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Ok, confession time. Sometimes I lurk on Baby Center just to watch the drama unfold (in small doses). Some of the women who had babies in May are already pregnant again.
Man, I could not imagine that right now! But some people really want that.
We don't plan to have another bio child, but do plan to adopt our second and have already begun to think about what would be optimal spacing for us. For us, it's complicated by the fact that adopting from overseas takes time!
I can't imagine adding a new child to our lives after the age of 42 (for me). I also can't imagine having another child added to the household until this one is 3 (out of diapers). However, due to the complications of international adoption, that could lead to us having two children of exactly the same age.
So what is your optimal spacing? Do you have brothers and sisters that you think are ideally spaced? Were you too close or too far in age from your sibs?
What is wrong with having two kids the same age? Might be kind of like twins? :) I am 8 years younger than my brother. NOT IDEAL. haha. I mean I guess it was kind of cool that I had my parents to myself for half of my youth (he moved out when I was 9/10) and that I had an older brother who could help me out with things... but honestly we never interacted at all. My mom always said she had two only children. And now as adults, we are not close.
2.5 years young that my brother (my only sibling). Perfect timing for us! We didn't fight, we had things in common, and I wasn't so young that he hated me being around and bugging him. We're so close!
My sister and I are a couple years apart. It was ideal when we were younger (before we hit the teens) because we were of the right age to be into all the same stuff and still play nicely and happily with each other. When we both hit puberty though that all went out the window and we fought a lot - as siblings do. We're close now but not super close. I wouldn't want the age gap to be any different to what it is now but I'm sure for a while there my parents were wondering why they had kids so close together!
Okay, I have a wealth of siblings to choose from, so here we go (all half or adopted siblings), but they're all the same to me.
I have a five sisters who are 14, 13 (twins), 12, and 10 years older than I am. The 14-year gap is way too much for me, it always felt like she was trying to be a second mother, and as a sibling, that's annoying as hell.
The 13 year and the 12 year gaps lived with their father, (not mine) so I didn't get to spend as much time with them as I would have liked.
The 10 year gap is amazing, she's far enough away that I can draw on her experiece, but not so far that we can't interact well.
My brother is two years younger than I am. Growing up, we fought bitterly. Embarassingly so. But, once we grew up and moved away from each other, the relationship got so much better, and really, he's a pretty awesome guy.
I like the two, three year gap the best, but as the gap gets bigger, I'm afraid that siblings feel like like friends, and more like additional parents. (Of course, my age gaps are so big, this might not hold true for a sibling, 5, 6 years older, this is just what I have to work with!)
@CorgiTales: Aww.. that's kind of sad. One of my sisters and I are 11 years apart. I moved out of the house to go to boarding school when she was 2 :(. It took us a long time to get close to each other, but we are now. I think it helped her that she had 2 other sibs closer to her in age.
As for 2 kids the same age, my sister has that issue and her adopted and bio kids are in the same class. It leads to some competition and comparison. For a kid that is definitely going to have a slower start (nutritionally, language, etc), I would hate to put that added stress on them. (So goes my thinking...)
I do not have kids yet - though I want at least 2 (FI wants 4!!!) in the future. I am only 23, so I have plenty of time to have babies.
I think the optimal spacing is 2 years or so. I say "or so" because it is kind of difficult to nail that number down exactly. I personally would not want to have more than 3 years between two consecutive kids. I also would not want to have kids that are 1.5 years or closer together (oh the chaos!).
My sister and I are 22 months apart, and although we battled a bit when we reached our early teens, we were always quite close. We are VERY close now and I love having her as a best friend. I also have friends with siblings who are 3 years apart and although they may not have been quite as close growing up as my sister and I, they are also close now. So from my experience, 2 (to 3) years is a good time frame to aim for.
