@TxAggie15: I think you are my Weddingbee twin…you just described what I am constantly dealing with.
Good news though, because God has been revealing to me that my fears are based on lies. And I am overcoming the fear and anxiety through His grace.
Here is the truth:
God chose to love you, to create, and adopt you. None of us have ever earned God’s love, that’s why it’s called grace. And He is a GOOD Father. Understanding that He is good, will be one of the keys to you letting go of your fears and anxieties. It was for me. I think we tend to hear that God is good so much that we take the phrase for granted without truly focusing on what that means. God isn’t a formal Father figure who lays down rules and stands with fists clenched, arms folded, and eyes glaring as we constantly fail. God is our Abba, our Daddy…the kind of dad that takes up his newborn child and knows at once that no matter how many times this child fails, He will always love and give His life for that child. And you know, He did just that.
God’s love is a perfect love, something that we don’t have the capacity to fully understand. We tend to think of love from a human perspective…that love can be lost, that we can ruin love, that love has to be earned and maintained. That’s not the kind of love God has for you. You didn’t earn it, and so you can’t un-earn it. You’re struggling with these issues, because His perfect love is really hard to understand. So in our misunderstanding of His love, we make a lot of wrong assumptions and allow lies to replace truth in our minds. The only way to understand God’s love is to accept it on faith. There’s nothing else like it, nothing else to compare it to, and no way to analyze it (just a hunch, but I bet you over think things a lot, like me 🙂 )
If you want to know the truth of God’s love, read 1 Corinthians 13. Every word of that is what God has for you.
We are sinners, God knows you are going to fail. But, He’s not in Heaven waiting for you to fail, He’s by your side and in your heart smiling, arms outstretch, to help you up every time you fall. Every. Single. Time. How many times did Christ say to forgive someone? Seventy times seven…essentially saying every time; forgive them every time and never stop. God asks this of us, because this is how He forgives us. If you are saved, you are covered by God’s grace and He will never let you go (ok, so we could get into some deep theology with that, but no matter if you are Calvinist, Armenian, or in between, by virtue of your desires, both camps would tell you that you have not lost salvation).
Truly, as sinners, we cannot change ourselves. We can hardly even muster the desire to do what is right. Every time I backslide, it’s because I’ve stopped investing in my relationship with God through prayer and scripture. If you want freedom from this, those are 2 essential steps, because it is only through the choice of obedience that the desire to grow in Christ is allowed to take root and grow. The rest involves recognizing the lies that Satan and the demonic are perpetuating in your head. The only thing that makes these lies believable, is that you choose to believe them. You can also choose to reject them and to believe the real truth…which is written for us in God’s word.
Feel free to message me if you’d like to talk more about this. I truly know what a burden you are carrying and how hard it is to reject those deeply in-grained lies. And I just prayed for you, that God would help you understand the truth and that you’d receive freedom from all of this. God bless 🙂