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I'm struggling with the same thing! I'm super interested to hear the responses.
I think you should have all children come if their parents want to bring them. Seeing as how you have several coming, if you say no on the invite, you will offend a lot, and it's not worth it. Also, with inviting your cousins you rarely see because youre inviting the rest, i would do that too. No literally, I am doing that for my mother! A wedding friend once told me that it's only one day, and causes troubles and making family enemies by not inviting to a wedding is not worth it. Because of one day (and yes, its your big day) you may cut ppl out for the remainder days of your life or your parents lives. You just need to really think it over.
And for the kids who come to weddings, just pray that their parents actually watch them and make sure they dont brake things, ruin things, scream and cause tantrums. Thats all you can do.. or perhaps set up a kid area somewhere in the venue with a babysitter and some activities?
@NorthernLights: Yeah, I can totally see that. But I'm really worried that having their kids there will cause my friends to have to leave early. I'm actually not worried about the expense or the chaos of it. It's only during the ceremony that I really care what the kids do, and I think their parents will control them. And expense-wise, my very generous mom is helping with the cost of the reception, so that should be okay. At this point, it's mainly my fear that a huge chunk of my guests and favorite people will have to leave early because they will need to tend to their kids that is making me hesitate.
@Bubu82: Well, if you said no kids, theyd prolly still leave early to pick them up from a sitter. I know of a service where these ladies are booked for weddings. They take a small room or section of the hall or even at their house, and set up activities for kids and offer them wholesome meals. You can look into that perhaps? On the invite if you say no kids, you can also offer the parents directions to a place where you have set up a childrens service. They will watch them until all kids are picked up by your guests after the wedding. I hope that helps!
We're probably going to only invite children from immediate family members, so it's almost none. I'm a nanny, and the two kids I watch are going to be the ring bearer and flower girl, but two of our friends have four kids each, and they've already said they don't mind leaving them at home so we aren't inviting the kids (also because 99% of our guests are travelling, and it'd just be cheaper on them to leave them at home with the mother in laws, etc)
@NorthernLights: Good point about them maybe having to leave early anyway to relieve a babysitter.
@rampagingcoconut: I've been considering asking my friends with kids what they would prefer - whether they'd be more comfortable having the kids there, or if they'd prefer to treat it more like a night out and leave the kids with a sitter. I don't want anyone to feel as if they must bring their kids if the kids are invited, because most of them are really little, and I don't imagine that the reception will be tons of fun for the kids. Maybe I should just ask?
We invited only some children, and I believe it is fine to do that. Sometimes the realities of guest count limitations mean that you cannot invite everyone who you would truly like to invite.
We invited children of our own close friends and cousins. Children of our parents' friends and cousins that we didn't know well were not invited due to space constraints.
This resulted in having just a couple of children, and in those cases the parents did not leave early, but that probably various by family...
1. yes, unless you're only inviting the flower girl/ring bearer.
2. i think it's okay to limit it to family only, as long as you don't make any exceptions.
3. probably, but they would probably leave early anyway to get home for the babysitter (unless they can have the kids sleep over at the grandparents' house or something)
4. we invited all children, just because we don't know that many people with children, and those that have kids will have to travel.
You certainly don't need to invite ALL children of your guests. That would be a little overwhelming. It would be nice to invite all children of close family members.
But honestly - I don't think you need to. I say, invite those children you have a special relationship with. And don't invite other children. Don't say "Adults Only" or anything like that, just leave them off the invite. If people come to you and ask take it on a case by case basis. If no one says anything to you then they probably don't have an issue with it. If, they come to you and say "Hey, Little Sally's name wasn't on the invite - would you mind if she came?" Then make your decision.
Some parents are really strict about bed time and others let their kids stay up when there is a special occasion. I don't think you can figure out what your friends will do unless you talk to them. Especially the Maid of Honor/ Best Man. You can ask them what they plan to do- maybe they'll have grandma sit and it won't be an issue.
Question 1:
If you are meaning within your family then I would agree it is a yes. Because then it's no different than inviting some first cousins and not others. I firmly believe with family you have to draw the line somewhere and keep it that way. If you're inviting only up to first cousins then ALL first cousins get an invite. If you're inviting up to first cousins and their kids then ALL kids of first cousins should be invited. If you are just inviting kids that are in the bridal party then that's it. The child of an officiant is a shaky line especially since it's your cousin as well.
