Christian Advice about MIL please

posted 3 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
Member
4395 posts
Honey bee

Not Christian but I just wanted to give you some virtual support. It sounds like a really tough situation. 

Post # 5
Member
822 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@engleman10513:  That is so tough!  Why are you and your FI not talking now?  I understand there was a fight, but what is he saying?  It sounds like you really need his support with the wedding stress from his Mom. The two of you need to agree on what the plan is and just tell his Mom that’s the way it’s going to be.  The RSVPs would really make me angry too.  That was one of my big stresses and it sounds like it is for everyone else.  There’s really only so much you can do.  If people don’t RSVP, how are you supposed to count them?

As far as his parents comments to other people, I’m not sure how you held it together.  I have had to bite my tongue in similar situations before and it’s so hard!!  Once or twice maybe you can put up with it, but for the rest of your life?  I think at some point you’re just going to have to tell them how you feel.  It’s really tough from a Christian perspective especially for someone who is raised in a house where you’re supposed to respect your parents and elders.  But then I have to think about what God would really want me to do if someone was being mean or disrespecting others & I feel that I’m supposed to stand up for them.  Are your FI’s parents Christian as well? I have a hard time with my Dad.  He’s really old fashioned and makes really bad derogatory comments.  I tell him how much it bothers me all the time but he thinks he’s so funny!  The day after my wedding, he said something offensive & I asked him to stop using “that word”.  He finally told me that I was right and said that he thinks I’m much better at accepting people for who they are than he’s ever been.  He also said that he’s going to work on it.

He’s 70 and I’m 35.  It took a really long time to even get to that point, but I just kept saying it calmly.  I think that’s the best thing to do if you can.  Just tell them calmly that you don’t think it’s nice to say those things or act that way to other people.  If you wait too long, you might just blow up at them next time.  Do you think you’ll have any problems with them acting out at the wedding?  How does your fiance feel about their behavior?

I’m sorry if I didn’t give you a ton of advice, but I wanted to let you know I understand and I really hope it gets better for you!  Just keep praying about it and I will say a prayer for you too!  You sound like a really nice person who doesn’t need to deal with all of this leading up to your wedding!

Oh, and also, if it’s just a text, go ahead and scream!!  She’s not there, let it out :).  And I’d also just ignore her now & then or tell her your busy or working.  If she wants to be that involved, she’ll have to pay for it.  Also, how involved are your parents?  Are they paying?  Does she have any contact with your parents?  I can see myself asking my Mom to help me out a little bit and take some of that stress.  Just an idea if that’s an option for you.  I know it’s hard to throw that on someone else, but I know my Mom would want to help if she knew I was dealing with that.  Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2000

Consider seeking your pastor’s guidance for this….I’m sure this is something he is familiar with. Sending prayers

Post # 7
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If they are not contributing to the wedding in a positive light, just stop replying to wedding text messages. Just stop. Your FI has already spoken to them about it and if she says anything just say “I thought you understood that FI asked you to take a step back from the wedding.”

I don’t really know what to do about the intolerance, if I had the guts I would say something like “Some thoughts are best kept in your head” or “Didn’t your mother even tell you that: if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all?” But I’m not sure that I’d be able to do that. 

Post # 8
Member
2665 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Step one: Stop telling her things.

Step two: If she implies guilt/judement/cririsism etc.  say ” Thank you for your imput we will consider it”.  Learn it. love it.

 

 

Why are you and FI not talking??

Post # 9
Member
932 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am a Christian as well and his parents are not modeling Christ.  I think the first issue is that becuse they are you FI parents he is use to the manipulation and behavior and obvisouly doesnt like it that’ is why he moved away.  One of the things you and your future hubby will have to do is have a discussion regarding the fact that his parents consistently say hurtful things to you and you wiht both need to agree on boundries and your future hubby will need to put a hedge of protection around you from his parents.  Recognize they have obviously been that way and may or may not change, the key is for you guys to protect your union.

As it relates to your mother in law, is she paying for the wedding or a portion or contributing in some way?  If not you are not obligated to iinstitute her ideas.  You are definitely being fine tuned in the area of patience and long suffering.  