I have 6 siblings that range from mid 40's to the late 20's. The largest space between my siblings is 5 years. Me and two of my sisters are actually "stepping stones" meaning 1 year apart. I HATED it when I was younger b/c that meant hand me downs was the biggest part of my wardrobe...plus the parental attention just wasn't there. It helped make me the self-sufficient person I am today, but growing up sucked big time.
Having said that...I think smaller spacing works when you are talking about a smaller number of kids..like 2 or 3. Especially if one parent plans to stay at home. By spacing them closer together, you can get ALL of the potty training, etc out of the way at about the same time and be done with it.
For me and FI...it will be QUITE interesting. He has two sons...ages 24 and 20, and I have a daughter, age 13..so we will essentially be starting from scratch with any kids we have together. Because we will be older parents (I will be 35 in October, He will be 43 in December) we want 2 kids, which we plan to have a year apart. I plan to be a stay at home mom until the youngest is about 3 (If we are blessed with more children that is).
Four year spacing is killer. I didn't get along with my older sister or younger sister (fours years apart from me in either direction) for years and years, because that age gap was just enough to make us hit puberty/maturity levels at different times. (I also fought a lot with one of my cousins who was four years younger.) However, my other sister was only sixteen months younger, and we were two peas in a pod. My little brother is ten years younger and we've always gotten along great.
I'd like to have kids relatively close in age, maybe about two years apart, so they'll have someone to relate to. :)
I have 2 younger sisters, I am the oldest, and each of us are 2 years apart from each other. So I am 27, the middle sister is 25, and the youngest is now 23. The 2 year spacing is awesome, we were close enough to have similar interests through our childhood/teens, and as adults are still close to the same place in our lives (I am in my career, and my younger sister is finishing school, and my youngest sister is mid-education). We have been able to share clothes and toys, we always fairly similar maturity wise, and the fighting years were over fairly quickly. We share some friends, because we are all so close in age as well.
I think part of the spacing depends on how many kids you plan to have. If you plan on only ever having two (one bio, one adopted) then closer seems better to me. I would almost say it would be better to adopt an older child, because they will build self-esteem from being looked up to by the younger sibling. And as the younger one learns, the older one can too. I think that trying to adopt a child one year older would be best.
For us, we want to have another child asap. It's not optimal, but I'm on borrowed time, as I can only get pregnant in the next year due to my military schedule. If that wasn't an issue we would prefer to have kids two years apart (as my brothers are two and four years older). That seemed like the best spacing, but it's also all I know. DH has four siblings, spaced over 12 years. They are all really close to each other. I think that having many kids spaced close makes it easier for the youngest and oldest to bond than having just two kids 12 years apart. As it is, we'll end up having two kids in two and half years, and then we're planning two more four years later.
my brothers and I are 4.5 years apart. my youngest is 9 years younger than me. I'd say we're only midely close. I think it's a little too much. 4 or less would be ideal for me.
I'm the oldest and my sister is almost 2.5 years younger than me and my brother is almost 2.5 years younger than her. I think the 2.5 year spacing worked really well for us growing up. My sister and I are super close and really always have been. My brother and I (5 year spacing between us being youngest and oldest) went through phases where we bickered quite a bit but we're now really close as well. Looking back - a lot of the bickering wasn't so much the age difference but more that we are two really similar people but didn't want to admit it at the time!
So basically - I think 2.5 years is a pretty ideal age gap.
My brother and I (both adopted) are 5 years apart. We went from being close to hating each other to being close again through our childhoods. We're ridiculously close as adults. Hubby and SIL are only 13 months apart. Conceiving with a 4-month-old seems nuts to me but I know it works for some people. They have always been very close. A friend of mine has a similar set up and she just treated them like twins re: timing of potty training, etc. I'd like 2 years apart but we may try to move that up a bit since I'll be about 33 when this first one is born.
You have so many variables when it comes to adopting. I wonder if any countries/agencies have any guidelines re: ages of other children in the home?
sometimes spacing is good in terms of health reasons, there is alot the woman's body goes through during pregnancy and it is good to allow thing to heal and get in balance before having another. I think the time it takes to do this is based on each individual's case.
