christian advice please… absent dad is not doing well

posted 2 years ago in Christian
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  • Post # 2
    7039 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I would do the 6 hour road trip, with baby, if at all possible. There is no way I would be away from my baby for 36 hours when I was breastfeeding. But I think the road trip is doable, especially with your husband, and she will sleep a lot of the time. You could then leave baby with your husband while you visit you dad, or keep baby close to you while you visit for a short time. (Stay in a hotel, not with your dad).

    The fact that you also get to visit your other daughter give extra incentive to take the trip, in my opinion.

    But if you can’t, don’t feel guilty. Your top priority is your newborn daughter, and that comes ahead of a last visit to your dad.

    p.s. I’m assuming your husband can come. He should be able to make it a priority to find 1 or 2 days to do the trip.

    Post # 4
    5 posts

    I had a very similar childhood to you with my own father. People often think they are prepared when a loved one has been sick but often afterwards you realize you cant really prepare for the different types of emotions after that. I agree with the previous poster you should bring your baby if it’s possible and make the trip. 

    Post # 5
    2429 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Is it possible for your husband to go along with you? Since you are Christian, pray for guidance about the best path to take — but I think you’re leaning towards needing to see him one last time to be at peace.

    As others have said, however, your daughter is the most important person to take care of in this situation. If you cannot travel without her (or without help from your husband or a friend willing to make the drive with you), you could write him a letter and ask your sibling to deliver it for you. Next best thing to actually being present. 

    Post # 6
    1878 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN

    I agree. Pray about it. Find a way for your husband to go with possibly? 

    Post # 7
    435 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2010

    Mrslovebug:  I’m a Christian and also EBFing my daughter. My parents were not users, but there was abuse in my childhood and it wasn’t until 4 years ago that I had the same revelation as you. I learned to forgive my parents, and while I still keep my distance (for my baby more than anything) I would definitely make the trip if I were you. I went on a road trip when my daughter was 3 months old and it was 24 straight hours (we stopped every 3 hours to feed her)… she was fine and mostly slept the whole time. I wouldn’t worry too much about the drive, and I think it would really speak to your father if you made the trip. Tell him about Jesus… let him see the change in you… love him unconditionally. Because, at the end of the day- our babies aside, our “comfort zone” aside… we should strive to be a light on the hill. & if there is a possibility that he comes to Christ before he passes; it was well worth the trouble.

    Post # 9
    2419 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Don’t blame your husband for his harsh but almost certainly honest comment. Especially as it was made on a morning that hadn’t gone exactly smoothly up to then. Instead, be cheered by the knowledge that you are married to a man who can admit that his reaction was inappropriate, can apologise for it and, most importantly, is prepared to work with you to make the trip possible.

    He loves you. He is never going to thank your father for how he treated you but he’s big enough to know that two wrongs don’t make a right. So go on the trip. Don’t dwell on your husband’s spontaneous outburst this morning.

    Post # 10
    382 posts
    Helper bee

    Mrslovebug:  I’m sorry that you are in such a difficult position. I think aussiemum1248

    gave really excellent advice and that is exactly what I would do were I in your situation.

    In terms of your husband speaking harshly… Given the trauma of your experience growing up with your dad, and the fact that you already said it was a bit of a rough morning, and that your husband apologized I don’t think you should worry too much about it. Some times in high stress situations people speak out of turn and in tones more harshly than they intend. It’s part of being human I guess. Since your husband is willing to go, take aussiemum’s advice and prepare to say goodbye to your father. I also think you should pray for peace about the situation and move forward as best you can. Best wishes for you and your family.

    Post # 11
    2064 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 1987

    Your husband’s immediate response was to protect you and be angry on your behalf.

    Your husband’s second response was more measured and taken after some thought – to support you in what you feel you need to do.

    This is good.  You have a husband who will protect you and take your feelings into account.

    On the topic of what you should do, if in doubt your baby needs you more than your dad.  If this trip can be arranged and you can take your baby with you and have your husband drive you and are prepared for the emotional aftermath, then do it.  But if this isn’t possible then you will have to forgive at a distance.

    What God wants you to do is be the best mother you can possibly be and not repeat the mistakes of your dad.

    Post # 12
    4827 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

    I would give you advice and comfort, but I’m not Christian so I guess I can’t help.

    Post # 13
    44 posts
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I am sorry you are going through this. I do agree with PP’s that you should go. My dad was not in my life until I was nearly 10 and we had a rocky relationship as I grew up but my grandmother told me to never hold on to the anger and to forgive him. Her father left her mom when she was only 2 years old leaving her 18 year old mother with two infants on her own. Her dad showed up one day when she was in her twenties wanting to make amends and she turned him away. A couple months later she found out she was pregnant with my mother and so she decided to try to get a hold of her dad and try to build a relationship but it was too late. The reason he came to her was because he was sick and was going to pass and he had just passed the week before. She made me promise that no matter how angry I am or hurt that I need to love him because he needs it and because one day he could go and I would have guilt of not saying goodbye on better terms. I know it is hard to do but I think it would be good for you. Your husband sounds like a good man who is looking out for you. You are in my prayers and I pray you have guidance during this tough time. 

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