Childless by circumstance (mothers with no children)

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

I’m so sorry you are going through this! I can somewhat understand what you are going through but not 100%. I’ve had three miscarriages and understand what it feels like to loose your baby. 

I wonder if you will be able to go through life with your bf knowing you will never experience something you know you want so badly, (if he decides he doesn’t want any more kids) and not resent him once you reach an age where children are no longer an option for you? 

I don’t know how long you guys have been together but I think you need to sit down together and discuss this and put everything on the table. Tell him what you wrote in your OP avout how you feel about the prospect of never having a baby. And in the end, if you really want a baby and he doesn’t, maybe it’s best for you both to go your own way. It wouldn’t be fair for either of you to give in to what the other wants unless it’s really what you both want. Good luck. 

Post # 3
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

LurkyMcLurkyface: I’ve watched couples who’ve struggled with fertility and they normally try adoption. As much as they are thrilled to have children, it is a difficulty to know that they will never have their own even though they love their adopted children more than words can express.

However, I’m going to just throw this out here for you… since you are not married, and you are openly choosing a man who is sending you signals that he does not want children, are you not compromising and now childless by choice? You are choosing this option; no one is forcing you to so I don’t think your plight is really the same as those who are struggling so much to have children and to make that comparison is pretty ballsy. There are women who really do not have a choice; they cannot have children of their own no matter that their partner is willing. That is not a choice, but your situation is. I will be honest, if my husband had said he didn’t want children it would have been a deal-breaker for me and we would have ended the relationship. If you are willing to compromise on that to be with your boyfriend, then to me, you are chosing to be childless.

Post # 4
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I agree. If you want kids and he doesn’t, that’s a reason to get out of the relationship and find someone who wants to have kids with you. I understand the frustration, but you are choosing a life right now that potentially doesn’t involve having kids, and you are doing that knowingly.

Post # 7
Member
6513 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m sorry but I don’t consider you to be bl childless by circumstance. If you are with someone who says they don’t want kids and you want them bet l very badly I don’t understand staying with them. Perhaps this sounds harsh but you have a choice- leave him and find someone who wants children. Those are infertile truly have no choice when it comes to biological kids.

If it is affecting you so much that you need to seek help to come to terms with the fact that you will not have a child with this guy you need to reevaluate your relationship.

Post # 8
Member
6753 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

My best friend has been with her boyfriend for 8 years and just turned 37 this year.  At Christmas this year she was telling me that it had really hit her hard lately- that having children did not seem to be in the cards for her, since her boyfriend really isn’t on that page.  Sure, she could leave and find someone else- but I don’t think that is going ot happen at this point.  Luckily, she does not have a super strong desire to have kids, but the realization of that that path she had chosen led her to this was startling to her.  Its like you wake up one day and say “how did I get here?”.

Post # 9
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

LurkyMcLurkyface:  I didn’t say it was ballsy to share your feelings. I said it was ballsy to compare your grief with those women who have experienced real loss of miscarriage and the pain of not being able to concieve. And I stand by what I said, you are making an active choice to stay childless if you decide to stay with a man who does not want children. And you know what that’s fine you may make that choice but to me you are still in control of the situation. Women who miscarry do not have a choice. They miscarry no matter what they do to stop it. It’s not like I can look at my body and say, “This is a dealbreaker if you can’t carry a baby uterus.” Can they adopt? Yes and they sometimes do. Can women who “miss that window” and meet a man later adopt? Sure and sometimes they do. But they still are in some sort of control. But to miscarry, to know that you had a child and then your body betrayed you runs MUCH deeper than you actively chosing at your age to give up your ability to have children for the sake of someone you love. Obviously its not a dealbreaker for you and thats fine. But I still don’t think that your pain is the same as theirs.

 

Post # 10
Member
6513 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Oh wow- just read through my post and it looks like my phone was auto correcting like crazy. Unfortunately there is no edit button even though I only posted 15 minutes ago…

Post # 11
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I see PP’s points about you choosing to be with someone who doesn’t want kids and therefore you’ve in a way chosen not to have them by staying…however, where is that line drawn? If your SO does want children but is infertile, are you choosing not to have children by staying with them regardless? If you haven’t met the right person to settle down with, are you choosing to be childless by not seeking ou artificial insemination? There is more to this than biological ability, IMO. This is why OP describes it as childless by circumstance – not biology.  

Post # 12
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Sure, all of those are circumstances. But infertility is completely different than choosing to be with a partner who has said (BEFORE MARRIAGE) that they don’t want children. I think if you get married to someone under the impression that they are open to kids, and then change their minds, then yes, those are crappy circumstances and it’s very unfair to the partner who wanted kids. But choosing to stay with someone who has said before they marry you that they might not want kids is not the same as a death or miscarriage, sorry. And it’s very unfair to compare the two. 

If you want to be a mother, there are numerous ways to go about doing that that don’t involve having a partner. If you want kids with a partner, than you need to date someone who also wants kids. Choosing to date someone who doesn’t want kids is a choice, not a circumstance. No one is forcing you to stay with this person. 

Post # 13
Member
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I agree with you that it does fall into the circumstance catagory to not find a person that you are willing to have children with in child bearing years. I have a friend who is in her upper 30s may be in this boat. She didn’t meet her now husband until she was 32. Circumstance could leave them with out children just due to the fact that it took that long to meet and get married.

But there is a choice making aspect for you, OP. Just because your BF is forcing your hand in the choice by stating he doesn’t want anymore children, you have made the choice that he is more important to you than future children. There is absolutly nothing wrong with that. I have a dear friend that decided that she doens’t want children (she is almost terrified of them) but her FI loves kids, and would totally want them in a heart beat should she change her mind. It is his choice to be with her, it’s her choice not to have children. No circumstance has forced their hand in this decision. Being a couple is never a circumstance, it’s a choice.

Leaving your BF may leave you without someone to have children with, and yes, you would fall back into the circumstance catagory at that time. But stopping looking because you found someone you love more than the idea that you could be a mom one day is up to you, and again, acceptable.

And lastly, there is nothing wrong with not being a mother, weather because you biologically can’t, you don’t meet the right person in time, or if you decide it’s not the path for you.

Post # 14
Member
564 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

LurkyMcLurkyface:  

You’re mourning the idea of having your own children with your boyfriend. I get that. You see that your options are either 1. Stay and hope he comes around OR 2. Leave and try to find someone who also wants children. You said you were still of child-bearing age- so it would be possible for you to do so.

I know other women who always assumed they would have children but for various reasons it did not happen for them. One married at age 39 wanted to wait a couple years before starting a family and then found that it was no longer possible for them. She did consider adoption- but eventually decided against.

Another woman I know who always wanted children married a much older man who already had teenagers from his first marriage. She didn’t realize really until she was in her forties- that she would never have children of her own- even though it had been something that she had always wanted.

Both of these women have special nieces and nephews and ways to have children in their lives (because they honestly really like children!)

However, I’m not sure that “my life just didn’t work out that way” is the same as struggling with infertility.

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