorced. Even on the "good days".
I don't know the details enough to tell you what decision is right or wrong. I just know that for myself, given the details you've given us, I couldn't deal with it. And I wouldn't want my misery/lack of trust/resentment to influence our children. I would leave. And work to have an amicable co-parent relationship for the children.
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Ive been married with my husband for 3 years and have 3 kids under the age of three,Just had my last one 3 months ago.
Well I caught my husband having an affair with another married woman from his job, she knew about me and that i was 7 months pregnant (my sister and best friend also worked with them) and I did confront her and a I told her husband everything, anyways my husband did not want to be with her after I found out and wanted to work things out with me. I did chose to stay for the sake of our kids, but I just ca't get over it she is still in my mind everyday and it still drives me crazy. If this happent to you would you stay? ( Plus I have nowhere to go)