Weddingbee boards
i read a post like this a few weeks ago. If your parents aren't contributing to your wedding financially (and really, even if they WERE) it is terrible to be pocketing your gifts. I'm sorry - it's perhaps a tradition thing, but you and your FH clearly don't have that tradition, so they need to come down a bit. I would decline the dinner out of priciple, to be honest. I am stubborn.
I read that post too- about parents keeping some of the gift money to offset the cost of the wedding. But you should have no problem if you stick with tradition, since you are paying for it, there will be no cost to offset :)
Wow, I'd tell them that there's no way you're going through with that dinner, sorry. Tradition or not, if my parents weren't paying there's no way they'd be MAKING money off of my wedding. I mean... that's just wrong. That would really upset & hurt me, and since she's only hosting the dinner to make money, it seems, tell her that with all the stuff you have to do, you won't be able to do it like you said before.
Ditto, since you're paying for it, the gifts are definitely yours.
thanks guys, I was kind of venting. While they are paying for that particular dinner, it still isn't fair. At this point, I can't cancel her dinner, but will be very adamant about what is and not fair, otherwise I can't justify going as well, not because of the money but the principle of it.
I got married in Dalian, China this past October. Her father picked up the food and venue costs and I took care of the rest. We received a lot of red envelopes on our wedding day. The parents kept their guest's money and we kept our guest's money. Kind of weird if you ask me. Felt like a business transaction!! But, I am in China, what I am going to do? My family, who flew from the states had a ball, and we enjoyed ourselves as well!
Had my wedding occured in the US, I would have definitely gone about it a bit different.
Congratulations and best wishes!
You getting marred in Florida?
Sit down with your parents and tell them what's going to happen. You're going to keep the gifts OR you're going to put an announcement in your invitations mentioning the registry and/or that money should be sent to X location for the bride and groom or something to that extent.
If they aren't paying for it, it seems completely unreasonable for then to keep it. How about helping YOU offset the cost of the wedding, right? You're paying for it! Otherwise, tell your parents you won't accept their dinner "gift by not attending. Seriously--why should you? I'm with you on the principle of the idea.
Keep in mind you're marrying a white american and let her know this! A good portion of your guests will not be chinese and will not follow chinese customs. Let your 'rents know that this is a merging of cultures--it's not all Chinese or all Western.
Seriously... wouldn't it be tradition for them to pay for the reception? If they are breaking tradition by not paying for the reception why should they follow tradition to keep the cash? Stand up for yourself and your FI!
Um... if they're not paying for it, why do they get to keep the money? I'd say just don't give it to them. Your wedding is not a money making scheme, for either you or parents.
I totally agree that your parents should not get the money if they're not paying for it, even if they're paying for the dinner.
It's true that a lot of the old wedding traditions "shaft" the groom's family, but that's because in ancient China, the bride's family is actually losing a beloved family member. She often left and travelled away to live in her husband's household, and so since the groom's family is gaining a family member, the bride's family is supposed to be duly compensated for their loss. The bride's family must also be assured that their daughter will be taken care of.
Nowadays, such traditions are more symbolic and have been adapted to suit modern times and experiences. In all the Chinese weddings I've been to, the red envelopes go to the bride and groom. Yes, the bride will sometimes receive jewelry, but the majority of Chinese guests I know of bring red envelopes for the couple, not the bride's parents. Nor have I ever heard of the groom's parents having to pay 30K plus to the bride's family. Since the bride's family doesn't actually lose her the way they used to, what is there to compensate them for - especially with that amount of money?
If you want to talk tradition, the bride's parents is supposed to give her a really, super duper lavish gift as well to send her off in style. And your father was supposed to have made some wine and buried it in the backyard to be dug up and drunk to celebrate your marriage.... Lol!
I don't know the details about the Chinese tradition but it sounds like your mom has a case of whatever my mom has, too - the tendency to want to honor traditions that only benefit her. Pendragon has a point - is your mother going to follow the traditional duties of bride's parents? My mom had made comments about how in Chinese tradition, the groom's side pays for the whole wedding, and yet fought to have the wedding be taken place near her, saying that traditionally (in America), the wedding is held at the bride's location.
