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I voted for a civil ceremony because "civil" does not equal "Non-spiritual." I think this way you can have the ceremony that it fully meaningful to you and there's nothing stopping you from incorporating some of the Catholic ceremony traditions/pagentry that you like. I too was baptised/raised Catholic and left them because I disagree on such a fundamental, moral level with their current teachings and practices, but I understand missing some of the traditions and ceremony.
I have a friend who is technically Hindu/Christian and her FI is Catholic. They are having this Hindu ceremony blessed by a priest. So I know that is possible.
The rest I am unsure of. I have only been to Catholic weddings when both members are Catholic b/c of the promise to raise your children Catholic vows and some other things.
I hope you find something that works for both you and your FI! We opted for a civil religious ceremony, outside, by a Baptist priest b/c we didn't feel a connection with any particular church in general.
I didn't vote; i feel weird voting on what kind of ceremony for you =]. It's so personal
This post is very similar to another Catholic post. Just click on the link below and it will take you to it. I think you will find very helpful answers.
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/confused-2
In my humble opinion, I think it depends on how active you are in the faith. Do you still receive communion? If so, not being married in the church will not allow you to receive communion. Just something to think about. It's talked about in the post above. Hope it helps.
It sounds like right now getting married in the catholic church would not be an accurate representation of your beliefs. If you get married in a civil ceremony and later decide you want the church stamp of approval, you get what is called a convalidation. It wouldn't be a huge wedding all over again; it would be a small ceremony marrying you officially in the church.
That your fiance is not baptized poses no hindrance to getting married or convalidated in the catholic church. That said, if you did get married in the church you could have a pretty civil-esque ceremony (i.e., no mass or communion), which might be a good choice especially if your family is very religious and it would mean a lot to them and be not too big a deal for you. As you and your fiance grow together spiritually, I hope that you find a good spiritual home. And on a side note, I'm curious that your fiance considers himself a Christian but isn't baptized---that's a requirement for membership in every Christian church there is, even the very socially liberal churchs, and I'm surprised to hear that if he identifies as Christian that he hasn't pursued it. Just something to talk about with him, I guess. :) Good luck!
p.s. I also didn't vote because I think either choice could be made for the right reasons.
I definitely agree with frugal_faye. My fiance and I are both Christian, and we aren't planning on getting married in a church, simply because we don't really have a church home right now. However, that definitely isn't going to stop us from integrating some religious elements into our ceremony!
thanks you everyone for your comments. i should clarify, what i meant by feeling Christian even though he's not baptized is that he feels he has christian beliefs, and sometimes saying he's not baptized makes people assume he doesn't believe in God or that he isn't in any way spiritual (some people!)
i am definitely the more spiritual of the two of us. he wants the civil ceremony because it would be "easier and most logical" (men... more specifically, accountants :P ) . this is because we have the option of having the ceremony and the reception in the same place. i also like this idea, but something about it seems to be nagging at me.
i do still receive communion and i understand that if we don't marry in the church i should no longer do that. i also know it would probably mean a lot to my dad to see me marry in the church. on the other hand, i know it won't hurt his feelings if we do not.
UGH. I am so conflicted... sorry for the babbling haha.
@ frugal faye - you mentioned that you left the Church because you disagree with current teachings and practice? Not quite sure what you are referring to, but the teachings have been preserved for almost 2000 years.
@ OttawaBride2011 - Not getting married in a Church does not necessarily constitute not being able to receive communion. However, not getting married in a Church or with the Blessings of the Church would in God's eyes, be an invalid union. As such, while the law may say you are married... God's law would state that you are not. Sorry to be the one to bear the not-so-happy truth about the situation, but I'd rather you know than have to butter it up to not seem important, when indeed, it is extremely important.
GOD BLESS...
I agree that "civil" does not equal "non-spiritual". I think you should have a nice, spiritual ceremony that means a lot to you without following all of the catholic regulations.
@rumblebee I'm referring to the way recent church officials have decided to interpret and act on the church teachings and practics (such as the recent excommunication of the 9-year old rape victim in Argentina but not her rapist). I've found some teachings very problematic for years, but more recently I've begun to find acts like these outright disgusting and hateful. I don't mean any offense to others who believe/follow Catholic church teachings, but as far as I'm concerned I want nothing to do with the church anymore. I've lost my faith that they are making correct interpretations of god and religion and its role in life, not my faith in God.
I don't mean to start an argument at all, but since you asked, that's my explanation.
If your marriage is blessed by your Catholic priest, how are you not married in the eyes of God also? I thought that was the whole *point* of having him bless the ceremony? If you already disagree with some of the church's beliefs, will you feel as if you aren't truly married in the eyes of God if you don't have a Catholic wedding? That could be a very important point to consider. I've had comments that I'm not "really married" b/c I didn't get married in a church and it's hurtful, so I can see where, if you believe that, a Catholic wedding is a must. But I didn't get that impression from you since you are open to marrying a non-Catholic Christian and a lot of very devout people are not.
PS i'm not baptized and I consider myself a spiritual Christian also =].
