Post # 1
So, we’ve been married one month and things are going well. Just wondering, though, how you Bees get your husbands to do more housework around the house?
The way our chores are divvied up currently – I do the groceries (weekly), make meals 2-3 times per week, write out the checks for the bills. We each do our own laundry.
DH is responsible for taking out the trash and doing dishes after I make the meals.
When I make a meal, DH is supposed to clean up afterwards, but a lot of the time, he lets the dishes sit in the sink. Our sink (and surrounding counterspace) is so limited, that I often end up cleaning the dishes just so I can have more space to cook.
I get a little bit resentful because I feel like I’m doing more than my own fair share of chores.
Any Bees have this problem? How did you deal with it? What’s also tricky is that he contributes 2.5 times more to our household than I do (since he makes that much more than me). Am I being too nitpicky about the dishes??
(I should add that we both work full-time, and we hire a cleaning service to come once a month.)
Post # 3
You just have to ask yourself if this is a hill you want to die on by bringing up the issue that he’s not doing his fair share, in your opinion. If it was me, I’d suck it up and just do this dishes, but that’s just me. I can understand why you’re frustrated though. Maybe bring it up at a time when the dishes are not sitting in the sink just so he doesn’t feel like you’re nagging him?
How does he respond to you’re requests to do other things you ask of him? Also, did you guys live together before your marriage? If not, this is totally normal growing pains. It took us a while to sort housework when I first moved in (a year before we got married).
Husband and I have been married just over a year. We have a housekeeper for the big stuff. I buy all our food and pay the electric bill. I also do all the laundry and light housework between cleaning visits. He pays our other bills. He will occasionally do a load of his laundry if he needs something. As far as cooking/dishes, we split cooking fairly evenly. I usually end up doing all the dishes though but I am a total neurotic nut about them. We have some pots and pans that can’t be put into the dishwasher and our cast iron stuff needs special cleaning to avoid ruining it. While he’s more than capable, I tell him not to bother since I’d rather know it is done right.
Post # 4
@MrsPaulsBabyBallerina: Well, when I think about it, I guess some things he does more of than I do. For example, when we go anywhere, he always drives. Now that we’ve started looking for a house, he’s handling all the dealings with the realtors. (We’re also thinking about having a baby, so I’m handling all the research on that front.)
We did live together for a year before getting married. It’s actually been pretty smooth in the past. I think I’m just feeling it because things started getting really messy around teh house around our wedding time.
I think I’m just super irritated with our house being so messy post-wedding. It’s not only his stuff — it’s also mine, clothes everywhere, wedding things strewn about, random wedding items we haven’t found a home for yet. On top of that, I feel like there’s no space to cook.
Hmm…as I reflect on this, I do feel like I’m feeling a bit of irritation at how long he can comfortably leave dishes in the sink (ew!), but also at our messy house — which is not only his mess. In fact, there are more of my things strewn about.
It has only been 10 days since our wedding reception, so maybe it’s too soon to expect things to be all tidied up…
Post # 5
I would talk to him about how you’re feeling. It sounds like he just has different expectations than you do. Let him know that you appreciate all he contributes but it’s hard for you to cook when things are dirty.
I really don’t think it has anything to do with how much money he makes unless he’s working more hours than you and therefore has less time to spend at home.
Post # 6
@bombaysapphire_13: Wow!!! Are we sisters? Your and our situations sounds exactly the same!!!
We’ve been married for 6 months.
I work full time and contribute financially (we do proportional), DH makes a lot more money so he has more financial responsibility – same as you.
I make dinners and I hate doing the dishes so I have been telling my DH to be responsible for the dishes when I cook. BUT, dishes end up piled up because he just doesn’t do it immediately as I like and I sometimes end up doing it just so we have some clean space and dishes before meals – same as you!
He takes out the trash – same as you.
I do the cleaning and laundry for both of us on the weekend.
I am getting tired of this. Now if he didn’t make such a mess everyspace he goes in the apartment or everytime he eats, I could suck it up further but he does make a mess and it drives me crazy.