Setting Boundries early on is the key.  Also with someone like your mother in law you should have a point person the day of the wedding who can run interferance with your mohter in law so you won’t be unncessarily stressed out. 

Seriously thous, talk with you future hubby, he has a responsibiity in the covenant he is making with you to protect you and that includes protecting you from his parents.

Praying your strength.

Post # 10
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@engleman10513:  For pity’s sake, Sweetie stand up for yourself. God doesn’t require you to be a doormat. Learn the following phrases:

“I’m afraid that wont be possible” and “No.”

Stop allowing her to push you around because you’re afraid of her anger. She’s being pushy and unreasonable. Be polite, be respectful and be firm. When she sends you a text suggesting or demanding something just reply with, “We’ve decided to do X.” If she gets angry, that’s too bad but it’s also not your fault or responsibility.

Frankly, these people, particularly your FFIL, sound repulsive. I wouldn’t be doing a lot of socializing with a person who amuses himself by demeaning the weakest and vulnerable among us. Please don’t tell me these people think they’re Christians.

Post # 11
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@engleman10513:  Geez, what a tough situation. I am a Christian, so here goes my advice:

The Bible is explicit, and very early on, that when you get married, you leave your parents and become a new unit with your spouse. It more specifically says the “Man will leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife.” “Cleave to” is a pretty darned strong term! So, whatever is happening with your to-be in laws, he needs to be with YOU on it, 100%.  

My dad’s mom was, quite frankly, was a total bitch to my mother for the vast majority of my parents’ marriage (she only changed about three years ago, after my parents’ had been married 30 years and raised four kids into adulthood).  And while my dad never sided with my Granny, he never stopped her or told her off either, and that put my mom through hell on a lot of occasions, and really made her miserable many, many times.  The only saving grace was that she lived over a thousand miles away for most of their marriage, but I have seen how badly this can go if the man is not willing to stand by his wife.

Your in laws clearly are not displaying Christ-like behaviour; not with the way they treat the world in general, and not with that way they treat you. If it comes up again, you need to just flat out say “This is our wedding which we are doing on our budget, and so we will be the sole planners of it.”

If your fmil keeps sending you texts, I would ignore some of the texts, and respond with “we will consider it, thank you” to everything else.  Do not volunteer any info about the wedding to them, and change the subject asap if they bring it up.  Just make sure to be polite but firm in the fact that it is you who are in charge of planning, not them.

And you guys need to plan to live kind of far from these people. They are caustic, awful people it sounds like, and I can understand not wanting their influence on future grandkids, or your life in general.  And of course, always be praying for a change in their hearts.  I’ll be praying for you!

Post # 12
Member
2330 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My MIL isn’t the same but I understand where you are coming from as there have been some issues regarding our house and her being judgmental (we have guinea pigs so obviously the cage won’t be spotless 24/7 and we both work full time so obviously the house won’t be spotless 24/7) as her levels of acceptable cleanliness are much higher than normal!

Anyway, so I was fretting about this for a long time until I realised….the only people who should make me feel bad about this are myself, my DH and God (although obviously God doesn’t make you feel bad but you know what I mean!) If I think my house is looking dirty, or my DH does then we will clean it – and we are fairly tidy people so it isn’t like we constantly live in a dirty house – but I won’t be made to feel bad about our house by other people.

So I guess in your situation, if you are happy, FI is happy and God is happy with your plans then, the thoughts and opinions of others may be important and valid but, at the end of the day the decision is ultimately yours and your fiancé’s. He needs to support you 100% – leaving and cleaving…I know it doesn’t technically happen till after marriage but in some areas it should do.

 

praying for you.

Post # 13
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

 I agree with the bee above, you don’t need to let her walk all over you.  You don’t need to yell or scream but you’re not doing anything wrong if you calmly tell her you appreciate her advice, but have decided to go a different route for your wedding.  If she decides to be immature and throw a fit, that’s on her – not you.  Ignore her texts and be plainly civil in person.  Your wedding is supposed to be a happy day for you as a couple and you don’t deserve the emotional abuse.   

Post # 14
Member
1878 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN

Sending prayers your way. 

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