@beijingfoto - I totally agree with you... I am finding out in an unpleasant way that weddings to them are like a business transaction - it's all about making money. It's so ridiculous. I hate it.
Technically my parents are paying for that "little Chinese dinner" that turned into an entirely different reception. And yes, my mom has the "i want to honor tradition" syndrome sometimes when when raised me, probably unintentially, very liberal.
Either way, I think it's rude and very stressful- the wedding is only a month away and I find out about this custom! Quite frankly, if I had known that she was going deeper in debt by shelling out at least $2G for this stupid dinner, I would have had her help pay for our actual wedding! Needless to say, I'm pissed. My aunt already gaave $200 to my mom, saying "here's money for you throwing the party." Wtf?!
I feel as though I can't cancel on it now as much as I'd like her to not spend anything, but at least let me and my husband enjoy a party about us.
Just to chime in on what I've experienced....My sister-in-law recently married a Chinese man. The reception costs were split between both sets of parents and the couple. But any cash they received for the wedding, his parents collected. However, it is not for their personal use, it is supposedly to throw a baby shower and help with expenses upon the birth of their first child. Thought it was kind of different, but just wanted to throw it out there!
My husband is also Asian (Cambodian) and he brought up the idea of giving part of our wedding gift money back to his parents. His logic was that his parents have attended many weddings and "invested" in other families, etc. and when they then gift to us, it's kind of a payback of some of the money his parents shelled out at previous events. I had issue with that, given my own parents had a larger financial investment in OUR wedding, and think that wedding gifts are for the couple and to help them get established in their new life. I think I'd be upset if I found out my gift was going to someone's parents.
You have a tough situation, I'm sorry! I think in general, people should plan the party they can afford for themselves or their children, and not rely on gifts to cover any event costs. If family wants to help cover the dinner, like your aunt, they just give the money to your folks with that designation. Gifts should just be gifts.
I, personally, agree with MerryC. She has some very good points. The wedding gifts are supposed to be for the couple to establish their new lives together. Especially in you're case, where you're family is not paying for the wedding.
Lots of cultures have money-giving traditions, but I've never heard of that going towards anyone other than the couple.
I'm Chinese myself and I've never heard of this before. My parents paid for half the wedding and my husband's parents (who are Caucasian) paid for the other half. But all the gifts we received (which was predominately cash in red envelopes) were gifts to us and only us.
I'm not sure where your mom got this idea because my parents are immigrants from China who have never heard of this before.
P.S. We also had a Chinese banquet as the rehearsal dinner, like your mom suggested, but my parents and his parents split the cost.
I'm having a wedding in Hong Kong. Similar to you, we're having two events. I'm Chinese and my fiance is White (American). We're hosting 1 Western style wedding ceremony and 1 chinese wedding banquet the next day. Just to answer some of your questions on tradition - normally it is the groom's parents that pay for the wedding in Chinese culture. And yes, the money gifts traditionally go back to the grooms parents to help pay for the reception. It's considered a polite gesture from the guests. It really is more about the parents and 2 families joining together rather than the bride and groom themselves sad to say.
Since, we're hosting the wedding in Hong Kong though, and would like to keep with tradition of hosting a Chinese banquet, my parents are paying for the whole event. I guess we're very lucky in that regard. They don't expect any of the money back, however, my fiance and I will offer it back to them out of respect. It's really about giving your appreciation to your parents for raising you, feeding you and putting a roof over your head. It's definitely a generational value, on top of a cultural one.
I guess your situation is a bit different since you and your fiance are footing the bill of your wedding. But perhaps if you could talk to your mom about how to reach a middle ground, while still showing respect for tradition, that might be your best bet. It's not easy, and a tough spot to be in since I know others in the same situation. Good Luck, and hope you find a compromise!
i agree with others that you should stand up for yourself & your fiancee, but i have to say that what your mom said are all actually correct, but the $30,000+ upward does not have to be that much, it can be just a "ceremony/act".
agree with ting ting...get your fiance in on this the help reach an understanding with your mom!
