Weddingbee boards

@RxBrideToBe: He thought she was being suggestive and thats why he made a move on her? Uhhhhh.... why were they hanging out alone drinking wine? That right there is a shady move.

It sounds like he's got some pent up emotions toward you (not accepting his proposal the way he thought you should have). I'm kind of put off that he offered you money instead of begging for forgiveness.

He's got some explaining to do, and maybe your friend isn't such a good friend afterall.

@RxBrideToBe:Remember your vows, for better or worst. This is one of those bad moments but you can work through it. He was wrong but over a lifetime both of you will make some pretty silly mistakes. Fight for your marriage, leaving is not going to solve anything. You will still hurt. Time and honest communication will smooth things out and you will be happy again. Also, you have to ask how you contributed to this act of weakness. Why in the world is your "best friend" allowed to be alone with your husband? That's unacceptable!

I see some big issues here.

1) Your husband and your best friend were alone drinking wine and watching TV while you were out of town.  This seems inappropriate.

2) Your husband believes that a woman being "suggestive" is enough justification to make a move on her.  His reaction to a woman, any woman, being "suggestive" should be to leave, or make her leave.  Period.

3) When you brought this up to him, he didn't beg forgiveness or beg you to stay.  He offered to give you money so that you'd be okay without him.  It sounds to me like he'd already given up on working anything out.

4) He's been angry at you since he proposed because he doesn't like the way you reacted, but he's never talked to you about it?  Communication is the key to everything and he didn't communicate with you at all.  Instead he used this an excuse for why he made a move on your best friend.  That's a bad way to be in a marriage and it's completly unfair to both of you.

5) How long have you both been feeling like roommates instead of husband and wife?  Why does it take something horrible like this to make you talk about it?  Communicate communicate communicate!

I think you two need to get to a marriage counselor ASAP.  Lots of red flags here.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Your husband's behavior is not ok. How is it YOUR fault that HE messed up? No matter what his reasoning is, HE is responsible for his own actions. Not you. No matter what you've done, be it not responding to his proposal to his satisfaction, or murdering your mother-in-law with your gym socks, he chooses how he wants to react to it. End of story. Now, I believe that the motivation behind the action is key too. It's important to know how he feels, and why he came to the decision to make a move on your friend. He says he feels underwhelmed by your relationship at current, and it seems that it's taken bad behavior to make this issue known.

I agree with all the other posters that this is a severe red flag situation.

1) what the EFF is your friend doing at your home without you home, drinking alone with your husband? Bitch is not your friend. She's a home-wrecker. Plain and simple. If she cared about you or your friendship, why would she put herself in that situation? I don't care who you are, unless you're the wife, you do not hang out 1-on-1 with a married man. Especially if you're friends with the wife. Can we say Eva Longoria?! Let's learn from her pain.

2) Why does your husband wait to royally screw up to voice any of these problems? It's his own fault that he let things get to a boiling point before he came to you with his concerns. He needs to own up to that, and talk things out with you. If he felt like "roommates", why didn't he take you out on a date? Or make you dinner and light a few candles? Take a hot bath together? If you don't know the problem, you can't do anything to fix it. If he didn't feel comfortable talking about it, he sure as hell could have taken a few simple steps to start making it right.

3) Wow, how generous is he in offering you a lump sum of hush money? Ok, so maybe that's a little harsh. But where's the flowers and jewelry? Where's the begging on bended knee? I find it odd that he went straight to "I know there's nothing I can do to make this better, so I'm going to pay you off to leave". Does he want to make it work, or did he stage the stunt knowing you'd find out about it? Some guys can't handle talking about problems, so they do things to push women away. I think you were smart to put the ball in his court and let him make the next move. If he wants to make it work, he'll put in the effort. It shouldn't be your responsibility to repair his damage.