My sister is 18 months older than I am and my brother is 18 months younger than i am. We fought horribly when we were gorwing up. It was always 2 against 1. We were very competitive with each other, but I think that was made worse by my parents' divorce.
I think we are going to aim for 2.5 to 3.5 years apart.
I have a brother that is 2.5 years younger than me and one that is 17 years younger than me! My mom didn't want empty nest syndrome and had a baby my senior year (original parents, no remarriage). My brother who is close in age to me and I fought like CRAZY when we were coming up but now we are so close! My baby brother and I are just getting to know each other but are also very close. I have moved to the state that he and my parents live in and we are learning a lot about each other. I think as long as the kids are treated somewhat equally it will all work out! I say somewhat because I believe with different children come differnt circumstances regardless of age! Good luck and congrats on the child you have!
I think I would like mine two or three years apart. Maybe three, since I like the idea of not having the second child until the first is out of diapers.
But honestly, I don't think there is an ideal age gap. I think, unless your children are 7+ years apart in age or unless they're very lucky, there will be some point in their lives when they will not get along. One will always be older than the other. The older child will probably find the younger child annoying for a few years, and the younger will be jealous of the older's privileges (staying up later, having cooler clothes, driving). The older child can also be the "annoying" one and tease the younger all the time.
I have two older brothers and am closer to the oldest one (7 years older than I am), simply because we have similar personalities. He moved out when I was 11 and across the country when I was 18, but we're still close. My other brother (4 years older) made my life miserable with teasing when we were kids, but we get along just fine now.
The youngest child we'd be likely to get would be 6 months old. I'd be ok with a kid in the 6 mo to 3 year range. Much older than that might be challenging for us. If that's the case, they are likely to be anywhere from the 2.5 yr difference to almost the same age!
As for adopting a child older than ours, I don't think that's going to be an option for us. I know bio kids *can* feel hurt by that, especially if the adopted child was of the opposite sex.
I was a "surprise", my Mom thought she was in menopause when she had me! I have a sister who is 22 years older than me, one 17 years older, a brother 15 years older - but I was pretty much raised as an only child. Figure that one out!
I only had one child, but I have multiple neieces with kids that are barely a year apart. My nieces are so busy when the children are babies and toddlers, it doesn't seem like they are enjoying parenthood at all. Rather than the children being ideal playmates for each other, they seem to fight all the time. SO I really don't know what the ideal spacing is but it would seem to me that not having to deal with multiple kids in diapers at the same time would be a definite plus.
I agree that the 4.5 year gap is odd. My brother and I were always at very different stages in life. However he was never young enough for me to mentor/baby. My sister is about 9 years younger and she was young enough to baby/help raise her. Its not an ideal age difference but its not terrible.
I think ideally, somewhere between 1.5 and 3.5 year age difference would be best.
We're hoping on 2/3 yr difference. My brother and I are 4.5 yrs apart and its almost like we grew up in seperate worlds. There was so much time in between that my mom changed rules and it made one or both of us feel like things weren't fair quite often. Hubs and his sister are 10 years apart. Waaaay too much. She's more of a mom to him than a sibling even in their adult lives.
My sister is 9 1/2 years older than me! When we were younger we weren't close at ALL (for obvious reasons), but she's my best friend now. I do wish we were closer in age, though! Mr. Cardy's brother is 7 years older than him, so we both have much older siblings and we both agree that we want our kids to be much closer in age! We're thinking 3-4 years apart, max!
