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Is this person in your wedding party or just a friend? If she's not in the wedding party then maybe she just shouldn't be included in the bachelorette. If she can't be bothered to attend the dinner portion of the evening, then why should she get to celebrate afterward? And what are you doing afterward - drinks? bar hop? If she could come hang out for that, is she willing to spend money only on drinks and partying with you guys after the dinner, or does she expect people to pay for her drinks? Sounds like this girl is being real selfish. I mean, $40? Really? I know people aren't made of money but from what you've said she has it but just won't spend it on dinner for your bachelorette party. Is your MoH friends with this girl too? If so, I'd have her pass on the message that it's not cool to just show up later because she doesn't want to pay. I fell like you shouldn't have to be caught in the middle of this. Let your MoH do the dirty work if she is willing (even if she doesn't know the girl). If it was me and this girl showed up later because she couldn't fork over $40, it would just piss me off and ruin my fun.
If she's a bridesmaid, maybe have on of your other BMs or you MOH talk to her in a casual way, but let her know that it's not about the $$, it's about the time together. I agree with Kittyachi though, if she's not in the bridal party then maybe she just shouldn't go...
Well, hmmm. I think personal financial decisions should be left alone, odd though they may seem. Maybe she's saving up for something -- anymore, that could be a layoff. Maybe she just has a very firm sense of what is and isn't worth her dollars. I think you should try not to take it personally, have fun at dinner with the rest of your friends, and meet up with her later. She's likely always been this way, and likely won't change anytime soon.
A friendly request that she join might be worth the effort, but anymore than that and I think you're risking overstepping. Try to focus on the people who will be joining rather than the one who won't, and have fun!
There's not much you can do about it. You can't force someone to do something they don't want to. I'm sorry you're hurting but I guess there shouldn't have been an expectation from this friend if she has pulled this before. Money is such a touchy subject and everyone cares for their dollars differently.
I agree with Cheese. I think if she is a BM, she should have discussed with the MOH that she didn't want to do a prix fixe dinner. If she's not, I really don't see the problem with her coming later to hit the bars. I realize you want to hang out with your friend, but it's not like her behavior is surprising or new. She's always been this way. Whatever she chooses to do with her money is really her business, and some people may consider $40 a lot to spend on dinner. If you want her at your bachelorette party at all, you should let her come late if that's what she wants to do.
as someone who was a bridesmaid 4 times while putting myself through law school, i understand where your friend is coming from. thats an expensive dinner...and she is coming later-its not like she is just blowing it off. how people chose to spend their money is no one else's business...
I agree with what Cheese and LegalBee said. You never can really be sure of somebody's money situation. If she's on a strict budget, $40 could put a serious dent in it.
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Just for the record, just so people know where I was coming from and that I'm not a total snob - in NYC, $40 is NOT an expensive dinner. That is actually really good for a prix fixe dinner. And forget about drinking in bars in NY - $8 beers and $10 cocktails are the standard.
Maybe $40 isn't an expensive meal for NYC standards, but maybe she had only budgeted $100 for the night and wants to be able to drink and make the money last into the night. I can see being disappointed, but I think you need to respect her decision and be happy she's joining you later on.
Hmm, I can see both sides. If I wasn't in the wedding party, I may have passed, too, depedning on how much I had to put into the wedding as far as travel costs and such. I know $40 isn't a lot, but if the wedding is coming, and this person has to travel and get a hotel room and give a gift, I can see why she would want to watch her spending (especially with the way the economy is and people trying to watch every penny they spend). I live in a city, too, though (Chicago) so I can agree with Kittyachi that $40 for a meal is NOT that bad. So I dunno. However, if I WAS in the wedding party, I would be there with bells on, because I would have budgeted that cost in my "BM duty" costs.
I also have some friends that have very different ideas of spending. I have one friend in particular who makes more than I do, has a lesser cost of living and never buys anything because she saves everything, but complains about the costs of things and talks a lot about having no money and being "poor." It's annoying, so I can understand that, but I've learned to brush it off because you really can't tell people what to do when it comes to money. Once people stop inviting her to these things, maybe she'll get the hint, or maybe she'll loose a lot of friends. Either way, not your problem, right? Everyone that cares enough about you will be there. Have fun that night!
Agree with what's already been said about it being more inappropriate if she is a BM vs. not in the wedding. Also, over the years I have come to admire my 'cheap' friends a bit - I have those friends that will drive across town to buy paper towels because they are on sale, and roll my eyes and think 'Really? Go crazy, spare that 50 cents." The thing is though, it's true what they say about money adding up and over the years I've been impressed to see how much these ladies have managed to save on relatively modest salaries.
I can totally see both sides also. I think, for me, what it comes down to is would you be sad if she didn't attend your b-party at all? Are you close enough friends that looking back you'd think "I wish 'friend' had been there". If that's the case, then I think you should chalk it up to well that's how she is but I'm glad she showed up later on in the evening.
My cousin's (only) sister (who was her MOH) didn't show up to her b-party because she had already made plans to go away that weekend with friends. It made my cousin really sad that her only sister didn't feel like it was important enough to be there with her. We still had a great night out, but there were a lot of hurt feelings for my cousin and then regret from her sister about her not being there.
I'm sorry that you're disappointed she's missing dinner, but I think it's great that she's able to come out later in the night because she still wants to make an effort to celebrate with you. No matter what your budget is, $40 is an expensive dinner, especially when you don't get to choose where you're going and what you're eating. It's an even more expensive dinner when it is to be followed by a night out where you will be expected to buy not only your own drinks but also drinks for the bride-to-be.