Question 2:
You absolutely do not need to invite children of friends and absolutely definitely do not need to invite children of coworkers, if you do not want to. We did not invite children of friends(but then again no friends have kids yet but if they did I imagine we would have) or co-workers. But had a couple ask if it was OK because they had to travel out of town for our wedding and it would be difficult finding a sitter for the 2 year old but if they had to they completely understand. The kid was young enough where we did not have to pay for him anyway so we let them bring the kid. And even if we had to pay for the kid we still would have said yes because really for what they were spending to travel to our wedding the child's plate $ was minimal.
Question 3:
I think this depends highly on your family and the individual child and where your wedding is in relation to where everyone lives.
In my family all the kids are (and were!) party animals! Being up till 11pm partying it up and going crazy is the norm for them! Our wedding went till 11pm and you betcha all the kids were still on the dance floor dancing.
Questions 4 & 5:
Again, we only specifically invited children of family. Only one couple non family asked to bring their kid and we kinda expected more to ask and figured we'll deal with it on a case by case basis. And again no one left particularly earlier because their kids were there.
We didn't invite children but had the mindset that anyone who was traveling and wanted to bring their children would be able to. Ultimately, one couple brought their child (under 6mo). One couple left early to relieve a babysitter (our event ran until 11 as well). At least two other couples were super happy to have a child free evening and spent the whole night on the dance floor. Another guest let her child have a sleep over with grandma and grandpa and spent the night at the hotel to join us for brunch the next morning. Overall, I don't think it's as big of a deal as some people (my FMIL for example) make it to not invite children as many parents enjoy a night out. So, I would say invite the children you are close to, and invite children of family members but don't invite children of friends or co-workers if you don't want to. Of course, if the children are tired or miserable I'm sure their parents will leave. Better yet, talk to your MOH and ask what she prefers, maybe she would be happy to have a child free evening with her man.
We only invited children of immediate family memebers, our nieces and nephews. Because there were 11 of them, we felt like that was enough children considering we were trying to have a smaller wedding and originally wanted it to be adults only.
The couples who came and didn't bring children actually left early since they had babysitters who had to be released. Our siblings all arranged for grandparents (their in-laws) to take the kids so they could party all night. I wish they would have been swept away earlier, but that's a hard conversation to have so I just went with it.
The only children at our whole wedding were my 2 nephews (7 and 2) and my niece (6). The older nephew was the ring bearer and the niece was the flower girl. Two of my bridesmaids have small children (under 2), one of which was at the church and one of my bridesmaids' sister brought her baby to the church. If anyone had wanted to bring a small child I wouldn't have minded but they weren't technically invited - just too many to start wading into that pool! Only my sister's three kids were at the reception - they are my pride and joy - but that I wasn't going to flip out if someone wanted to bring their little ones.
On a less relevant note - my 1st cousins all have children and number about 80 or so when you add them all up so we kept the guest list to first cousins and spouses only - there was no way we could invite some cousin's kids and not others and they're big - school age, high school, college, post college - so that was a line that we drew and no one minded - we are all aware we have a big family and it's just not practical to add in an entire generation!
We invited children but alot of my friends told me that they are not going to bring them even though our wedding is out of state and for a whole weekend. We will probably have around 15 children. I am organzing some child care to be available at the reception in a private room. All of our guests with children are also staying at the inn so that makes it a little easier for us. I am also putting together goody bags for the kids and having a "kids table" at the reception to keep them entertained during dinner.
Question 1: Yes. You should be consistent, either all or none.
Question 2: I think it's ok to just have family kids. But again, as long as you're consistent and don't just invite one or two friend's kids.
Question 3: I had two babies and one 5 year old at my wedding (it was a very small wedding) and none of the parents left early.
Questions 4 & 5: We invited all children. But it was a small wedding, and we're close with all the children.
As a parent I just wanted to say that I don't always bring my kids to weddings. You may want to take a poll of your guests (if you feel comfortable) and see whether they even want to bring their kids. Sometimes couples want an adult night out and weddings can be romantic for the attendees as well.
It's fine to invite family's children but not other people's children such as coworkers.
You cannot assume that those who bring kids will stay less time than those without kids (who knows - perhaps those without kids will race home first!?).