I recall reading an article at some point comparing parenting techniques of the last thirty years versus those of the previous generation, and one of the things the author pondered was that 5-year gaps between children seemed much more common when our parents were growing up versus in, say, the 1980s when 3-year gaps rose in popularity. He made the argument that parenting took a turn for the obsessive when parents started worrying less about how it would impact THEM to have to raise an infant and a toddler simultaneously, and more about how it would affect the kids. My opinion is that there are millions of factors that can impact how much your kids enjoy their childhood and how close they feel to each other, and that even with the best-laid plans you won't be able to control the quality of their relationship. Especially given all the variables presented by the international adoption process, I would encourage you to adopt whatever child you feel is right for you at whatever time you are able and willing to do so. The kids will work it out!
For my part, my only sister is three years older than I am, which is supposedly the ideal spacing. We had some fantastic times playing together as young kids (and I nearly lost it crying when she recalled a few of them in her MOH toast at my wedding), but she also loathed me with the fire of a thousand suns for about a decade spanning her teenage and some college years. As I said, there's only so much you can plan for as a parent.
My sister and I are 13 months apart and frankly, I hate/d it. I love my sister and we're close but we're so different personality wise that we fought like crazy growing up. I think 2-3 years is ideal. My fiance is the youngest and his oldest sister is 9 years older and his middle sister is 5 years older. That's too much space in my opinion.
I am the youngest of 5 - our ages: me 30, boy 33, boy 37, girl 39, girl 41. What has happened in our family is that we aren't all close. Me, 33, and 39 are super close and 37 and 41 are super close. But when we're all together we're tight knit group.
When we have kids I would like them to be 2 - 3 yrs apart, no less. We will also be having one bio and then we'd like to adopt one or two depending on time and our ages 
I have two older (half, but always lived with me) sisters who are 6 and seven years older than me. They moved out of the house when I was 12 so I was pretty much raised as an only child :/ Now that we are older we get along better, but I can't say we have a great sisterly bond. My sisters are only 14 months apart and NEVER got along once they hit puberty. Now that they are in their late 20s they are much closer.
I think the 2-3 year age gap is ideal. BF has 2 younger siblings and they are all 2 years apart which I think is really nice.
If I didn't have to work and could be a stay at home mom, I would totally TTC in 6 months or so. Pregnancy kinda sucked, but I've really enjoyed Addie, and I wouldn't mind having a little baby and a toddler. Unfortunately, we're trying to plan around grad school for both my husband and me, so we won't start trying for another for 2 years. Ideally, I think kids should be 1.5-3 years apart. Closer than 1.5 years and the kids can be really competitive; further than 3 years apart and the kids might not have anything in common.
FWIW, I really think spacing has less to do with successful sibling relationships than personality match does, which is something you can't really plan for. At different time in my life, I have been closer/fought more with my sisters who are 2-6 years apart from me. My husband is 8 and 10 years apart from his sisters, and once again personality compatibility made a bigger impact on their relationship than the spacing.
I have one brother who's two years older than me. I wouldn't say we hated each other or really even fought, but we definitely didn't get along either. However, it had more to do with personality than with our age gap. I'm more into english and theatre, and he was more into math and science. We have radically different interests. However, now that we're older and in similar lifestyles (both married) we get along amazingly. I ask him advice on job offers and really appreciate his experience more.
When my husband and I have more kids, we want to wait another five or six years. If I decide to be a stay at home mother (I'm still debating), I don't want to be dividing my time between the two of them. I would rather give my full concentration to the youngest while the oldest is in school, so I can give the oldest more attention when she gets home, granted that my husband is home around the same time. I feel that my time would be more evenly split that way. I understand that the oldest would be getting out of elementary, middle, and high school around the time that the youngest would be getting into it. However, it might prevent them from being compared or known as "so-and-so's sister or brother". I hated that growing up.
I am my parents biological child and my little brother is 6.5 (almost 7) years younger and is adopted(internationaly). I love him to death but I want my children to be closer together.
