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No offense, but are you serious when you ask if it is okay to exclude someone because they are over weight?!?!?
On the other topic I think that if you will hurt this persons feelings if you invite her sisters but not her. Obviously she thinks that you two are close. If you do not want to have this persons daughter as your flower girl, I would politely say that you have already asked your niece and maybe this little girl could pass out programs or something else.
I had a similar issue with a really good friend that I wasn't sure I would still be super close to by the wedding. I decided to just wait it out a few months to decide on bridesmaids. This gave me some time and the clarity to make a good decision on whether or not to include her. A friend of mine hurried to ask her bridal party after her engagement and had some regrets with one of her choices. She has since asked that girl to step down. If I were you, I would wait a couple of months before picking--you have plenty of time.
I don't think it's wrong to exclude someone that you have known for a long time. That being said, I would definitely consider what will come from you not including the 3 sisters. Is it worth it to make someone upset? You should never feel like you have to include anyone though.
If you plan to exclude someone because they are overweight, there is a deeper issue there. You don't need to find further justification if you are not wanting her to be in but it's really not nice to bring that factor into it. Choose your ladies because of your relationship with them- not their weight.
The question about excluding her because of weight is easy - it's not okay. Think about how you would feel if you were excluded from a friend's wedding because of some aspect of your physical appearance?
If it were me, based on the information above I would probably include her a a BM, but I would stand firm on choosing my own flowergirl. Set that straight from the beginning so that there is no misconception that this is YOUR wedding and you will be the one making the decisions, not her.
I would probably include her as a BM because it's going to be incredibly awkward if you include all of her sisters and not her.
As for the point of being overweight, I think it's incredibly rude if you would exclude a bridesmaid because of the way she looks. How would you feel if someone did that to you? I'm hoping you're not serious.
Sure you can exclude someone because she is overweight, or has brown eyes, or is a vegetarian, or has a trick finger. But it's a pretty jerk move to tell someone who considers herself your friend that she can't be your bridesmaid because she's overweight.
But onto the rest of your concerns, I think it's okay to exclude someone with whom you are not as close as you used to be. But if you ask her two sisters and not her, you're going to be creating a lot of drama that you could avoid. And you definitely can have your own neice as opposed to your friend's daughter as a flower girl; just tell her that you've already asked your niece.
I may not have done this exactly according to Miss Manners, but when I married my ex husband, and when I am remarrying next summer, I'm going to say poo pooh to the rules regarding having one MOH! When I marry next summer, I'm having my sister as Matron of Honor again and my bff as Maid of Honor. Two once again!
So do what you feel. There's really no right or wrong.
calm down ppl the weight CLEARLY isn't a big issue...if it was i wouldn't even consider her. but the dresses i want for my bm have been selected and knowing that she's a bit of a prude, and uncomfortable with her body was a factor. i didn't want to change my ideas b/c of her...anywho the real issue is the sisters/bridesmaids deal. i think excluding her and not her sisters would cause a problem, but i honestly don't feel as close to her. i've considered not having any of them in the wedding, but then they would all be offended. including her would mean not including someone that i'm actually close to and know i can depend on. excluding her would be another issue. i'm not trying to be a bridezilla, but it's my wedding...
oh and i have been excluded from someone's wedding party b/c i was not catholic/hispanic and their family didn't think it would be appropriate, and i completely understood and was not the least bit upset.
I don't think it's wrong to not include a friend in your bridal party even though you have been friends a long time. If I were going to include all of my longtime friends, I would have like 10 people in my bridal party and that is not something I want. However, I do agree with the others that it could be pretty awkward if you ask all the girl's sisters but not her.
Now, as for not including someone because they are overweight, that's not right. And honestly, it's quite rude. Do you really think that no "overweight" girls read these posts? I'm an overweight girl. My weight is something I have struggled with my whole life. Just today I stood in a Target dressing room in almost tears b/c I saw my relfection in the mirrors and realized that I have to wear a wedding dress in two months...at my heaviest weight ever. I have a sister that is my same height (5'4") and is a size 2. I have another sister that is 5"10" and is of average weight...Frankly, I think both my sisters are knockouts (I'm biased though lol) and I've always felt a little "plain" next to them. How would it look if I didn't ask my sisters to stand up w/ me on my wedding day because they're skinnier and prettier and might make me look fatter? That's pretty dang shallow!
I don't think she would say she wanted to be a bridesmaid if she was not willing to wear a bridesmaid's dress. Unless the dress you've chosen is something really out there, I think she has a pretty good idea of what she'll be wearing.