I don't think people with kids who don't get an invite should feel slighted - obviously you may know some kids better than others so don't feel obglied to invite them if you don't want to. Similarly, you also don't have to invite all cousins just because you've invited some.
I'm still working on the kid issue myself, but I just wanted to say the first line of your post has made me hungry for waffles.
I think that if you invite your some of your family's kids, they all have to be, thats what I'm doing but I only have 3 in my family. But you are, by no means, obligated to invite everyone's kids. Leave it at family.
If you invite kids, it's all or none. It is rude to play favorites and folks will justifiably hold it against you in the future if you do.
We grappled with this same issue, and due to our already blown up guest list and desire to stay reasonable with the budget, we made it very clear that we were only including children of immediate family. On our rsvp cards, I had written, "We are reserving ____ seats for your party. Please indiciate the number that will be attending ____." So far, so good. Because we have SO many friends with small children, it would've been a nightmare to invite them all. I think it's always a crapshoot -- some parents have to bring their kids or want to make a weekend out of it, and some inevitably jump at the chance not to. My nephews are our ring bearers and my little cousin is the flower girl, so we stayed consistent on both sides and invited all children in our immediate family only. I put that on our website and spread the word by mouth. As I said, so far so good :) Good luck.
At my cousin's wedding - black tie, NO children at all - last summer, our family took shifts in the hotel where the reception was held. Some adults would stay to watch them and take shifts doing so. The part that was unfortunate was that not everyone got to see every part of the wedding, but that's their issue then.... you need to do what is best for your wedding, your budget, your conscience, etc.
:)
Immediate family only are bringing children to our wedding (of which there's only a few) and they all are at least 10ish. We didn't want to have little ones running around and risking things being chaotic. Also, We wanted it to be an adult affair where people can let loose and have a great time. Many of our friends have children and they are actually very excited to have a "date night" away with most of their little ones spending the night at grandma and grandpas.
The only kids we invited were our first cousins and the kids tables ages ranged from 5-12. Our friends' kids were not invited and nobody seemed to have a problem with it. Many of our friends/family that had younger kids stayed until at least 10:00 and some even stayed until the end of the night. I think parents like to have a night away from their kids once in a while anyway. If they left a little earlier, I really didn't notice much because I was too busy on the dance floor anyway!
I think you should invite children of all family members and relatives. Everyone else can choose to get a babysitter or stay at home. If you don't invite your relatives' kids then there may be a fight between you and your family or in-laws. Just do it to save the relationship.
People with kids probably will leave early, and that is sad, but it's ok. But be careful about your reception being that long in the first place. People may not want to stay until 11pm as it is. You know your guests better than I though.
@Ember78 - I still have family members who hold it against me that their children weren't invited. They were astonished that I chose to invite 1st cousins ONLY (for space reasons) and decided not to come.
Questions 1-3: You can invite whomever you want--children included--period. BUT you will start to have problems when you "slice and dice." That doesn't mean you can't do it; just know that you'll have fewer snubbed feelings and fewer touchy conversations if you make the rules very clear: ONLY children in the bridal party; ONLY relatives; ONLY kids older than 12...Once you start saying "only-my-relatives-except-for-so-and-so's-triplets-who-are-so-cute" you start walking a fine line. Your choice whether you want to deal with that kind of fallout.
Questions 3-5: I understand that you just want to accommodate parents and make the party fun for them, but honestly, this is not within your control and kind of overstepping your bounds. Typically, parents are parents first. Guests second. So that means that for a lot of them, whatever their kids need will take priority--you can invite their kids and half the parents may leave early to take their kids home and put them to bed. You can NOT invite their kids and half the parents may STILL leave early to GO home so they can be there to put their kids to bed--in other words, if mom and dad want to put their kids to bed and leave your party, then they're going to do that. No matter what you do.
Having said that, if you want to maximize the likelihood that your guests will stay for the party, then the best solution is to invite the kids--because if you don't, some parents may decline the event altogether in protest or decline because they can't afford a babysitter or don't feel comfortable leaving their kids home with one. IN addition to inviting the kids, you can also make it easier on parents if you have your wedding at/near a hotel so that if they DO leave to put their kids to bed, they can return to the party easily and/or have a separate "kids' room" and hire babysitters so parents can peek in on their kids periodically but not have to worry about childcare. It's not necessary that you do these things, but if ensuring your friends stay for the festivities is a priority, this is probably the best way to help that happen.