Just tell your guests that they should give the cash to you and not to your mom. Or those who attend her pre-wedding chinese dinner can just give her a hostess give but not a wedding gift. Otherwise, ask your mom why she doesn't still bind her feet. J/k.. maybe nicer but u get my point.
Honestly, I would take a different stand than many of the other posters, and just let your mother have the money.
Clearly, it is traditional. I think fussing about how she doesn't follow all traditions is a bit unfair. No one follows all the old traditions. It doesn't make the ones we do follow any less valid. This particular tradition is still very much alive and flourishing, as many other posters have attested. So it's not surprising that she would expect this.
There definitely is something a little off about the money being intended to offset the costs of the wedding when she is not paying for the wedding. But, as you yourself mentioned, it is also to offset many other costs, including gifts to the giver's children when they marry, and, as others have mentioned, gifts to your future children. Not to mention the cost of this party, which you say is putting her deeper into debt! I can certainly understand why YOU would rather she spend that money on your wedding, but it's equally understandable that SHE would like to have this traditional Chinese event.
As for all the advice to specify to your guests that all gifts go to you - I STRONGLY disagree. Whatever the situation with you and your mom, it does not suddenly beocme less rude to make demands of your guests with regards to gift giving. And since this custom only applies to Chinese guests, it would seem that they would expect the money to go to your mother, and would likely be put out by the idea that it is going to you. While YOU may want it to go to you, THEY likely want it to go to your mother. That is their perogative.
I disagree with telling your guests to give you the gifts directly. I also disagree with getting your Fiance involved. When it comes to issues between you and your parents, it's something that you should take care of. It might make a situation worse if he gets involved. Can you talk to your mom about only letting her take whatever the costs is of the reception? And then give the rest to you? Don't most people bring the money to the actual ceremony/reception anyways?
@ Smithme- You actually hit the nail on the head. I discussed this with my fiance and we both agreed to let my parents keep the money from that particular dinner (which is 3 days earlier). I mean, my parents can't afford this extravagant dinner so to follow tradition would allow them to get the Chinese wedding dinner they want for their only daughter. My fiance and I are responsible and independent enough to get back onto our feet. I just want my mom to be happy and she's already done a lot for this dinner. I just wished I knew she was going to shell out this money ahead of time so that she could actually help us pay for the wedding.
Even though it's less true in America, I say you get married only once! And gosh darn it, at least my fiance doesn't have to shell out $50,000 to my parents just for marrying me! (I'm dead serious!)
I had to respond because I just had a conversation with my mom about this last weekend! My caucasian fiance and I paying for our own wedding in the US, and my parents are hosting a reception in Hong Kong. My mom explained that yes, since she and my dad are paying for the reception, they will be keeping any of the cash given to them. And as my mom explained it, my relatives clearly intend for the money to go to them, not to us!
It is kind of a bummer, because if my relatives could make it to the US wedding, then obviously we might get real gifts, or any money they gave us, we could keep. But if there's a reception in HK, clearly very few of them are going to shell out the money to fly over here when they can just wait a few months for the HK event.
But, I remind myself that we *are* getting a second wedding reception in HK paid for by my parents, so I can't complain. And my mom said that if I had paid for the HK reception, then all the money would go to me (haha, I don't have the money to pay for that!)
I know it seems unfair, but maybe this tradition will disappear within our generation. I know my parents have given *tons* of money to other friends at their children's weddings, so I guess it's time they got some back. It seems like a game of pass-around-the-money among my parents' generation.
I guess the most unfortunate thing was that your mom didn't tell you about the second dinner until late, and then it bloomed into a full on reception. I would be annoyed. But maybe your mom is doing to "keep face" among family and friends - I know my parents are making the HK reception way nicer than I feel is necessary, so they won't be embarrassed in front of their friends. In a strange way while I feel weddings in the US have become all about the couple, especially since most couples plan and pay for it themselves, in other parts of the world it's still about the family and parents - the bride and groom are sort of just there as decorations:)
I hope your wedding went well! At least you weren't like my sister - she found out about this tradition at her wedding reception! Ouch!