I'm sorry but not having someone in a wedding party b/c she doesn't look good in some dress you've picked out in horrible. It is a big idea and if you don't want to budge, it's well within your right not to include her, but her looks/weight/style shouldn't be the deciding factor.
Well, can you compromise? Have 2 flower girls and tell your friend that you need her to be in the front row to watch her daughter? One is pretty young to be a flower girl. Even two is pretty young. This way you can "plan" to have the daughter walk the aisle, but if she falls through, you'll still have your niece.
Honestly when you first put this up I thought that you were not serious about the weight thing. I was wrong.
Okay I have 3 sisters and I can guarantee that if you included 3 of 4 even though you are friends with all of us I would be offended for my sister. That is just the way that my family works. Also if I heard that it had even crossed your mind not to invite one of my sisters because of the way she looks then I would refuse to be in your wedding on principle.
The whole situation just sounds petty and shallow. You don't choose bridesmaids based on who will look prettiest in a dress or who would be supportive of your style. I think you should pick people to stand up beside you because they are important in your life. As a bridesmaid many times over (7!), I know some brides who get so caught up in having the exact look for their wedding that they pushed all of their friends away. I can promise you that your wedding is NOT the biggest thing going on in your friends life. They will be happy for you and hopefully very supportive but they have lives too. My advice pick your bridesmaids then pick the dress.
And finally what would it hurt to have two flower girls?
I think you need to delete your part about asking if it's okay to exclude someone because they are overweight. Seriously Get a life.
I'm appalled that you would ask if it's okay to exclude someone because they are overweight. The answer is NO!!!!!
I hope that is not representative of who you are and it's just a function of the wedding planning bridezilla coming out.
What is this wedding about? Where are your priorities? What kind of friend are you and where is your loyalty and love for your friends? I would be beyond furious if I knew I was excluded from a bridal party of a close friend because I didn't into the brides picture perfect idea of what the bridal party should look like. And she would no longer be a friend of mine.
@laural - I have three sisters too! And I agree with you completetly on how it would go over if one was excluded but all were good friends, especially if anyone found out the reason.
I would let all of them stand for me if they we all my good friends. Just mho I would be really hurt if i couldn't stand in a wedding due to my weight. As far as the dress things go, would you be open to having the ladies were the same color dress but maybe in different styles? Of course with your approval of the dress!
Well I do agree that her weight shouldn't be an issue. that could really hurt her feelings. You said to "calm down ppl the weight CLEARLY isn't a big issue...if it was i wouldn't even consider her." I just have an issue with that because the last thing you asked in your first post was if it was oK to exclude her because of her weight. So it seems pretty clear to me that it is a big deal.
You didn't mention how small you wanted your bridal party. And who would you have to exclude if you had all the sisters? If you're looking at three sisters, another friend, and a college friend I would probably have either have all five, or just the (non sister) friend, and/or college friend. And it sounds like you feel the college friend will be the most helpful. So I might make her MOH.
The flower girl thing is totally your call. Jsut tell your friend that it is important to you to ask your own family to be flower girl.
I say choose all 3 sisters or choose none... that way no one's feelings are hurt.
I think the sisters almost have to be a package deal in order to keep the peace. I'm not equally close to all of my BMs and one of them is my FI's friend - I hardly know her at all. BUT i'm including her in everything we do and want her to be a part.
As far as the weight is concerned - I am keeping my BMs body types and preferences in mind when I select dresses - not the other way around.
"I am keeping my BMs body types and preferences in mind when I select dresses - not the other way around."
@Querida: Nicely put!
First of all, I think you have plenty of time to make a decision. You said you're getting married Fall of 2010, so you have about a year. You can definitely wait a few months and see what happens with this friend. I know my FI and I have already made the mistake of asking a friend really early and now he is currently not speaking to us and it doesn't look like he will be anytime soon. If you already feel like you are growing apart from this person, I would advise waiting a little bit before asking her to see what happens with the friendship.
However, I do agree with the other posters on the fact that it wouldn't be right to invite her other sisters to be BMs and not her. Especially if she feels like you guys are best friends - she obviously views your friendship a lot differently than you seem to.
And on the weight issue, I'm sorry but that is absolutely not okay. I understand that you weren't talking about her weight specifically and more about the fact that you don't think she would be comfortable in the dress you have picked, but that is no reason to exclude someone from your wedding party, especially someone who views you as their best friend! Not all of your BMs have to wear the same dress, and who knows - she may be fine with the dress you have picked out. You definitely cannot exclude her from this simply because she wouldn't look good in the dress you have picked. Not okay.