We had only our nieces and nephews and I invited the three kids I babysat for. Aside from that, we had no other children. I made no bones about it. My cousins who had children were actually happy to be able come and enjoy the night!
(I know it was 26.5 years ago ... but same situation ...)
I wish you luck. Be firm but kind and it will all work out.
Something I thought of with my own similar situation is that if you were to only invite the 3 kids (which is exactly what I wanted to do) they will likely get bored. If you have more kids (I'm now looking at around 15-20) they will probably (hopefully!) play together and entertain themselves more.
@NorthernLights: my mom gave me the EXACT same advice that your friend did! =)
don't feel obligated on the kids my God, they're too young to understand the meaning an adult event
We had an interesting chat with the 2 parents of kids who would come and both of them said - "are you kidding, we are looking forward to leaving (insert childs name here) at home and hitting the dance floor!"
OK. Here goes.
Children in the wedding are NOT considered 'children.' They are the wedding party. Give the offiant's child something to do. Anything. You didn't say how old. Pass out programs? Double ring bearer for two ring ceremony? Second flower girl? I've seen little girls carrying bridal trains instead of having them drape along the floor. That would be a different touch. Very British, I believe.
You do not therefore need to invite children of family at all. Otherwise, you will need to invite Mr. and Mrs. and Family for everyone and let each family decide if they want to bring their kid or not. It's either all or nothing. You can't draw lines between children of family or children of friends. The only exception is if the children are part of the wedding party; and they therefore are not considered 'children' as I have said.
Parents who bring kids will, yes, exit early. Unless they are pre teens or teens. On the other hand, if they are paying for a baby sitter, they may exit early as well. Unless the music is hopping and people are having fun, they will leave early as it will have been along day for people and they will have to drive back. Music is very important and if the DJ or band leader is involving the crowd getting them up on their feet. If they are staying at the hotel they will dance until the cows come home and it isn't an issue. They won't go up to their hotel room early to go to bed; but if they drive, they may go home early whether or not they have kids.
If you are concerned about people leaving consider ending at 10:00 if you can and move everything ahead one hour. I know you think 10:00 is early; but all things considered, it isn't. The good thing is that the wedding is on a Saturday and people don't have to wake at the crack of dawn to get the work the following day. But I am hearing you say several times you are worried about people leaving early...then you should address this possibility and make it less of a possibility that they will.
I think 11 is late, Not generally, but for a wedding where people need to get home by car. Check out your invitation list. How many have to get sitters? How many will be driving home? What distance? Make a chart. You will know what to do when you see the way it charts out.
Best of Luck.
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I am still waffling on this, but I'm pretty sure in the end, we're going to allow children at our wedding. My niece and nephew will be in my wedding as a flower girl and ring bearer, and I'd also like my officiant's (my cousin) children to be there. My mom tells me that I must allow children of all family members if my niece and nephew will be there, and especially if my cousin's children will be invited. However, she has also told me I simply must invite all of my cousins because I am inviting some of them, even though I'm not really all that close with or really ever see some of them, and frankly I think that kind of thinking is a little bit of a guilt trip.
Question 1: Is it rude to invite only children that you have a special relationship to, and leave out others? I get the feeling this question is going to get a resounding YES.
Question 2: Do I also need to invite children of couples that are not related to me or my FI, such as friends and coworkers, or can I limit it to only the children of family members without being rude?
Question 3: Will inviting children mean that those children's parents will leave really, really early? *This is the real issue I have with inviting children, rather than the extra expense and potential for chaos/tantrums.* Our wedding is an evening wedding at 5:30pm, followed by a cocktail hour then dinner and dancing. We've booked everything until 11pm, and while I do expect many people will be leaving well before then, I'm concerned that any friends who bring children will need to leave much earlier than they ordinarily would, like 8:30 or so, so that they can get the kids off to bed. This would make me a little sad, especially since one set of parents who might have to leave early would be my maid of honor and my FI's best man. I would be really sad to see either of them have to leave early because they have to get the little one off to bed.
Questions 4 & 5: For those of you who invited children, did you invite all children of all guests, or did you limit it to just family or just children you have a special relationship with? Did having their children there cause anyone to have to leave your reception earlier than they probably would have left otherwise?