Maybe sit down with your FI and explain why a church wedding is important to you and what your feelings are on the whole matter. How does he feel about getting married in a church, logistically aside? Don't do what he wants just b/c it's *easier* if it doesn't feel right in your heart. But you also can't force him into a catholic wedding he's not comfortable with. That being said, you could not have mass and just have the ceremony, too, which I've had lots of friends do!
i am very very lucky, and he is willing to do whatever i want. he has no opposition to being married in the church, he just always thinks of things in terms of logistics, so when i was having trouble making a decision, that's the advice he offered! i do not believe that not getting married in the church would make my marriage invalid, in fact that's another one of the issues i have with the church.
because of all of these thoughts i have been having, i feel like i need to do a bit of soul searching. my mom was anglican before she married my dad, at which point she converted, but she pointed out that i may want to try going to an anglican church... maybe the catholic church just isn't a good fit for me...
thank you all for your advice/thoughts! i am definitely willing to listen and consider all opinions :) i love wedding bee!
i think i should have posted this is "emotional" and not "catholic"... lol
I also hate to break this to you, but I believe you said that you do still go to communion, currently. Unfortunately, if you are only going to church on Christams and Easter, you are in a state of sin, If you are in a state of sin (not in the state of grace) you cannot receive communion. (Catholics are required to go to mass every weekend for their Sunday obligation.) This is of course assuming that you are not going to confession before you go to mass. I can't name anyone I know who properly observes being in the state of grace for communion, but usually skips mass.
While I'd love to encourage you to get married in the Catholic Church, I don't think the way you practice your faith is conducive to you living those vows seriously/properly.
OttawaBride -- I feel exactly the same way as you. Do what is right for you and your fiance, whatever that may be. There are some Christian churches that will marry you even if you are not a member, and I know of a Catholic church in Minnesota that is not as strict as most Catholic churches are when it comes to this sort of thing - so there might be a welcoming/progressive one like that near you, too.
To each their own. Good luck!
It sounds as if you would really have a civil ceremony. = ) I am not baptised, either and also consider myself spiritually christian.
In my opinion I don't feel you should have to go to church to prove you believe in god. You can worship and do pretty much the same thing in your own home. But that's who I am. = )
@Tanya123 - so, just so i am clear, would it be better for me to never go to church at all?
i don't want to get into a flame war on weddingbee because i feel like this is a very nurturing environment and i don't want to get on anyone's bad side, however, i have found this post very enlightening. i'm now almost certain that i am going to research some other options and find the best spirtual place for me. i'm not convinced that the catholic church is that place...
No, you should go to church, as much as you can! And if all you muster is Christmas and Easter, the Church is welcoming. But you should abstain from receiving communion, if you are not in a state of grace.
I'd recommend talking to a priest and finding more about Catholic teaching, before just giving up. YOu might find out the teachings make sense. Even if Catholicism isn't the easiest faith. Usually the best things in life we have to put some work into. Just my opinion.
Feel free to PM me if you have questions.
No offense to anyone here, but I am a bit saddened that so many "Catholics" on this board, are voting to have a "civil" wedding. I would have thought that being Catholic, that a Catholic ceremony/mass would have been important to most.
Unless, there are non-Catholics voting in this forum (against you having a Catholic mass), the numbers may indicate a lack of understanding or appreciation for the beauty of a Catholic ceremony/mass and our faith.
GOD BLESS...
P.S. --- I'm personally having a wedding at the Catholic Church... without a doubt
@ RumbleBee - I voted no on OttawaBride's poll, but it's not because I don't appreciate the importance of a Catholic wedding in my life. I was married in the Catholic church, and I am practicing Catholic.
The great thing about WeddingBee is that you can get a ton of different opinions. I'm sure some of the people who voted no are non-Catholic, just like some of them (myself included) are Catholic, or have had Catholic weddings, but understand that it's not the right choice for everyone. From OttawaBride's post, it sounded to me like having a Catholic wedding was not the best choice for her, and I voted accordingly. One of the things I love about this website is that we get a huge variety of responses, and not all of them are from the same viewpoint as mine! I feel like the decisions I make are more well-rounded and thought out because of the different views expressed here. :)
Hi there Ottawabride2011, I'm in a very similar situation to you and I have chosen to have a civil ceremony with a religious blessing. Also my FI is Church of England so we thought this would be a good compromise, and like some of the others above, I believe civil doesn't equal non spiritual (perhaps you could add some prayers to the service along with a blessing?). Also 'normally' if one partner is baptised Catholic and the other baptised of any other Christian sect , that should be sufficient to have a full Catholic ceremony and certainly a blessing, but that may vary from priest to priest, so if you do decide on a full Catholic ceremony I'd start the ball rolling sooner rather than later on getting FI baptised. I'm very interested in Chelseamorning's post about the option of the convalidation at a later stage, as I wasn't aware this was a possibility and think it sounds like a great thing to keep in mind. Here's a couple of links you might find useful:-
http://catholicism.about.com/od/catholicliving/f/FAQ_Marriage.htm
The first thing I would do is speak with your local Church/Priest as they are best employed to offer advice on blessings etc.
