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Although our pre-cana work is required (we're getting married in the Catholic church), I find that the counseling is really enlightening. If you think you don't have anything else to learn about your FI, life is going to be pretty boring from here on out. I think you should always be learning about each other. My FI and I have lived together for almost two years, so yeah, we have the day-to-day worked out. But we've learned a lot. I know my FI helps calm me down when I get stressed, but I didn't quite know what I do to help him. In our sessions, I learned that my support helps him, it's just that he doesn't show stress the same way I do. We learned how we help each other and what works and to keep doing it.
I read an interesting article the other week about using counseling like a dental check up. Your relationship is healthy, but it just might need some occasional clean up. Married (Happily) With Issues. You should check it out. And, A Practical Wedding had a post about recommending everyone go through counseling.
Good luck to whatever you decide to do!
I agree with whitesonnet....I think that is always something more you could do to strenghthen your relationship and learn more about your mate. Me and my FI will be going through the counseling not because it is required but because we want to. We both think the sessions will be helpful to our relationship and our future together. But whatever you decided i'm sure it will be fine for your relationship.
I really doubt you feel your relationship can't grown anymore. Just look at it from that angle. I got WAY MORE out of our PMC than I thought I would, and we also were having another pastor (my BIL) perform the ceremony.
We met with the priest a couple times like it's required in the Catholic church and it wasn't really a counseling session as just a talking session. He then gave us a questionaire, which a lot of times the priest then goes over with you but he just told us to fill them out individually and then go over the answers. We sort of felt like you - what are we really going to learn - and I guess we didn't learn all that much but it was still a nice thing to do and did open up some conversation about a few things we had only peripherally talked about.
Thanks for all the advice. I'm still up in the air but I think we'll decide when it gets closer.
J has been one of my best friends for more than 8 years (before we started dating, that is), and when we started the counseling questions our pastor gave us, I was kind of like, "Oh, I know the answer to all of these" but I was surprised (pleasantly) but some of the really great conversations they led to. I could predict (most of) his short answers, but the longer ones, and the reasons behind some stuff I didn't previously know. Plus it helped us improve our communication because we were constantly asking follow up questions. :)
So ... I'd recommend it, because, hey, why not?
I love our premaritial counseling. It gives us a chance to set all the other planning details aside and focus on us (and God of course) and remember why we're getting married. We'er going through a great workbook that has us look things up in the bible, talk about them, and list specific examples in our relationship. It addresses things like money, children. initimacy, in-laws, roles in our marriage, etc. Plus it's a nice way for the pastor to get to know us as a couple. I have known him most of my life since he was my pastor growing up but this gives him a chance to meet my fiancee and us as a couple. And if there are any potential issues he sees then we'll talk about them with him. Wouldn't trade it for the world.
I don't know anything about Catholic premarital counseling, but FI and I recently took a voluntary "marriage prep course" that was offered through our church. It was based on The Marriage Book by Nicky and Sila Lee, and I really can't recommend it enough (or a similar course). There are a ton of strategies for everyday relationship maintenance that even the most established and bonded couple won't have thought of - there usually just isn't enough time in people's lives to care for maintaining the relationship the way you'd maintain anything else you've invested in. It's my opinion that pre-marital work, through both counseling and just reading books like the one I mentioned together, would prevent a lot of couples from going through the conflict later on that can lead to divorce.
We are not doing marriage counseling for a few reasons. One is that we home fellowship, so we don't technically have a pastor. Another is that we really don't feel comfortable discussing intimate topics (and I mean all sorts of intimate topics, not just sex-related ones) with a third party. We believe that there are some things that should just be between a husband and wife. Thirdly, we think there's a lot more to gain from having dinner with some "older" married couples who can give us their nuggets of wisdom, and their varied perspectives, rather than hearing just one viewpoint on all the topics that are covered in marriage counseling.
We are doing marriage counseling! I would def. recommend it!! We have had so many issues brought up that we thought we had undercontrol and with counseling it just gets into it a little bit deeper- which is a good thing. It can be really fun too!! I would go for it!!
Counseling was fun and just like the other bees said, you will never finishing learning things about eachother.
An annoying but true saying that I can't seem to escape
: "The more you know, the less you know"
I would recomend doing it, you can never look back with regret if you do it now.
We're doing remote marriage counseling since the priest marrying us lives in Pittsburgh and we're in NYC. He sent us some books to read and a Perspectives workbook to complete, and I have to say - I find the exercises really FUN! Sure some of the answers FI gives I could already guess and some of the topics we've already dealt with, but it gives us an opportunity to elaborate on certain areas more, share stories from our childhood and be sure as time goes by we're growing together. Our relationship is great now, and I fully intend to keep it that way for the next 50+ yrs. Any help along the way is great!
Our counseling was great (even though FI hated the idea at first) and I would highly recommend it. But there are different kinds, so it only works if you find the one suited to you and your FI. Our sessions were really not so much about discussing items in front of the Priest, but rather talking about HOW to discussing things and we had "homework" to do as far as discussion topics we needed to have at home. There are basic things that people don't do or talk about before they get married because you think you've got it all figured out. Counseling opened our eyes. What's the harm?
I agree with mtnbridenc.