I grew up as the second oldest of six children. There is about a two yr gap (give or take a few months) between all of us, except for myself and my brother, where there are four years. Growing up, we were a busy family and there was A LOT of fighting and bickering, but my parents kept us all in check and made sure that we all had our own special things to do. We ate dinner as a family every night, barring any activities or events, and we were taught that family is a high priority and to love and support your siblings. Now that we're all grown-ups, ranging in age from 35 to 23, we're pretty close. We do have fights and ups and downs. Sometimes we get cliquey, and sometimes we have all out wars with each other, but I guarantee that if I were in dire straits, I could call any one of them to lend a hand. My parents both come from large families too, where there is constant in-fighting and fueds, where siblings won't speak to each other for years, and they really try to avoid that with us. I think they've done alright.
As children, growing up, we were closest to whoever was closest in age to us. And then when we were about eight or nine, we started to do things more independently with our own friends and activities and whatnot. That was just accepted. So and so is going to music or so and so has baseball or so and so is sleeping at a friends.
My daughters are 9 and 6, so there will be a considerable gap between the older two and our baby, due in November. For us, that works. I like the idea that I've been able to devote so much one on one time to my younger daughter. My older daughter is special needs and that has always kind of been what our life is ruled by, so having another baby any sooner, I think, would have given each of my girls less attention than they needed. Now that they're both in school full-time, and I'm in the position to stay at home, this is the right time for us for us to add a baby to our crazy little family.
That being said, I have two friends, one with a 13 month old, and one with a two year old. They are both having babies in December. In an ideal world, this is what I would have liked. A couple kids a yaer and a half to to years apart. They both asked for my advice when they were thinking of having second babies. My thought was if you're going to just have the two, why not do it close together? Sure you'll be crazy busy for five years until they're both in school full time, but when they hit school age, you'll have time to focus on their interests and personalities, and really becoming successful individuals. I think it also makes doing things as a family, vacations and supporting extracurriculars a HECK of a lot easier. I think this is especially true for families where both parents work. Another added bonus of kids close in age is that there really is truly more time for parents to do things for themselves once the kids get a bit older. There just is, and it's important. Okay, my book is over now.
I have a brother 2.5 years younger and we always got along great as kids {when we weren't fighting that is *lol*} and still do now. I would love kids closer in age than further... on both my parents side there is an aunt who is considerably younger than the other sibs and their both a bit spoiled!
Fortunately I don't think that will be a problem for me as I'm already 30 and just having my first! So we're hoping to start TTC #2 around a year after this LO is born... because who knows how long it will take!
My brother and I are 14mos apart. I'm the oldest. He was an oopsie lol The 3rd child is 5 years younger than me and the youngest is 8years. I'm close with my brother closest in age to me, though we still butt heads and fought a ton during the teenage years. I was also really close to the youngest through his toddler years. As he got older it became harder to relate to him, and it's especially hard now since he's 14 (nobody can relate to a 14 year old boy lol jk). He and my other brother get along well. Kind of. They fight a lot sometimes, but they're both close and really miss each other since my brother is away for college. I'm starting to get close to my sister now. I'm sure there was some rivalry going on since she was the only other girl (even among my cousins at the time) so I suddenly had to share a lot of things with her (including my room!). We're a good group of siblings though. We all have each others' backs and there isn't really any drama or rivalries or anything. I wouldn't change it. DH and his sister are 2 years apart and they are super close too.
@LittlestBirds makes an interesting point about best for the kids vs best for the parents because that's what I'm debating with. Personally, I'd rather have my children 4-5 years apart. I know the two children may not have the playmate they might look forward to, but I think there are other benefits that out weigh that. It will give me an opportunity to spend the most time with each child when they are young. I'm a firm believer in the first 5 years being so critical for development that I wouldn't want to short change my kids by trying to balance it between a baby and a toddler. If I wait 4-5 years, then the oldest will be starting school so I'll have that time at home with the baby.
I think it would also be easier on our finances. If the older one is starting school, we wouldn't have to pay as much in daycare services (it adds up the same, but at least this way it is spread out), college tuition won't be due at the same time, ect.
