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So I admit I was holding back on committing to inviting some people until the last minute (which is approaching now), but we aren't doing a B-list, these are all A-list people. These people are mainly friends we've lost touch with and coworkers, people that wouldn't really notice if they weren't invited and we weren't sure if there would be room for them in our venue after mandatory family and friends.
I sent an email message to my friend T (I don't have her phone number) we were roomates in college and have sort of lost touch over the years. But she did invite me to her wedding after us not speaking or seeing each other in a couple years (I know I was a B-lister, but didn't care) and we hung out at another friends wedding 1 year ago. I sent her a very nice note, telling her I'd love for her to come to the wedding and asking for her address. Read her response. It doesn't sound bad at first, but after I thought about it for a second I was kind of mad. Why would you say anything besides "Congratulations, have a wonderful wedding" to the bride inviting you!!
Read on:
"Hey T,
I hope you're doing well, sorry we haven't spoken in a while..
I would like to invite you and the Mr. to our wedding! It's on June 12th in Philly. I hope you can make it and I will need your address :)
xo,
Moderndaisy"
Her response:
"Oh no! I would love to come to the wedding, but we're going to be in Hawaii for vacation. I didn't know what the date was..
Did you invite anyone else from (our college)?"
Am I crazy for being upset over her response? I feel like she was trying to imply that she clearly didn't get a STD and thought she might be on the B-list. She wasn't, but even if seh was I thought that was kind of rude for her to 'uncover' it. Also, why the heck is it any of her business who else from our college I invited? Why would it matter, especially since she isn't even coming??
I don't think she meant anything negative by what she said. Maybe she was just curious who else might be there. She's probably bummed she is going to miss it. Isn't it just conversational asking who else might be there?
I don't know if it is that rude or not. It might be a little blunt but it doesn't sounds to me like she is trying to be mean. Sometimes emails come across and mean because we can't hear the person's tone of voice. I don't know why she asked who else was invited from your college though.
I think you are reading way too much into her message. Sounds to me like she just didn't know when you were getting married and already has a holiday to Hawaii planned. You said yourself that you really haven't kept in touch, so how would she know about the wedding? And she's probably asking about fellow college friends just because...or wants to know who she may miss out on seeing at your wedding. Her message is perfectly harmless to me.
There is nothing wrong with the email in my opinion; however, it does seem like it is unfinished. She just stated that she has already scheduled a vacation during that time, and has implied that had she known, she might not have scheduled the Hawaii vacation. And as for asking if anyone else from your college is invited; she is probably just curious and wanted to know if anyone she knows will be there.
I always have a hard time reading text and trying to decipher tone, or sarcasm, or whatever.
I feel like her response could be taken two ways: 1) "Oh bummer, that stinks that our vacation fell around the same time as your wedding. If I had known the date, I would have tried to schedule aroud it! & Who else is coming from college? It's a shame we won't all get together to have fun on your day" OR 2) "Well, it would have been nice to get an STD, because then I would have known to schedule around it, but that didn't happen. Who did you invite from college? Were they top choice invitees, unlike me?"
I'm assuming she meant to be taken more along the lines of 1. I wouldn't take it personally, she might not have meant to be snarky!
I don't think that she was trying to hint that she was upset! I think she was just saying she didn't know the date so they scheduled a vacation! :)
I agree with everyone so far that it sounds harmless, but I guess what made me mad is what she left out. That was her entire response, I didn't shorten it. No 'congratulations' or 'have a great day', no well wishes. Just wanted to know who else would be there, that's why I thought it was rude.
I don't know about everyone else, but I would NEVER ask a bride who else was invited to her wedding, or worse, who I was sitting with. I think that's kind of a rude question, it's kind of like putting the fact that they are getting married behind and talking about 'more important' things like who will be there.
I agree with noritake. Seems unfinished. However I can see what you mean also. I try not to read into things because otherwise I'll end up mad. Not worth it.
I'm with noritake. I suspect she wanted to know if other college friends were going to be there . . . if lots of them were, she'd probably want to be there more. I think she was just curious and probably would have considered a different time for her vacation had she known when your wedding is.
My college roommate (who got a STD last fall) just told me this week (after receiving my invitation and only after I commented on the photos her husband sent of her baby) that she won't be there.
I wouldn't take it personally.
I think she is just getting a conversation going to catch up with you on what is going on since she is not gonna be able to make it to the wedding. That's my take on it, seemed like perfectly natural flow of conversation between friends.
Has she never talked to you since you got engaged? Maybe she thought that since she congratulated you for getting engaged that it's sort of the same as congratulating you now for getting married.
I don't think she meant anything by it at all. Perhaps she just hit send too fast?
I have been known to do that myself.
i dont think she meant anything by it... unless that's like her to sneakily imply something?
@Missasb - Actually, we did speak (sort of) when I posted my WW on facebook - she messaged me and congratulated us. So it's not like she's a really bad person. I just feel like those two comments "I didn't know the date" and "Who else from (our college) are you inviting" were slight jabs at me 1) trying to imply she might be on the B list and 'uncovering' it and 2) wanting the 'gossip' about who is invited instead of wishing me a nice wedding.
@missjyc - it's funny that you say that b/c it is sort of her personality to take those little jabs at people. They aren't outright snarky and may or may not be interpreted as an outright jab, but I think that's how she means it.
