Post # 1
As SO and I are starting back at square one (initially we had agreed equal # of guests before the budget got so.. bleh) so now we’re thinking we need to reduce our numbers… Here is the situation, I could use some honest feedback.
In terms of friends, we each have about 20, give or take.
In terms of family
FI has 30 aunts and uncles and first cousins who will be invited, but his list (made by FMIL) currently has 60 others which include his parents cousins and their kids, and parents friends.
I think only about 15 of those cousins and kids and friends were invited to the e-party.
My family consists of about 70 of my aunts/uncles/first cousins (mine are older than his) and their kids who are part of our bridal party (flower girls/ring boy, etc.)
My parents obviously have cousins as well, but have kept in mind our budget and have not invited any (well, no my dad would like to invite ONE but only because we want to invite my great aunt and she needs an escort/help)
My dad also only has one friend in the world who he has not even asked to invite because of our budget… the budget which he gave us as he is paying.
Now, I am of the opinion that if the cuts should come by closeness.. as in ppl we are less close to first, not equal #s on each side (if it is equal on each side, this means that if we only cut say 20 ppl each, my parents will be cutting siblings so that his parents can have cousins there… which just isn’t right) I am also a lot closer to my side than he is with those cousins of his parents (he sees them only at weddings and doesn’t know half their names, where I see mine at least once every couple months and keep up on fb/phone, etc)
Is it wrong for me to suggest his parents cousins are the first to go? and then if we still need to make cuts we can go equally from there? I am not saying all their cousins should go, but I think it is fair to keep it to the # that they invited to the e-party, as that also included some friends… and if that is the case I think my dad should be allowed his ONE friend and my great aunt…
Is there a protocol/etiquette for this? It’s a bit of a touchy subject and given what we’re going through, I’d like to tread lightly with how I approach it. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. If I’m right, how do I explain it without being… bossy/rude/whatever?
Post # 3
No, it’s not wrong. Immediate family should always come first and if budget allows, you extend to more family. I am really pleased that he has finally come around!!
Post # 4
I think as your FMIL has established previously, no matter how polite or proper you are, shes going to freak out…
but I’d say thats correct, since the list is already unbalanced, start with his side, and start with the most distant relatives.
Post # 5
@mayflowerbride13: I don’t think you are wrong. I hate the idea of cutting close friends in favor of family members you are not really close with.
Post # 6
@WillyNilly: Well he agrees we need to make cuts, I have yet to bring this up because I know this will be a difficult “sell”… it is a touchy situation because he was raised that they are family too… I think that if I remind him we need to make cuts, that it means either cutting all our friends or me needing to cut my aunts/uncles for him to have his parents cousins he doesn’t know (he loevs most my aunts/uncles.. maybe that will do the trick?)
I know he’ll come around, but he is stubborn so wording is KEY.
Maybe I’ll add a poll!
Post # 7
I really think it should come down to closeness of the family members, and not ‘just because’. I guess what I mean is that the people who are invited should be the ones with whom you actually have a relationship and see regularly, and not just everyone related by blood (all cousins). If most people did that, guest lists would explode, especially where large sized families are involved.
I’ve been the only first cousin invited out of 20+ and no one was offended, and I’ve invited just the first cousins I always spend time with and not all of them too.
If the cousin issue is making it completely uneven in terms of numbers, try your list with just all the must have people and see where your numbers are. Then add in the cousins who are close to all of you, and decide on a case by case basis.
Post # 8
Honestly 9 months ago I could have written this post WORD FOR WORD. It’s kinda scary! haha but anyways.. here is my advise to you:
We were in the exact same situation with my side being larger with immediate family and his side inviting the cousins of the parents. It is TOO hard and TOO unfair to say you each get an even amount. Start first and say ok we each are inviting all our aunts and uncles. If you are ok with those numbers then say ok lets each invite our cousins….etc etc. This was the way we should have done it.
You’ll obviously need to have some exceptions to this role like your great aunt. Hope this helps!
Take it from someone who SHOULD have cut their list! CUT IT before it gets out of control haha
Post # 9
Given your situation, I think it’s a good idea to cut some from both sides. You don’t have to cut equally, but you should at least do a few token cuts so it doesn’t look like you’re just targeting his family. That being said, all the people he doesn’t know should be gone right away. Then for more cuts, it’s okay to cut those you’re not close to (a lot of couples use the rule that the person gets cut if they haven’t spoken to them in X years), but try to make sure you are both cutting some people.
Another idea would be to start from scratch on the guest list and write down the people that each of you personally thinks should be invited. After that, depending on what the total number is, you can can give parents a certain small number of people to invite.
Post # 10
@nycsa: Please please remember that this is YOUR day. Make sure that your close friends are much higher in the invite list than random family who you don’t even know. And since your dad is paying for it, maybe it would be nice to invite his one friend!!
Post # 11
@mayflowerbride13: Please please remember that this is YOUR day. Make sure that your close friends are much higher in the invite list than random family who you don’t even know. And since your dad is paying for it, maybe it would be nice to invite his one friend!!
Post # 12
YOU can control this one!! Here’s what you do, when you mail invites, cut people as you feel is necessary, based on closeness and groups; then, if she asks, say “I’m sorry FMIL, FI didn’t really know your great aunt’s brother’s cousin, so they had to go; however, if you would like to host them for $X, write FI a check, and I’ll send an invite”. however, I wouldn’t give her an indication that I cut anyone; she is so focused on being difficult that she may not notice until after the wedding. This is YOU and FI party, and you ultimately control the guest list.
Post # 13
Can you give them a number of guests and let them decide?
Post # 14
Can you invite great aunt with a guest – then she can choose the cousin to escort her so that technically you are not inviting the cousin?
Not a help with the overall problem, but just a way of dealing with that particular issue.
Post # 15
I voted other. I would figure out how many people you can afford divide up the guest list 40/40/20 or something like that. Your family gets 40%, his family gets 40%, and you and your FI get 20% for friends. And then if you don’t end up using all of your 40 then you can adjust accordingly and give your FI’s family a few more spots. Good luck!
Post # 16
I think you are totally right here… this is something to stay firm about.