Post # 7
@bombaysapphire_13: Our house was a pig stye for a while after our wedding and honeymoon with clothes everywhere, gifts strewn about, wedding crap everywhere, etc. I got the flu that kept me sick for a good 10 days the night we got home from our honeymoon so it stayed that way for much longer than I would have liked. I totally get where you’re coming from about the messy house. It was also much more cluttered a good solid 6 weeks before the wedding too. My OCD-like neat freak was super annoyed by this as well.
Men seem to have an incredibly high tolerance for the length of time dishes can chill in the sink. That’s another reason why I usually do the dishes. I hate having anything sit in the sink.
Maybe give it a bit more time. Maybe clean up all your stuff and see if that prompts him to clean up his stuff once he sees that the mess is all his? Wait a little while before bringing up the dishes once you get settled again and the house in order. Maybe the dishes in the sink won’t bother you so much once everything else is a little neater.
My neurotic clean freak sympathizes with your plight though.
Post # 8
@AlwaysSunny: Thanks — a good suggestion. I’m trying hard not to fall into the “nagging wife” role. I really do appreciate all he does!
Post # 9
@gramgeek: Sigh, yes. I hear you — I’m no neat freak, but DH doesn’t put anything away when he first uses/eats it. If he makes something to eat, all the ingrediets will be out on the countertop for hours. Dishes remain piled up in the sink for a day or two.
For some reason, I’m more particular about things being neat in the kitchen — maybe because that’s where I cook (and eat) and filthiness in the kitchen is pretty gross.
Post # 10
@MrsPaulsBabyBallerina: The good news is that the cleaning crew is supposed to come this Wed. Boy, are they in for a treat! 😉
Yes, I think I will wait for a bit and just try to clean things up a little more/get organized/settled. We still have one more little wedding-related event to go + we’re both back to working full-time. Things just seem so hectic, and I don’t feel like I got a break post-wedding to really decompress, organize, clean and put stuff away.
In fact, right now, I’m staring at my purse that’s still sitting on our couch from our reception on July 12. Sigh. It takes a while to get the house back in order!
Post # 11
I am not a neat freak either. I mean my mother thinks I’m pretty messy and lazy regarding housekeeping, which I agree also. But 2 messy people in one house is pretty bad so I try to keep up with housekeeping…
We do hire a cleaning lady once a month but house gets messy quickly… sigh…
Post # 12
I’ve been married seven months. I do all of the chores — I cook, I clean, I sweep and mop, I vacuum, dust, do grocery shopping, schedule maintenance on the house, repair the house, tend to the cars (when I can).
My husband deploys. He is gone 99% of the time. He will be home for a week out of every month if I am lucky.
The fact of the matter is, you need to lay it down on the table and be very clear about what you expect and what you want. I don’t have the luxury of splitting chores, so I cannot do that, but if you are feeling overwhelmed, you need to address it in a calm headed manner. A marriage is about compromise, and if you are both open with what you want one another to do, you’re on the right track.
Post # 13
It’s so funny how there is kind of a double standard between men and women because I make twice as much as DH and he would never think to do more chores because of it! Lol. I buy groceries and cook (sometimes) and I clean the kitchen (scrub counters, floors, wash dishes etc) while he cleans the bathroom. He takes out the garbage and puts the dishes from the dish rack away. We both clean the common living space. It takes my DH DAYS to put the dishes away from the dish rack. But I don’t say anything, I just don’t clean any more dishes until thrare is space. Eventually he gets the hint! As you seem to be realizing, maybe this isn’t a battle you want to pick with your spouse, which is fine ( things def do go through a messy transition while trying all put all the wedding junk away) but if you decide to talk to him about it just remember to be calm. I find conversations about this kind of stuff goes best with my DH when I just tell him in a relaxed way that it really makes me feel loved when he puts the dishes in the rack away because I know he was thinking about our relationship and how we are a team. Oh and if does make an effort, praise him! Men love to know when the do a good job, not just when the screw up! 🙂
Post # 14
@gramgeek: I think we are sisters! My mom thinks I’m also really messy and lazy with the housekeeping. Or in her words, as she said to me once in my 20s, “even animals are cleaner than you.” :0
Post # 15
Ooooo, good tip! You’ve got this communication thing down. 🙂
Post # 16
@SeaTurtle88: Oooooo, good tip! You’ve got this communication thing down!