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@eseds: We were actually thinking of doing this ourselves (for about half a second, but it still came up). I've never known anyone to do this, but I don't think it's offensive or anything like that.
It's not offensive to me at all. I think it's nice.
(I'm not changing my name and we batted around with that idea, but in the end, it was important to both of us to keep the names we were born with. However, YOU and your kids won't have to explain to people, "Yes, we're all related" :)
I did not do this, but I think it is totally awesome when people do! As I just wrote on another thread, we canned the idea because our names would sound ridiculous combined, but even if they did not I don’t think I could have convinced my husband to do it.
If anything, I am far more offended when people assume that I did change my name (I kept mine) than I would be if I heard that someone in my family created a new last name with their spouse.
I've never heard of this until your post, but I think it's such a great idea!! Why not create a new name for your new family?!
I think it's an interesting idea, but I would be prepared for some negative feedback, or at least confusion. It's definitely not done around here. I think I would be confused if someone just made up new last names for themselves.
We have been considering this as well though we thought it would be pretty cool to change our name to "Awesome", Mr. & Mrs. Awesome (partly kidding!).
FI's last name is difficult. It rhymes with a popular male first name so everyone always assumes thats what it is. It's gotten to the point now where we don't even correct people anymore.
The last name also has no sentimental value to either FI or his brother since the name is that of their deadbeat, scumbag father. They are the only two people in their family (besides my FSIL and myself after were married) to have the last name so we certainly wouldn't upset anyone by changing it. The only thing holding us back now is FI's career. He's well known in the tech world for mac and iPhone development so changing his name would seriously confuse people and could hurt his business.
In addition to making up an entirely new last name (which I have also heard of), some people will combine the names they already have to make a new one. Some examples of this are turning Robinson and Carrington into “Robington,” for example. Some other people will combine the entirety of their two last names but without a hyphen, for example Lawson and Smith into Lawsonsmith. Sure, there are countless arguments against doing this (“No connection to the rest of your family!” “Not stable for future generations because no names get passed on!” etc etc). For people who do this, though, I imagine that having a shared family name that is equitable between spouses (i.e., not just one person changed their name) is more important to them than these negatives.
I wouldn't be offended if I heard of someone doing this, but if it was me personally my family and FI's family would probably flip. Maybe I come from a line of traditional people, but I can just see my grandmother swooning over this progressive idea lol. If it works for your circumstances, however, then I think you should go for it! At least the two of you will have the same last name to start your new family with :)
The only people who would probably be offended would be his family.. it is probably expected that you will change your name, but your husband doing so might come as a shock to people.
I'm a huge believer in doing what you want though! if you spend your whole life worrying what other people think you'll never truly be happy!
I wouldn't judge someone who did this, but as someone who does genealogy for a hobby I wanted to make you aware of the challenges this will pose to future generations. Once you get 3-4 generations into the future it would be very difficult for anyone to trace back the family tree, because they would be looking for the wrong name. If you do make the change I would suggest you document it as well as possible. If you have a family bible, you could record the change (as well as a description of why you made the change) there to preserve it for future generations.
I don't think it is offensive but I personally just find it a little weird. I'm one of those people who react with “No connection to the rest of your family!” and “Not stable for future generations because no names get passed on!” but I'm pretty traditional. I just honestly don't understand the logic or thought process behind choosing to do this. I'd never even consider any other option beyond taking DH's name because everything else just isn't right to me. But to each their own!
I love this option. I've heard of people doing it, but no one I know personally offline has. It is something that I brought up as a possible option for us because I am totally uncomfortable with changing my name while he keeps his, but in our case we are both very attached to our given names so it got nixed quickly.
In my opinion, if anyone finds it offensive that is THEIR problem and NOT your problem. Just like with the more traditional name choices, anyone who is offended by anyone else's choice needs to mind their own business.
I know a gay couple who did this and I didn't think it was strange. DH adn I were actually contemplating changing our name to his REAL last name, our current name is a result of a record keeper at Ellis Island shortening it.
Mrs and Mr Star did this, I think its pretty cool, and neat that you can pick your own name! my friend did this for her son - she isn't with the father anymore, and didn't want him to have her name, so she gave him her grandfather's last name. The grandfather had all daughters so there was no chance of his name living on, but now there is!
Personally I think the only one that would be offended would be his dad... which would be the main reason for changing it!! Hes sort of an ass, his family doesnt particularly like my FH or his brother... his mom is getting remarried and is now changing her name... theres very few emotional ties to his given last name.. We wouldnt just pick a random name or combine names, but if we so choose to do this we would choose a maternal maiden name. interesting though the geneology, i didnt think of that. Thanks for the thoughts ladies
Whether it's offensive would be up to what kinds of families you're both from. I can think of families who would embrace that type of thing, but I also know that my family (and my FI's family) would be hurt.
I think the only people who could possibly be offended are the immediate family members, since they might (rightly or wrongly) take it as rejection. I don't see what grounds anyone else could possibly have to be offended - not their business! Personally, I think it's a nice idea, if it's what you two want.
Two of my really good friends did this. Their names went together really well, too, so even though they've discovered that they're the only people in the country with this last name, it sounds like a "real" last name when you hear it. If it's something you want to do, I say go for it.
This reminds me of that Friends episode where Pheobe was going to get her name changed after she got married, only to be told by the guy at the counter that she could change her name to anything. Enter: princess consuela bananahammock. Ha!
My aunts are changing their names to something totally different (they're a legally married gay couple) once they get the money together. That's another consideration: changing your name to anything but your spouse's post-marriage is going to result in a filing fee (for my aunts it's $350 per person.) That can be an expensive choice, depending on your financial situation. Changing your name to your spouse's costs nothing.