We found that the classes have been beneficial even though we are a compatible couple. There are still areas where we disagree or are unsure of how we will handle something.
We weren't scolded or told not to marry, rather taught how to allow communication to flow, how to best deal with family issues, what plans we need to make financially/family planning, etc
And it has been pretty fun for us. We really like our pastor so that helps a lot.
Pre Cana is required for me (Catholic) and we're also doing counseling through the Lutheran church (FI), because honestly you can't prepare too much. But that's just the way we look at it :o)
Ours wasn't exactly required, but it was strongly recommended. Did we learn anything ground breaking new about each other? Nope. Did we end up with very personalized and honest advice from our priest? Yup. Our priest told us about he and his wife and some of the things they've been through and learned through 30 years of marriage and insight into typical marriage issues that no one wants to talk about (a la - Since men and women's hormones will develop and change at different rates through life - at some point sex will be an issue, even if its all good now etc). I'd recommend it and I'd do it again because you never know what you might learn.
... I honestly have a really hard time with NOT doing counseling. We're not officially engaged yet since he hasn't talked to my dad, but we've already started on the book Hard Questions by Susan Piven as our pre-premarital counseling. It helps you communicate better, as well as lay the groundwork for how you'll deal with certain situations. You may not react EXACTLY in real life as you would to the question "How will you do with the biggest fight in your relationship?" but it will make you stop in the middle of it and take a step back to remember how you said you would deal with it when you're being rational. I forget the actual number, but the statistics for divorce for couples who did premarital counseling were lower than those who decided they didn't need it. It couldn't hurt, at the very least, and could do wonders at the most.
Counseling is not mandatory, but it is highly recommended! How would you know whether you need it or not until you've had it? My fiance and I are on our 6/12 counseling session. The woman that does ours is a Christian and has a PhD in Marriage and Family counseling. I love it! The sessions deal with the Spiritual as well as Psycho-social aspects of marriage. I've learned so much and we've grown tremendously!
Also, remember, there is always something we simply do not know. We must always remain teachable. I do not know it all, so the decision for counseling was easy. I would like to leave a few scriptures! All the best to you!
The way of a fool [is] right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel [is] wise. Proverbs 12:15
Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end. Proverbs 19:20
The aged women likewise, that [they be] in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, [To be] discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:3-5
I agree with herecomesthesun and mtnbridenc, my FH and I are currently going through PM counseling and it has helped us to be closer to each other and to God. We were not required to do the sessions especially since neither of us are currently living in the location of our minister. But we opted to do the sessions both in person and over skype so that we don't lose sight of God in the planning process.
Good luck in your decision and congrats!
Our counseling is required, but I'm really excited for it anyway! I am so glad to have a close family friend do our counseling - long-distance, to boot! We're an LDR from start to finish (he'll be flying in a couple days before the wedding, due to Navy stuff), and I'm glad we found someone close to me, at least, who can do it for us!
We did it. We talked about some interesting stuff, but much of it we knew. We did the PREPARE test where our Pastor told us our strengths, weak areas growth areas, and where we stand on where we want our family at connection wise.
We enjoyed it, but we have an awesome pastor!
my old youth group pastor is flying in from Cali to marry us, we are doing counseling via the WWW :)
we were actually supposed to meet with him in person while he was in town over MLK weekend, but plans got fudged due to a death in the family.
he's sending over a few books he was going to give us over the weekend, i'm excited to get reading!
we just started our pre-marital counseling, so I can't say for myself, but I hear from many couples that it really is enlightening... even for those who are very communicative. I would say it doesn't hurt. :)
We are in the midst of our premarital counseling - while required by our church, it is by far the aspect of our wedding that we are MOST excited by. I would never, ever consider skipping out on the premarital counseling, because honestly, what do we have to lose? In my opinion it is invaluable (and in many places, it's free...but even if it weren't it would be an investment for us). In comparison, I just couldn't care less about the details of our wedding, reception, etc. That is only one day. The counseling is giving us real guidance and a safe place to talk about issues, even if we've discussed them before. We are best friends and are totally comfortable talking to each other about anything, but we certainly feel there is ALWAYS room to grow, no matter what we've already discussed or how well we know each other. We love the fresh perspective that it brings. Here we are focusing on what matters most - our future marriage and how we will relate to one another and the Lord in the midst of it. I've also found it to be extremely helpful in building relationships with our associate pastor and his wife. I would REALLY recommend it!
My fiance and I are going through Preparing for Life by Dennis Rainey. The book is fine, but what is great about our counseling is that it is several sessions. We are really getting a chance to get into the nitty gritty of our relationship because the sessions ask really good questions. It also gives our pastor the chance to get to know us as a couple and to be invested in our marriage. We've only gone to one session (and this blasted blizzard cancelled our second one scheduled for today) but it I can already see that counseling will be invaluable. We're already making note of subjects we want to cover with our pastor.
Yay for premarital counseling, it's making us a stronger couple!
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Did anyone decide not to go through counseling? We have the option of counseling through our church but it's not required because we aren't getting married in the church and we're having a friend perform the ceremony. I honestly don't think there is anything else to learn about each other. We know how to raise the future children, our goals in life match, who will pay the bills, how we argue and resolve issues, etc... I'm just not sure if it would be worth our time. Anyone else feel the same but regret it later?