It is possible that your mother's friends are pressuring her into having that reception. Maybe your relatives are asking her when it will be, forcing her to pony up to do it. When you think about it from her perspective, it sucks that she's expected to host a party she can't afford, so hopefully people bring enough money to cover the bill!
I think @smithme makes some really excellent points here, and I tend to agree with her on most of them (understanding why your mother would want a traditional chinese second reception, etc).
So here's what I understand of the tradition, based on the discussions I had with my mother when the option of a second reception "Chinese style" was a possibility for our wedding festivities. Traditionally, a chinese banquet involves inviting EVERYBODY - and most of the guests are parents friends/friend's kids/coworkers/distant relatives, because it is offensive to not extend this number of invites. Thus, the majority of these guests weren't the married couple's friends. Further, the gifts were given to the parents, who hosted the reception, in a tradition of "reciprocal giving." For example, my father's coworker comes to our wedding and gives $X amount. A few years down the road, when my father is invited to the coworker's child's wedding, he will give a comparable amount. Sounds odd, and is somewhat offensive to Western sensibilites I would imagine, but this reciprocal giving is part of the motivation behind this practice.
So I guess what I would want to know is - who is invited to this Chinese wedding banquet? Is it a separate or larger guest list that includes a larger circle of your parent's acquaintances? If it is, then just let them do their thing. HOWEVER, since YOU are footing the bill for the actual reception/wedding, then I think it would be graceful of your mother to take what she needs to foot the cost of the Chinese banquet, and give the rest to you guys. This might be an appropriate compromise. Personally, when my (Caucasian-American) husband and I ran into this dilemma, we decided that we would let my parents keep the gifts, no matter what the amount, as a subtle and minute way of showing gratitude for what they've done and sacrificed to raise me.
While Mr. R's parents paid for our wedding reception (in Chinese tradition), they didn't ask us for the $$$ - which I haven't heard about before; although I do know some Asian girl friends who ended up giving all the cash from their weddings to their parents to "re-pay" them; our parents wanted us to have the $$ from our wedding bc we're poor kids. BUT, Mr. R's parents did want to know exact AMOUNTS from their guests so they would know how much to give when those peoples' kids' get married. So it kinda makes sense. And it totally DOES sound like a Chinese thing to do, however much it sucks.
I echo Mrs. Ramen's comment. I've heard of giving money to parents who paid for the wedding, but definitely not straight up pocketing the money. I know Chinese parents generally want to know how much guests (their friends generally) gave.
If you are handling your own wedding financially, it doesn't make much sense for the parents to be pocketing the cash.
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I recently talked to my mom about our wedding. My FH who is white American and I(ABC) are paying for the entire wedding ourselves. My mom wants to host a chinese dinner days before wedding. I say fine, but later find out some random tradition according to her! Has anyone heard of this?
If there are cash gifts given by the chinese people, the bride's parents gets to take it to "offset the cost of the reception" or as my coworker says, "to determine how much to give the giver's children's wedding 18 years down the road." WTF... we're paying for everything ourselves!
Also, if the couple DO receive gifts, it's only jewelry for the bride. Meaning, it's not about the couple, it's for the bride only and the groom gets shafted. If you want to get even more traditional, the groom's parents are supposed to give the bride's family like $30,000+ upward and/or buy them a house. NOT JOKING. Either way, the groom and his family gets shafted. Instead of a downpayment for a new house, the couple will likely get a pile of fancy jewelry to stare at and wonder why they don't have a nicer living environment full of appliances and bedding and etc. It's very political and the end is very old school where back in the day women were literally property so to marry a good woman, the man and his family literally had to "buy" all of that stuff for the bride's family.
Needless to say, it's kind of ridiculous and I'm kind of upset about it. I know the "buy your inlaws a house" won't be implemented, but I'm pretty sure they'll take our wedding present(cash). I'm soooo annoyed but wondered if you guys experienced any of this?