And, as a selfish reason, I don't want the baby years over all at once because I love that part :p
I want to be just about finished having kids by my early 30s though, so we'll see how it all plays out. There is the ideal plan and then there's reality, so I have no idea what will be in store for us.
I'm the oldest of 4 kids. There are 5 years between me and the next one in line and then 12 years between me and the youngest...and I LOVE the spacing. I grew up actually getting along with my siblings because I was so much older. The two siblings that fight the most are the ones that are closest in age. I'm sure DH and I will plan on having kids that are a little more closely spaced than my family...maybe 2 to 3 years between the kiddos.
My brother is 10 years older than me, my oldest sister is 7 years older than me and my closest sister is 2.5 years older. As a result my brother and I aren't close at all and my oldest sister and I just started to get close. My closest sister and I were only too close because my parents did a terrible job of making us be nice to each other, instead they taught us to be rivals and jealous of each other our entire lives. We are still working through a lot of painful moments in our past, but at least can look back and realize it was our parents fault for not teaching us to be good sisters to each other.
My brother and I are just under 3 years apart – he is younger. We were very close as little kids, then fought each other to a truly embarrassingly degree from about ages 9-13, and now we’re not super close, but are pretty close - but that’s more personality and not age difference.
My co-worker has an 18 month old and a 2 month old, and his hair has gone gray overnight! lol ;-)
I would like several years between them – so that the older sibling is a bit more self-sufficient (moreso than say, a toddler under 2 is) when I’m dealing with a new baby. Ideally, maybe 3-4 years apart(?)
(note: I don’t mean self-sufficient in a way like they would have to take care of themselves – just that they can entertain themselves and play/read a bit alone for periods of time, are at least mostly potty trained, etc.)
I'm the oldest of three girls. One is 18 months younger and the other 5 years younger than me. I'm closer to my youngest sister for sure - there was definitely more competition between the middle and I. But like Mrs. Spring said, that may have more to do with personalities than spacing. The youngest and middle get along great, always have that I can think of, and they're 3.5 years apart. I think we'll probably aim for 2-3 years but we also won't be having more than 3, most likely just two.
Funny aside, J's cousin just announced her second pregnancy at her daughter's 2nd birthday. When I told him the news he said, "WHAT?! Already?!" I laughed and told him 2-3 years is a pretty common age gap and did he really expect them to just have one? (I would have been very surprised if little K had been an only on purpose. They didn't seem the type.) Since the first one wasn't entirely planned, apparently he did. :-)
I think a lot of it has to do with personality. I have three younger sisters and we all get along with each other at different times but a lot of who we're closest too as adults is who's similar in personality. Most of us are spaced 3 y but the last two are spaced only by not quite a 1 1/2 so they were only a year apart in school. They fought a lot but also hung out a lot soooo..... I donno, there was both good and bad. I get along with all my sisters but fought most with the one closest in age to me, but I figure that would have happened no matter the spacing since that seems to be the trend with all my sisters, you fight with the one closest in age and find them really annoying in late middle school/early high school but we all get along as adults. For my husband he has a older brother very close in age and while they get along now there was a lot of competition between them and fighting but they have very different personalities. He also has a whoops younger brother who is about 10 years younger and while he always liked having him around it's only been in probably the past year that he's really seen him as a friend instead of kid who he has to look out for.
I think it really depends on the family. My two older siblings are 9 and 8 years older than me and we are very close. My brother is the oldest and he left to the Marine Corp when I was 9, still we have a close relationship. I really loved having a sister that was 8 years older because she would shop with me and helped me with prom/make-up etc when the time came and she had the means to take me on sister trips and throw surprise parties.
My sister is 4.5 years younger and I'm in the same boat as a lot of pp- it was too big of a gap for most of our lives. Only now at 27/22 we are starting to get closer but there's still a long way to go. From general observation of my friends it seems like around 2/3 years difference is the way to go (not too much comparison/competition but still close enough for like interests).
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