Post # 1
My Fiance and I are chinese but only know about the western traditions since we were both raised in the states. Recently I found out that it is a Chinese tradition for the grooms and family to pay for the wedding and give money to the girls parents in a red envelope. (lai gum). Chinese people see it as giving a daughter away so money is given in return. My mom suggesgted to invite my Fiance family to dinner and talk about the wedding and the lai gum. At frist they agree. Now my Fiance family does not want go. Keeping in my both of our paretns know each other since we were kids. They lost communication when my fi family moved a few hrs away. Basically my Fiance parents did not want to go bc he does not want to talk about lai gum. He said there isnt such a thing in western culture. My mom knows that but we are both chinese so she expected it. Honestly mom does not want alot I think maybe a few thousand. Which my fi famiy can spare and was planning to give us 5 thousand for the wedding I think. I dont want them to get a bad opinion of each other. I know my mom is not money hungury she just wants to follow tradition. At this point my fi may just have to use our own money to give my mom. Its been so stressful know that my mom expects money and not pay for the wedding.
Post # 3
Just tell your mom that this is not a tradition that you are comfortable and that since you are raised in the US that you do not feel that you are being given away and that you belong to the grooms family. Say you are not comfortable with his family going along with this tradition and what it means for you. That way if you are worried of them forming a bad opinion and that it would effect their relationship, they can be protected from that since this is your choice.
Post # 4
Maybe just tell your mom that you don’t appreciate being “sold,” as it were. That’s basically what a dowry is. Say you thought about it and would prefer to stick to your more Western upbringing. If you’re the one to bring it up, then it shouldn’t reflect badly on your FI’s family.
Post # 6
Also if she does want to follow tradition, it would be the grooms parents that is expected to pay for the wedding also.
Post # 7
I don’t think western bee’s will understand the dilemma. It’s not as simple as telling your mom that you’re not comfortable. It’s a respect/tradition issue. It’s the equivelent and as deep-rooted as bride’s parents hosting and paying for the wedding in western culture. While some families are doing away with this because the couple pays for themselves, it’s still pretty common for the bride’s parents to pay.
I have a few Chinese friends that went through this, but the groom’s family usually just complies. I think this is something you and your Fiance should work out between the families. Maybe you can lower your mom’s expectations and get your FI’s parents to be a more accommodating. Or use the wedding gift money they planned on giving you and split it with your mom.
Post # 8
@strawberrypeach: ask Fiance parents to give $888 dollars. That should do the trick.
Post # 9
@Scar_cats_tic: Lol, +1!
@Bazingau: I see your point, but it’s possible that the FI’s family see the bride’s mother as picking and choosing which traditions to uphold. If the wedding is going to be predominately western, then it might seem suspect that the bride’s mother is choosing a monetary tradition of all the traditions she could choose from.
Post # 11
Dear Prudence gave advice on a very similar situation just this week! See the video here: http://bcove.me/3slwa2sp
Post # 12
It’s your marriage. Therefore it’s up to you to set boundaries as to what’s appropriate. You get to call the shots here, so you guys can decise what’s appropriate. You may have to stand up to your parents, but that’s what being an adult is all about!
Post # 13
@Bazingau: I actually don’t know a single person who got married and the bride’s parents paid for everything. It’s pretty much a tradition that’s gone by the way side. Not sure if that’s a very good example to bridge the culture gap here.
Post # 14
@BabyCarat: oh but best part about Chinese weddings? if you have enough Chinese guests, you’ll have a lot of gold necklaces, red pockets and gold bracelets by the end of the night lol
Post # 15
Yeah I think your Mom needs to back down on this one. I wouldn’t be pleased to hand over a thousand dollars for that.
Also I know my friend who got married has similar tradition involving providing food and money. However now it’s largely ceremonial. Her groom was black American but he did it, and also because it didn’t require him forking over a few thousand dollars. Maybe you guys can find a way to interpreted it but not in such a literal way.
Post # 16
I am sorry you are having to deal with two cultures. Your wedding is not Chinese tradition because your FI’s family isnt paying for it. If that is not the case and you both are not following the Chinese tradition then your mother should understand and not expect money. It seems that you and your Fiance are paying for the wedding and his family is only contributing. So that goes to show that you are more into western culture.