- 6 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
Well, a lot has happened in the past few days… I can’t believe it has been such a 180. I’m about 99.9% sure that he was going to propose to me for Christmas. Maybe he still is, but I don’t want him to 🙁
It’s not that I’ve given up on us, not at all. Just, in light of recent events, I don’t know if I could accept a marriage proposal with my full heart. Not anytime soon anyway. Basically it was borderline cheating that I discovered.
Things have gotten weird and swingery-flirty between us and this other couple that we are good friends with. Totally instigated by them, we are not into that kind of stuff AT ALL. Just a really drunken night that turned into too much flirting, a few weeks back, and SO and I talked about it afterward and realized we are definitely on the same page about that kind of stuff – romantic and sexual feelings and actions are only for each other. But fast forward to a few days ago… the girl in the other couple (who are engaged by the way) has always been really flirty with my boyfriend. I never thought much of it because I like her, I know she is committed to her fiance, and she is just a flirty person in general. But after that one weird night I had been feeling a little suspicoius. Completely of her, not of him… she just seemed really desperate and was bascially throwing herself at my boyfriend! So I caved and snooped. I searched her name in his email account. And sure enough, there it was. It wasn’t the worst thing I could have found. A couple of conversations, over 2 days, where at first she was just incessently telling him how hot she thought he was, and he kept responding politely but not encouraging her in the least. He even specifically told her that he and I had discussed the events of that evening and realized that we were uncomfortable with the tone of the whole thing and that we weren’t interested in anything like that and it was inappropriate. Still she kept at him. “Oh, I told you you’re so hot but I guess you think I’m ugly?? whine, mope” So he finally is like ‘no, you’re hot’. Then the next day (while he is at work no less) she starts sending him suggestive (not naked) pictures of herself. He responded enthusiastically 🙁 telling her what he liked about the photo, suggesting she send another one, etc. Then a while later she tried to continue the conversation and he put more of a stop to it, basically saying, this is wrong, I have a great thing going with my girlfriend, please stop messaging me like this.
So it’s not the worst thing in the world. And I realize trust is lost on both ends because I snooped. He feels terrible about this and we had a horrible, gut-wrenching discussion about all of this immediately after I found it. It brought up a lot of stuff that I guess was good to talk about that hadn’t really seen the light of day since we have just been in this pre-engaged relationship bliss phase for about the past year now. We haven’t fought about anything (not that we actually fight, we don’t really ever get angry or emotional about stuff, we just calmly discuss, lol…), we basically have no complaints about each other… everything has just been so perfect, dammit!!! And now it’s not… I’m upset, I can barely look him in the eye, I don’t want to cuddle him or do nice things for him or be affectionate, which came so naturally before this. He says he misses me and he feels awful. He feels ‘set up’. He feels like ‘he was tested, and he failed… if only he had told her to stop sooner it would have been nothing’
I know he is not interested in pursuing anything with her. I know all his love is for me… I just can’t help feeling like this is a huge red flag that I can’t ignore. It seems like such a stupid thing to end a relationship over but I can’t really help but feel that I am not so sure about marrying him anymore, if in the BEST of times, this is how easily he is tempted?? I think he is devastated because he realizes now he can’t propose to me at christmas anymore… and whoever knew about it, which I think was a lot of people close to him, is going to wonder what happened. He keeps saying ‘he ruined everything’ and I tell him ‘no, you didn’t ruin everything, couples have hard times but they work through them. I’m angry at you but I still love you’. But I guess he means he ruined the proposal plans.
I emailed the girl and told her to call me. She did, and we had a (civil) conversation about it where I just told her what I found and how it has made us both feel. I told her we had been thinking about marriage and children and now I don’t know how to feel about it because her actions have maybe revealed an aspect of his personality that I don’t like. She was really apologetic and said that ‘she was so stupid, it was all her fault, he loves you so much, blah blah’. I didn’t even rule out being friends with her in the future but I asked her to please not contact either of us for a while.
Am I making too big a deal of this? I don’t know how to feel. I miss him and I just wish things could go back to exactly how they were a few days ago 🙁