I'm with the others that relationship counseling would be a good plan. The intent versus deed line gets blurred quick, and I think the bottom line is, he didn't cheat. He danced on the edge, and showed you he's capable of it, but honestly, I feel all men are (women too). It just depends on how weak they are in the moment. He needs to realize that he set himself up for failure in this situation, and he needs to keep himself from this sort of temptation in the future. He also needs to spend time rebuilding your trust. And you need to do your best to be fair to him (which it sounds like you're doing a good job of that already). Give it some time before you make a decision. And get your REAL girlfriends to help you through the tough times. Kick that other slut to the curb.

What happens if he is out in a bar and some other girl is "suggestive" toward him, will he think it's ok to make a move on her too because you don't know her?  I would definintely take some time away from him and think everything through thoroughly before letting him off so easily. I'm SO sorry. I would be devastated if that happened to me. Good luck! :(

@sand dollar: ++++++++1!!!

I think he is one of those guys who has a very difficult time dealing with rejection. (I.e. you not accepting his proposal correctly). He put a lot of money and effort into it and feels rejected.

He'll do the next best thing and make you want to leave him so he doesn't have to do the dirty work and deal with your water works.

@LindaB: I don't think this is super weird either! I have some guy friends that I hang out alone sometimes... (although most of the time it would be a group of guys) FI trusts me so he doesn't really care. I told him right from the beginning that I have more guy friends than girl friends, and he was okay with that as long as the guy is not sleazy and he can trust him.

The issue here though, is that obviously someone in that pair isn't just feeling the friend vibe from the other. It's hard to pinpoint who, because both will deny. The friend will probably deny she was being suggestive...the husband will deny that he came on to her out of nowhere.

I have to agree with all the points mrsmdphd made--it concerns me that your husband's first reaction was to offer you money to leave him and complain about you.  Makes it seem like he might have made a move on your friend in hopes that you would hear about it, and he'd have an easy out.

I also agree with LindaB--it is not a crime to hang out with someone of the opposite sex, especially if they were friends before.  I think the fact that your friend let you know about this shows that she was probably not being "suggestive" with your husband--it seems like she was pretty horrified about his behavior.  She is being a good friend by telling you what happened; please don't let your husband make you think she's the "bad guy" in this situation.

@LindaB: I don't think it's so much that he can't hang out with another woman, but the environment in which it was being done. As a married man (or woman), sitting home alone in the evening, watching television and drinking alcohol is something usually done with a spouse/partner. This is an intimate activity. In no way do I think it's appropriate to do alone with someone of the opposite gender, especially if that person is more affiliated with your spouse. If you have a group of people? Sure! Sounds like a ball. But that one-on-one, traditionally romantic/intimate setting, is inviting trouble. They could have gone out to a sports bar to watch a game, or done anything else in a public place to hang out while the wife was gone. If he was hanging out alone with a good friend he's had for years, who also happens to be involved in a happy marriage, then perhaps that would be a bit safer. I just think that in this case, they were both inviting trouble to their door.

If she had posted just about that incident alone, with no pass being made, and asked, what do you guys think? Then we'd all probably advise her to have a serious discussion with her husband involving why she may have been uncomfortable with that situation. But since there seems to be some risk of hanky-panky, and he can't behave himself alone with other women, then hell yes this is a problem! One of my best friends needed a place to stay when driving from Dallas to Austin around 2am in the morning and found she was too tired to drive. I gave her my husband's (then boyfriend's) address and told her to crash there, and called him to let him know she was coming. Was I worried that my bff was "spending the night" with my boyfriend? No, because I knew neither would put a move on the other, and it was full disclosure what was going on. I think it's not good that it seems the OP was unaware the friend was going to her home to watch tv with her hubs, and then found out about an incident later. You can't really put a blanket statement on married folks hanging out with opposite genders, but you make a judgement on a case-by-case basis. And this one is, her friend was sending signals that she was interested in more than platonics, and her husband is weak when it comes to temptation. Thus, he should never hang out with another woman alone. Case closed.