I understand that you have an idea in your head of how everything will look for your wedding, but you need to let some things go. If your potential bridesmaid won't feel comfortable in the dess, allow her to wear a slightly different one. Maybe one with straps, or slightly longer than the other BM's.
I am having 6 girls in my wedding party, none of which have similar body types. I am not having them wear the same dress because I know that it would be really hard to find one that looks good on all of them and most importantly, one that THEY FEEL PRETTY IN. I dont think that the way they are dressed matters, it matters that you're standing up there with the people who would go to war for you. I am asking my girls to go out and find themselves a dress that they love, that they will wear again, and just asking them to keep within a general color palette. Thay way, they're happy, I'm happy, everyone wins. They don't need to look like cookie cutters.
Would you consider changing the dress to work around the girl? Or consider just having hers slightly modified? Or having different dresses for each but in the same color?
I think you have an issue with the way she'd look in the dress you've chosen because she's overweight or just doesn't have the ideal body type. This is wrong on so many levels.. She's already said she wants to be a bridesmaid, and like someone above said, I'm sure she knows what may come with the territory (i.e. having you pick out the dresses they wear), now, if she was already telling you "oh no, I don't want to wear that.." I could see why you'd be having these thoughts, but it doesn't sound like she has, it sounds like you're assuming she's not going to be ok with your dress selection.
As far as the sister issue, I think they'd all be pretty offended if you didn't include her, so either have them all in, or none at all. I've got three sisters and i know we'd ALL feel the same way if this was us.
Also, I know it's our wedding day and what not, but I think it's also important to take people's feelings into consideration at times, you say she feels like you guys are BFF's. How do you think she'd feel if she was the only person excluded from your bridal party? Sometimes you just have to budge, my friend had to have her FI's sister in her party although she didn't really want to..
ok...i've got tons of friends, but I know my best friend is my MOH. She knows what I want and will do her best to help me get it. that's why she is the MOH. The friend i've known since i was in diapers isn't even included in the wedding. she's invited, but i don't talk to her much and we never see each other. I think that is a sufficient reason not to include her. My other friend is my BM because we are close...i just don't feel like she can anticipate my wants and needs like my MOH. And my cousin is my junior bm...i love her to death and including her kept my other friends from being offended when they weren't asked to participate. Plus, you can always have her be an honorary bm...she can hand out programs or have guests sign the guest book or given a special project. But don't let her tell you who has to be the flowergirl...it's only natural to have a family member do it. but please, don't tell her she's too fat to be in your wedding...that'll make her and her sisters mad! and you could always pick out a dress that coordinates with the one you picked that'll flatter her figure. Don't be a bridezilla...it's not becoming.
I think you can use whatever criteria you want to choose your bridal party...however, if you have known your friend longer than you have known her sisters and you ask the sisters to be in the bridal party and not her...SHE may conclude that it's b/c of weight. I don't know that her sisters would be comfortable with that.
As far as her being overweight is concerned. I was the biggest bridesmaid at one of my close friends wedding. She CHANGED her dress b/c I was not comfortable in the original dress that she chose. She wanted me in her wedding b/c she knew that I have always been supportive and would be there unselfishly for her during planning and on her big day (even though we live a little over 3 hours apart). If you really want her to be there for you....weight shouldn't matter.
if you are asking if its okay to exclude someone in your wedding because your are not close to them anymore - the answer is simple. YES. Your bridal party should be people you are close to you that you want to stand up beside you and help you during the process. the ONLY reason you would stray from this is possibly if they are family (i.e. Sisters, or FSIL) then family trumps friends.
and as for the overweight comment - im thinking you are looking for reasons to not include her. just stick with your gut, and exclude her, no need to bring her weight into the issue.
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ok, i'm planning for a fall wedding in 2010. i'm in the early stages and i'm having trouble choosing members for my party(while my fiance had no trouble whatsoever!) i have 4 childhood friends, 3 0f which are sisters. 1 of the sisters insists that she is MY BEST FRIEND cuz we knew each other first, but i'm actually closer w/ her younger sis. and this may sound rude, but in all honesty the dress that i want for my bms may not work for her body type. my friend from college is someone who i talk to constantly and i know will understand my vision and will be the most helpful. i don't want a big party, but i also don't want to exclude one friend but include her younger sisters, especially when she feels that she is my best friend. while we have known each other since the 1st grade, we don't have much in common and we don't spend a lot of time together. and the kicker is she insists that her 1 yr old daughter be my flower girl(i have a niece whom i would prefer) BASICALLY my question is this, is it ok to exclude someone even though you have known them for a long time but don't have the same connection anymore? and if you don't exclude them for that reason, is it ok to exclude someone b/c they are overweight?