Chore challenges

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You just have to ask yourself if this is a hill you want to die on by bringing up the issue that he’s not doing his fair share, in your opinion. If it was me, I’d suck it up and just do this dishes, but that’s just me. I can understand why you’re frustrated though. Maybe bring it up at a time when the dishes are not sitting in the sink just so he doesn’t feel like you’re nagging him?  

How does he respond to you’re requests to do other things you ask of him?  Also, did you guys live together before your marriage?  If not, this is totally normal growing pains. It took us a while to sort housework when I first moved in (a year before we got married). 

Husband and I have been married just over a year. We have a housekeeper for the big stuff. I buy all our food and pay the electric bill. I also do all the laundry and light housework between cleaning visits. He pays our other bills. He will occasionally do a load of his laundry if he needs something. As far as cooking/dishes, we split cooking fairly evenly. I usually end up doing all the dishes though but I am a total neurotic nut about them. We have some pots and pans that can’t be put into the dishwasher and our cast iron stuff needs special cleaning to avoid ruining it. While he’s more than capable, I tell him not to bother since I’d rather know it is done right. 

Post # 5
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I would talk to him about how you’re feeling. It sounds like he just has different expectations than you do. Let him know that you appreciate all he contributes but it’s hard for you to cook when things are dirty.

I really don’t think it has anything to do with how much money he makes unless he’s working more hours than you and therefore has less time to spend at home. 

Post # 6
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@bombaysapphire_13:  Wow!!! Are we sisters? Your and our situations sounds exactly the same!!!

We’ve been married for 6 months.

I work full time and contribute financially (we do proportional), DH makes a lot more money so he has more financial responsibility – same as you.

I make dinners and I hate doing the dishes so I have been telling my DH to be responsible for the dishes when I cook. BUT, dishes end up piled up because he just doesn’t do it immediately as I like and I sometimes end up doing it just so we have some clean space and dishes before meals – same as you!

He takes out the trash – same as you.

I do the cleaning and laundry for both of us on the weekend.

I am getting tired of this. Now if he didn’t make such a mess everyspace he goes in the apartment or everytime he eats, I could suck it up further but he does make a mess and it drives me crazy.

Post # 7
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@bombaysapphire_13:  Our house was a pig stye for a while after our wedding and honeymoon  with clothes everywhere, gifts strewn about, wedding crap everywhere, etc. I got the flu that kept me sick for a good 10 days the night we got home from our honeymoon so it stayed that way for much longer than I would have liked. I totally get where you’re coming from about the messy house. It was also much more cluttered a good solid 6 weeks before the wedding too. My OCD-like neat freak was super annoyed by this as well. 

Men seem to have an incredibly high tolerance for the length of time dishes can chill in the sink. That’s another reason why I usually do the dishes. I hate having anything sit in the sink. 

Maybe give it a bit more time. Maybe clean up all your stuff and see if that prompts him to clean up his stuff once he sees that the mess is all his?  Wait a little while before bringing up the dishes once you get settled again and the house in order. Maybe the dishes in the sink won’t bother you so much once everything else is a little neater. 

My neurotic clean freak sympathizes with your plight though. Wink

Post # 11
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@bombaysapphire_13:  

I am not a neat freak either. I mean my mother thinks I’m pretty messy and lazy regarding housekeeping, which I agree also. But 2 messy people in one house is pretty bad so I try to keep up with housekeeping…

We do hire a cleaning lady once a month but house gets messy quickly… sigh…

Post # 12
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’ve been married seven months. I do all of the chores — I cook, I clean, I sweep and mop, I vacuum, dust, do grocery shopping, schedule maintenance on the house, repair the house, tend to the cars (when I can).

My husband deploys. He is gone 99% of the time. He will be home for a week out of every month if I am lucky.

The fact of the matter is, you need to lay it down on the table and be very clear about what you expect and what you want. I don’t have the luxury of splitting chores, so I cannot do that, but if you are feeling overwhelmed, you need to address it in a calm headed manner. A marriage is about compromise, and if you are both open with what you want one another to do, you’re on the right track.

Post # 13
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

It’s so funny how there is kind of a double standard between men and women because I make twice as much as DH and he would never think to do more chores because of it! Lol. I buy groceries and cook (sometimes) and I clean the kitchen (scrub counters, floors, wash dishes etc) while he cleans the bathroom. He takes out the garbage and puts the dishes from the dish rack away. We both clean the common living space. It takes my DH DAYS to put the dishes away from the dish rack. But I don’t say anything, I just don’t clean any more dishes until thrare is space. Eventually he gets the hint! As you seem to be realizing, maybe this isn’t a battle you want to pick with your spouse, which is fine ( things def do go through a messy transition while trying all put all the wedding junk away) but if you decide to talk to him about it just  remember to be calm. I find conversations about this kind of stuff goes best with my DH when I just tell him in a relaxed way that it really makes me feel loved when he puts the dishes in the rack away because I know he was thinking about our relationship and how we are a team. Oh and if does make an effort, praise him! Men love to know when the do a good job, not just when the screw up! 🙂

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