Post # 1
ok bees, I’m getting really tired of my mom’s constant nagging about Chinese traditions.
My SO and I only want a small wedding so we are planning a ceremony with brunch reception for our close family and friends, ~50 guests. My mother, being the o-so-traditional Chinese mother, wants an extravagant reception. I resisted but eventually agreed on condition that she’ll organize and pay for the dinner reception.
Since then, she’s been telling everyone that my ceremony will be small but her dinner will be extravagant. The more she talks about it, the more I feel like it’s not MY WEDDING anymore. I am beginning to wonder if I should even bother going.
To make matters worse, she recently started to tell me about other Chinese traditions that I have to follow, i.e. buy a pair of shoes for my brother; bring home a roasted pig 3 days after I’m officially married; and give out pastry cards for everyone she invited to her reception?! WTF…
I’m frustrated and feel belittled…I don’t even want to bother planning or doing any wedding related stuff anymore.
Post # 3
@kitkatz: I can’t help you. My wedding has been completely hijacked by my Chinese mother and my FI’s Italian father. It just wasn’t worth the fighting and the nagging. So basically whatever they wanted to add, they’re paying for. I’m just along for the ride. My ideal wedding? Hardly. Will I have a good time with family and friends? Of course!
Post # 4
@kitkatz: I usually read posts but don’t write a lot but I wanted to respond to your post
My situation was similar to yours. I wanted a small wedding ( around 75 people) and I only wanted a “western” style wedding. My MIL wanted to do a traditional Chinese wedding banquet too. I was against it but I could see how upset she got when I hinted that I didn’t want to do it. In the end, I conceded and we did 2 separate days.
During the planning stage I was stressed about all of the traditions like buying my brothers shoes (why?!), wearing red pyjamas underneath my qun kwa, carrying a red suitcase when leaving my mum’s house, having my hair brushed by an older married female with kids etc etc. I thought the door games were the biggest hassle but they ended up being quite fun for everyone. Don’t let the traditions drive you nuts. You need to compromise with your mum and tell her which ones you are willing to do.
Both days ended up being beautiful and memorable for both families. It feels like a pain now but when it’s all over hopefully you will see how happy both families are.
I’ll PM you a link to my wedding album so you can see both days
Post # 5
@kitkatz: My parents threatened to hijack my wedding too. We wanted small and simple. They wanted big and flashy. The thing is, if you let them pay for it, you have little choice but to go with what they want to do. If you want a wedding on your own terms, you have to pay for it. That was a lesson I learned from talking to tons of Asian American couples who dealt with similar situations. In addition, I didn’t want any of the Chinese traditions because I am extremely religious and do not agree with the spiritual origins of many of the Chinese traditions.
In Asian culture the wedding isn’t about the bride and groom – there is no concept of “it’s your day”. That’s a very American notion. In Asian culture, the wedding is about the b&g’s parents. So either put your foot down and cancel the big reception, or you just have to go with what your parents pick out.
Post # 6
I totally hear from you. I recently feel that my mom is hijacking my wedding too, from tradition to my wedding gown, decoration of the church.
Me and my FI wanted a simple wedding, then I thought it would be nice to include some Chinese tradition… my mom start to invite all her sibilings from HK, and yes, all 8 of them are flying over….
Then, I am ok with tea ceremony, brush my hair, cake card. Yes, as soon as I agreed, she constantly adding more details like I have to wear red pj while brushing hair. Since I’m allowing brushing hair, someone have to brush my FI hair at his house. And that elder male must be married, have parents and kids.. which is my uncle who dun even know my FI well……. it will be so awkward that he does it over at his house…
Then thought that was it, my dad is so concern about how much lai gum we are giving to them and …….. follow an old school tradition that nobody follow anymore…. he claim that any “yan chin” from our side of family goes to him…