Post # 1
I’m just curios as to others’ experiences with this, and what everyone else’s take is.
I wouldn’t say that I necessarily have trust ‘issues;’ I feel that I’m pretty reasonable about my expectations in a relationship. In all, I’d call myself pretty laid back. But for me, once trust is broken, it’s extremely difficult to earn back.
If I were cheated on after I was already married, I’d like to think that I’d have the strength to stick it out and work through it with my husband. But I don’t think I can ever really know how I’d react in that situation until/unless it came.
However, if I were cheated on before I got married, I feel like I’d owe it to myself to call off the relationship- I personally wouldn’t want to go into a marriage with that weighing on me and I would absolutely need to trust my husband. And it always seems like people who cheat once end up cheating again.
On the OTHER hand, I do know a few couples who went through that, worked through it, got married, and seem to be perfectly fine.
What do you think?
Do you think, “once a cheater, always a cheater?” Or do you think sometimes people just make a one-time mistake? What would (or did) you do if (or when) it happened to you?
Post # 3
I cannot imagine a situation where cheating is an “honest mistake” Everyone knows it is wrong.
I think most cheaters are repeat offenders, however I’m sure there are instances of people who did it once and never again, I just wouldn’t call it an honest mistake.
Post # 4
I know you’re a Christian, I’ve seen your posts. So am I. I do believe in forgiveness and I do believe in God’s power to change people; therefore, I do not believe, “once a cheater, always a cheater” is always a true statement.
With that said, I will say, had DH cheated on me before we were married, I would have forgiven him but left him. If he would ever do such a thing during our marriage, I would do my best to forgive him and work it out. But I do believe adultery is biblical grounds for divorce. I suppose it would really depend on the situation and his repentant heart.
Are you posting this because you’re afraid your guy is cheating or because he has cheated?
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
I truly believe people can make a one time mistake, however at the same time for a relationship to continue afterwards, certain things need to happen/have happened, for instance admitting it up front and not having gotten caught, cutting off contact with the other person, and most importantly a lot of time to be trusted again. I would also think that it would be easier to “try again” if the incident happened early on in the relationship, although at the same time in that case it would also be easier to just leave.
Post # 6
First, I think marriage-cheating is WAY different than dating-cheating.
A person who cheated in a past relationship can definitely be committed in future relationships and never cheat, but I don’t think its quite as simple if 1 partner cheats and the couple stays together. I hope I’m never in that situation when I’m married because I really don’t know what I would choose.
Post # 7
When I was cheated on in past relationships, those guys were “serial cheaters”.
However, I believe it can be a one-time thing and that the saying “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is not always true. It would be easier for me to forgive in a one-time instance and if he was really sorry, then with a “serial cheater” who finally got caught.
Post # 8
While I wouldnt stay with someone who cheated on me because to me thats the worst disrespect anyone could ever do to someone I have to admit I have cheated on an EX boyfriend. I felt like crap and regret it but it made me realise that he wasn’t the one for me if I was capable of doing that to him. Now that Im with FI I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER do anything even inappropriate like texting another guy let alone cheat, so I certaintly don’t believe in ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ I just think you have to be with the right person. I think you can love someone and still cheat on them but I think when you find that once in a lifetime, cant stand to be away from your other half kind of love, cheating is out of the question!
Post # 9
There is no such thing as a cheater, IMO- defined by a person who will always cheat- but it is possible that they will always cheat in that particular relationship. Cheating is a complex issue and people do it for a variety of reasons, many of which are very human. Not all cheating is like the movies, or the token “guy who just is an asshole who wants some and doesn’t appreciate woman.” I think it is a complex issue that cannot be blanketed. I also think it is important to acknowledge that cheating is often a side effect of other things, not just “one person being bad,” so I do not know that there is such as thing as a “cheater” (or serial cheater) yet it is possible some people have that particular problem- I think most cheating is much more complex. I guess I do not blanket cheating as even necessarily a bad thing always- when it is dating cheating. (But there may be inherent bad things that can go along with it- such as lying- which to me is unexcusable.)
To me, marriage cheating is very different than dating-cheating- because once married you have made a commitment not to let that happen and to work out your problems in some other way.
Post # 10
People make mistakes and people can change. I don’t believe in “once a cheater, always a cheater”.
I’m Christian, so I see divorce truly as a last resort. If my husband cheated, I would do my best to work it out with him and save our marriage before filing.
If my husband had cheated before we were married, I probably still would have tried to sort things out, but I would be more likely to give up on it and move on.
Post # 11
I don’t believe “once a cheater always a cheater” applies to someone who has cheated, especially if it was in a previous relationship.
I cheated on a few ex boyfriends when I was younger, and I ended up breaking up with both of them eventually. I (now) know it was because I was either looking for something/someone else to make up for what was missing in that relationship or it was because he wasn’t the guy for me (I later ended these relationships because I eventually realized these things). At the time I was young and stupid and holding onto a relationship I should have let go much eariler.
Now, my relationship with my fiance is completely unlike anything else I’ve ever had because I get everything I need naturally from him, because we both want and need very similar things. I couldn’t even IMAGINE ever cheating on him or being seriously tempted to want to.
Unless someone is a sex addict or not invested in the relationship, I think there is a reason someone cheats, and generally there is an underlying issue in/with the relationship. Cheating in a marriage is far worse than cheating while you’re dating, because you’ve vowed to be faithful and you should be trying to correct any problems by some other means…
Post # 12
@howtobeawife: LOL no, he would never cheat on me.
I’ve just seen a *lot* of cheating threads lately and it made me curious.
I agree- I’d be able to forgive, but I don’t know if I could trust again. And I don’t think you can have a healthy relationship without a foundation of trust.
I would try to work through it if I was married (especially if we had children)- even though in the Bible, Paul says you *can* leave, he doesn’t say you must. But I agree, if you are cheated on and don’t think you can stay in your marriage, you have every Biblical right to leave.
Post # 13
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
I think it’s great if you can try and work through it, but I’m not one of those people. My fiance and I have only ever been with each other (sexually). We have something so special right now that I’ll never have with anyone else. So if he were to cheat on me…I would not be capable of staying with him. Even if we were married. Even if we had kids. I just couldn’t live with that kind of betrayal.
Post # 14
I feel like that once someone cheats, they’ll always cheat or at least have that temptation. This includes emotionally cheating too.
Post # 15
I feel like cheating can be a one time mistake. but if my SO – relationship is over, no questions asked. I wouldn’t be able to trust him again and I don’t want a relationship where I’m paranoid every day that he’s cheating again.
Post # 16
@rachelmichelle: I wouldnt even date a man who cheated on someone else. might be a hard line opinion but I would hate to regret my decision to forgive in hindsight.Then again i am risk averse