I actually forgot how rude she can be over the years, but now I remember. I feel like she hasn't learned any manners as she's gotten older, that is a very strange response to the bride who just invited you to her wedding!
I'm not sure if that's what she was doing but thinking about it, I would have been hurt if they didn't say somthing like "I'm so sorry I can't be there. I bet it will be wonderful though!"
Oh gosh, I am trying to see it...but I don't really. Honestly, that is something that I would type if I was in a rush or something! Plus, your email was very brief and to the point, and she responded the same way. I say shrug it off!
She could have offered more congratulations, but I don't really think it was rude. It is hard to read inflection in emails.
I can't see anything wrong with her email, sorry :) I really think it was a normal email written in a hurry.
EDIT: Also, I didn't know there was a taboo against asking who else from a mutual group of acquaintances is invited...she was probably curious on what she was missing out on and/or just trying to seem interested.
There is nothing rude there at ALL. Please take a step back and don't throw her under the bus for this! You're reading way too much into it.
I think that her response was fine in response to the email you gave. She was just trying to be nice I think- getting the scoop in a friendly way.
Yeah, her response definitely didn't seem rude to me either. I think it's a stretch to assume she was referencing the STD...to me saying "Oh no, sorry, I didn't know it was on X date, I have other plans!" is pretty innocent. You'll have enough to stress about with wedding planning, don't worry about it!
I agree it's harmless and she didn't mean anything by it. I think she was just making conversation and her e-mail was to the point. At least she responded! :) I think she was trying to explain why she had a vacation planned over your wedding so you wouldn't be offended. You could always respond and say "ah man, I knew we should've sent save the dates. Too bad. I'm not sure who all is coming yet since we are just getting around to finalizing the guest list."
Sounds to me like she was explaining to you why she scheduled a Hawaiian vacation...like because she didn't know the date.
Also she's probably being VERY polite asking who else is invited to the wedding so that she doesn't talk about it to any of your mutual friends and accidentally find out that they were never invited! That would be very awkward for her, and it is best that she asks you about it directly.
I don't see the "jabs." I think maybe you should let her know if any mutual friends were invited, and leave it at that.
Hmm i dont see anything wrong about it, but her question about other college friends was a little odd.
Hmm, maybe it's a differnece in conversational/email styles, but that looks exectly like an email my friends and I would send to each other. Since you've considered some of her remarks snarky in the past, is it possible you're reading too much into this, simply expecting it to be rude? I took it as a friendly, breezy, informal, and short message in response to your friendly, informal, and short message. And I think it's perfectly normal to ask if other mutual friends are coming (or at least are invited)--I completely agree with MightySaphire that she might want to avoid mentioning the wedding to univited mutual friends.
i wouldn't worry about it at all! She isn't trying to be a B and if she is...who really cares! It's your wedding and you have enough to worry about. =)
I think you're reading too much into it. I didn't 'get' that from her reply at all.
I'm also agreeing, I think you are reading a lot into it. You may be sensitive about the topic, and that is why. Don't worry about it!
I'm just going to chime in and agree that I think you're reading too much into it.
Re: the date comment. I think she's just explaining that she didn't know your wedding date when she planned her vacation and she's sorry she can't go.
Re: other college friends. I think she's probably just interested to know who's going. My ex-best friend from college is getting married after me, and I was with our mutual friends this weekend. I definitely asked them who got invited -- just because I was curious!
I wouldn't be upset at that at all. That is the kind of response that I would write, not because I was upset but because I'd want you to know that I am truly sorry I couldn't attend. Like... if I had known the date I'd have done my vacation a different week so I'm sorry about the coincidence type thing. Not placing blame, but rather making sure you know you are important to her. And re: who else is coming... I think its just curiousity. Try not to let the wedding stress-monster eat you :)
I agree with @hotchildinthecity. If I can't make it to a wedding, I usually tell the person why...I guess I feel kind of rude just saying "I can't come" and leaving it at that. I want them to know that its not like their wedding isn't important to me, and I would have gone if it weren't for these other factors. I also usually ask about who of our mutual friends is invited, both because I'm curious and also to make sure I don't create awkwardness by talking to someone about it who wasn't invited. You're right, its not necessarily their "business" persay, but I don't really think its rude to ask.
I don't think that she was being rude. I agree with the others, I think that you are reading too much into it. =)
That email sounds exactly like something I would have written. I always feel the need to explain myself, so I would have included the vacation info she did...and as for the college friend part, I would have put that in there just for conversations sake. So, yeah, I don't think she meant anything mean by it.
As is, I agree with the others. Is there soemthing else going on you haven't mentioned? Obviously you know her. We don't. So we not be catching what you see. Did you send STD to other college friends, but not her? (Maybe she found out.) Did you discuss the possibility of a B list to anyone who might have slipped and let her know?
Bottom line, let it slide. Give her the benefit of the doubt. It's a stretch to pull something rude out of this message. So you could be heading down a road of ruining a friendship over something that could be a complete misunderstanding.
If she is angry and tried to take a dig, well why is it that big to you? You questioned inviting her in the first place, and admit to letting the friendship slip. It sounds like it won't effect your life too much if she iddn't go, or you didn't really speak to her again.
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