I'm taking my FI's name because I'm traditional and I like it. :) If I didn't want to I'd keep my own name, as I've spend the past few years developing a professional reputation based on it.
I also agree with PP that have pointed out the potential difficulties with respect to geneology that creating a whole different name from scratch can pose. You're basically wiping out your entire family history for future generations that may wish to trace it back.
Here's the post Mrs. Star wrote about how she and her husband both chose a different last name together:
http://www.weddingbee.com/2010/03/22/the-stars-brave-the-name-change-storm-together/
It's definitely something I haven't heard of before. I must be the only one to think this, but I do find it somewhat offensive. Maybe I am just traditiaonal in that sense. I just always believed that when a woman got married she takes on her husbands name. I actually can;t wait to be Mrs. L....., even though I much prefer my last name ( it's original, and basiclaly one of a kind). I find it is a compliment to the family you are joining. Why seperate y ourselves, when marriage is about uniting two families. I guess I just don't understand the reasoning behind this.
@Cash000: For some people, they would like to join two families by literally joining parts of both family names. How is the joining of two families recognized when one of the family names (the wife's) is dropped entirely when she takes his name?
All I am saying is that in my PERSONAL opinion, taking on an entirely different name seems to be somewhat seperating yourselves from the family. That, it isn't about the name, or what the name is, but what the name means, and who it belongs to. In my opinion taking on the husbands name does unite the two famileis, because one family is gracious enough to give the name, while the other is gracious enough to bless their daughter in starting a new generation.
@Cash000:just to be clear as i said before we wouldnt be taking an entirely different name we would be using one of our mothers maiden name that did get dropped... which was a good point by pp that taking one name is not exactly uniting
we
I never actually said taking one name is uniting. I said that marriage is about uniting the two families, where as I see, taking no name, and going with a completely different one, seems to be somewhat seperating yourselves. You didn't say in your OP that you were taking on a mothers maiden name, but you possibly were, which means the possibility still lyed that you may take on a completely different name altogether. I were stating my point of view on that. But regardless, in my opinion, if you weren't to take on your last name, or your future husbands, I think it would be somewhat offensive to the families, because you are basically saying, the name they had carried on for generations upon generations isn't merely good enough for you, or your future family. Basically a slap in the face IMO.
@Cash000: I hope I'm not coming off as accusational or anything, but I feel like you're taking a very hard stance on what names mean and what they come from. Obviously part of this might be based on your particular circumstances vs. mine.
In my family's case, our last names goes back four generations. It's partly an Ellis Island shorterning, but it's also because in the shetl in pre-revolution Russia, most families did not have last names. They were just known as Frederick ben (son of) Mordechai or Mordechai ben Yitzak. That doesn't change how attached to it I am, as it's been my name and my family's name my whole life. (Also, I've known almost every relative who's shared it and really want to keep the association with them and my family's history in this country, much much more than I want to hold up some ethereal responsibility to honor my fiance's family name.)
I don't actually know the origins of my fiance's last name, but since his family comes from a similar background I assume it's pretty similar. A last name is not often a line to the past, unbroken through generation after generation. All the "rules" and traditions we have are fairly arbitrary and fairly recent in the scheme of things.
Well Historically, names originate in alot of differnt ways. They have to start somewhere, somehow. All I was doing was stating my opinion, which the OP asked for. I don't think I have to defend it by anymeans.
@Cash000: I wasn't saying you have to defend your opinion. I'm just saying the response that came to my mind and I think it's interesting to discuss, is all. I mean, it's your opinion. It'd be pretty rude of me to tell you that you shouldn't have it.
A friend of mine married a guy whose parents had done this when they married 30-some years ago. The husband's dad's last name had been a semi-dirty slang word, and he was really tired of living with that name, especially since he was in an industry where he was referred to publicly by his last name. The dad and mom looked through their family tree to find an old family last name that had died out (it ended up being the dad's grandmother's maiden name) and took that upon their marriage.
So when my friend got married, she went the traditional route by changing to her husband's last name, but his own last name was the product of people taking up a "new" name just one generation before. All names do start somewhere. If you choose a new last name together, I like the idea of choosing a name that is part of your family history. Although I think the dad experienced some resistance from his own father for choosing to change his name, the dad also understood in some way because he knew the burden of living with their current last name. In the long run everyone was happy.
Like a couple of ladies have mentioned, we did this, and we love it. Wouldn't have it any other way :) Good luck!
I know this sounds awful, but I don't like my last name or FI's last name! When FI's parents got married, his mom kept her maiden name and then they decided to give the kids their mother's name. Too bad, because I actually like his dad's last name! Bah!
FI and I are both fans of the show 30 Rock, and we briefly considered changing both of our last names to Spaceman, or Rural Juror. Until I read this thread I had no idea that people actually do this! Well, not choose a ridiculous joke name, but choose a new name for both of them.
Well anyway, I'm kind of stuck with my maiden name anyway because we'd have to change out my firm's letterhead and have my business cards, stamp, and seal redone with a new name. Meh.
I think its definitely an interesting idea, but I'd still look to both families for their stance on it just to make sure there's no friction.
@Cash000: Soryr i thought I was clear when i said family name, I meant a name from one of our families.. you are completely entitled to your opinion... I was just clarifying my post for you was all to make more sense... Didnt mean to sound like I was attacking you but also didnt want to give the impression we were taking bananahammock as our last name either
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The FH and I have tossed around the idea of both changing our names. Neither of us are completely attached to our given names and we considered choosing another family name... perhaps one of our mothers maiden names.. anyone done this?? anyone think its too offensive??