If you would like more advice or information surrounding how we're going about our blessing feel free to PM me, but please don't feel obliged :-)
You still have some time before your wedding. Perhaps you could explore some of the churches in your area to see if there's a comfortable fit for you, whether Catholic or Protestant. I'm Presbyterian and my husband is Catholic and we ended up getting married at the Catholic church he went to high school at but had a ceremony without communion instead of a full mass. Protestants and Catholics have different ideas of what communion entails and who should be involved and so we just opted for the ceremony.
I would 100% recommend for anyone in this situation to talk to a priest and begin marriage prep in the church. The worst thing that could happen is that you get some marriage prep counseling, but decide you don't want to get married in the church, and at least know you fully explored the options. But on the other hand, could reconnect with the church, feel spiritual renewal, and find a home in the church where you can receive the sacrament of marriage and eventually raise your children.
2nd, 3rd, or 4th the talking to the priest.
I think it also requires some soul searching on WHY you disagree with the church on certain issues and what it is about those issues that cause your reactions.
For Instance - The church is fine with homosexuality - however - as the purpose of a relationship is for bonding (which CAN happen between a same sex couple) and procreation (which CANT happen between a same sex couple) it is against Marriage (i.e. Marriage by God's definition not man's definition of taxes and power of attorney marriage). They also ask that you abstain from sexual interactions as sex... while bonding... is supposed to lead up to the one flesh union and be open to life. As that can't happen... well... that's why they're against it. It has nothing to do with preventing someones loved one from visiting them in a hospital, making medical decisions, or taxes... but it looks at the root of what marriage is...
So, as it seems the original posters main issues with the church lie within Sexuality and Marriage... I would have suggested speaking with a priest, doing some soul searching, and if those issues still are there... than why get married in a church where you don't agree with their views of the use and purpose of marriage.
Sure, the church can seem un-caring, old fashioned, and un-cool... but it's the same way Jesus started things 2000 yrs ago.
Also, EVERY Christian belief was against any form of contraception in EVERY situation until 1930. So, Christians using contraception today are actually a VERY small number compared to all christians that have been. In the 1930's the Anglican church was hesitant, but changed to allow BC in "very serious" situations within a marriage. It took 30 years for all the other churches to actually re-write their DOCTRINE on the issue. All, save for the Catholic Church. So really, it's not just the churches views... it was the same view for all christian denominations for ninteenhundred and thirty years after the birth of christ.
John Calvin - Father of presbyterian church - "Contraception should be condemend"
Wesley - Methodist church - "Contraception is very displeasing to God and the evidence of vile affections."
Martin Luther - Lutheran - "those who use contraceptives are logs, stoic and swine." He then called withdrawl "worse than incest" and "worse than adultery"
So do some research on where issues lie, talk to a priest or a solid theology instructor (one who will tell you the truth of the churches teachings and not their own personal belief), Perhaps go to mass a bit more, experience the Sacrament of Reconciliation again, and then decide from there. If the only issues lie in the Sexual and Marriage realm I hear a lot of Catholics say that experiencing the faith and Christ through the SACRAMENT of the marriage actually brings them closer to christ and a whole new realm of understanding the faith. After all, the mass is essentially the Marriage of Christ to his church.
I wish the best of luck in your soul search. I know the post was orig. made a while ago... but no matter what your decision wound up being, don't give up on your faith, it's not easy... but you may be surprised on what you find.
Hi, I am not Catholic, but as you expressed that this is emotional, I thought I'd throw in my thoughts: FI and I also struggle with this issue greatly. I was raised Lutheran and have a lot of issues with the church and its stances on the same things you have mentioned (homosexuality, pre-marital sex, etc.) so we are having a mostly civil service that does not take place in a church, but will (hopefully, we haven't asked yet) be performed by my uncle who is a pastor.
Struggling to define your faith is just that - a struggle. Feel free to "church hop," have discussions with priests, pastors, your FI, friends etc. And please don't let anyone make you feel like a bad person for being open about such struggles! Questioning the religion you were brought up in is completely normal and a personal process. Your wedding service should be a reflection of you and your FI, you deserve that on your day!
@ KLP: I couldn't have said it better (esp. about Homosexuality). As Catholics, it is our duty to fight for social justice, which includes equal RIGHTS to all persons. We should not deny any person, hetero/ or homosexual, their RIGHT to a civil union...marriage is a whole other issue, as it's a sacrament. As such, within the Catholic Church, marriage is denied to any couple who are not open to the creation of children as a part of their union.
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a little background, i was raised Catholic, i have had my first communion and confirmation but now only go to church on christmas and easter (please don't get mad!). i feel very spiritual and i would like to raise my kids to be the same way.
the struggle i am having is that i feel a little disconnected from the catholic church as i disagree with a few of their beliefs (contraception, pre-marital sex, and homosexuality). i am having trouble deciding if i should get married in the church or just have a civil ceremony... if i have a civil ceremony, can i have the marriage blessed by the church at a later date?
i should also mention another potential issue is that my FI feels he's Christian, but has never been baptized, so i know the church won't see it that way...