It may not be so expensive she CAN'T afford it, but I respect her for saying it's too rich for her blood and that she wants to celebrate with you later.
I get how you feel. Several of my friends are cheap in this way. I once picked a restaurant for a birthday dinner after checking both the prices and whether they offered a vegetarian selection specifically so a friend of mine (who's in BP) would come. She informed that she felt that the vegetarian selections weren't quite worth the price (not that the price was too high) and so was going to bail out. I was hurt by that and other things, but then I realized it's not about how she feels about me. I know that she cares about me a lot, but this is her limitation. I've considered addressing it with her, but I know it won't change her opinion on the matter (she's talked to me generically about how she feels about these things a fair bit).
I think it's not totally out of line to address this with yuor friend, but you should be prepared for her not to respond in the way you might like. The fact that this is a long standing pattern and that she's making the effort to come out afterward shows tht she cares. It doesn't change that it's hurtful to you b/c you'll miss her company, but it might feel better if you are able to separate her behavior in general from how it reflects on how much she cares bout you...it sounds like she does. I hope that helps :)
And don't even get me started on my MOH and these types of issues...
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Thanks everyone :-)
She's not in the BP... she's close enough that she could have been, but I wanted a small BP and I chose someone else over her for a few reasons... I knew she would be difficult about money, and she's very particular about clothing and there would likely have been BM dress issues.
About "you can't know someone else's financial situation"... you usually can't, but I know everything about hers, because she brags about it all the time... she lives at home, she makes a lot of money, her parents pay for almost everything, and she has put every dime of allowance and every birthday check into savings since she was 4. Which I respect, in a way, it's very disciplined of her. But she has gajillions of dollars in savings that she's not willing to touch, and when we go out I end up covering her share of the tip because she doesn't believe in tipping (ok, that's not exactly true, but regardless of the bill, she adds $1-$2 to the cost of her food "for tax and tip."). I guess I'm just already irritated about her weird money neuroses, and somehow imagined them just vanishing for the wedding. Whoops, I started whining again :-/
Anyway, many of you made a really good point that, given her money issues, the fact that she's joining us after dinner (at a comedy club - my 18-year-old sister can't get into bars) really means something. Some day I need to talk to her about the tipping thing, though.
you say "needs to know that it hurts people's feelings when she pulls this nonsense" - i dont agree. you say shes cheap but has she ever owed you money? she might be putting the money away on her retirement fund or saving for a house - its HER choice what she does with HER money
thing to remember is she wants to join up with your party after the dinner so she isnt blowing you off completely.
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For me $40 is a bit pricey; I can get free steak dinners through connections I can get nice meals for $25 pre=fixe at top restaurants at off prices
I can see her point I am the same way and do not like to spend more money than need be, I'll get a $8 wine instead of a $16 cocktail
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You probably don't know your friend's financial situation completely and although it may seem "cheap" to you, I just don't think you should make an issue of it.
Personally I really dislike it when people plan parties with the expectation that their guests will contribute financially to that party. If your friends are putting together your bachelorette party for you and they have all agreed to pay, then that's different. If she doesn't want to pay, then there is nothing wrong with her not attending or attending in the capacity she feels comfortable with.
We were recently invited to a birthday party in Las Vegas and on top of the cost to fly there and get a room, we were asked for a flat fee for the dinner. Hello, you're hosting a party! It happens a lot with birthdays and I find it very presumptuous.
This one is tough for me. Normally, I'm on the side of you can't tell people how to spend their money. And I know she probably didn't have a say in the cost or planning of th evening. And I can appreciate someone aksing her to fork over money, she more or less didn't agree to...
But with your second post clearing some things up, I have to agree with you. If she has saved every penny, (and I get it, I had saved every penny in order to spend it on my wedding, and I gladly did -never regretted it) has a decent job, no expenses, I think she needs to suck it up once in a while. And the story with the other friend?? Not willing to pay $5? Because the play wasn't good? What the heck... I would say perhaps she is jealous of anyone else's successes, bu if she's meeting up with you after dinner, I guess it is really the money. You're right, this attitude, of not being thoughtful with friends is socially crippling for her. I suppose you can try to shake it off as it's her personality flaw, and not take it personally. Although I'm not sure if I would talk to her about this situation. Maybe the best time to talk to her is when she does this to another friend. Then you can mention it to her as an innocent observer. "Gee, Jane, I don't think you meant it to be hurtful, but I think Sally's feelings are going to hurt if you don't go to the play. I can't say that the play will be good. But $5 isn't asking too much to show Sally we support her. Don't you think it's worth it for the friendship she's provided all these years?" Or something like that.
Sorry. Good luck.
@worcesterbride - at that point then I would just say okay she's gonna join you later on, you know her and her mindset which you (nor I) agree with, but you'll be having a great time at your party and she's your good friend. You can't change how she thinks about money issues, so as long as she's there that night, then I think that's all that matters.
My guy's best friend....I've not really mentioned him here....he's a great guy, loves my guy like a brother. I finally met him a few months ago when he moved back to MA. We get along really well, I know he loves Mr HW, I know he'd run into a burning building to get him out, BUT....OMG...he is one of the most negative NELLY, pessimistic people I have ever met in my life. Sometimes I have to just walk away. Mr H will be talking about something he's working on, and BFF will be all Oh well that's not gonna work, that's gonna fail, etc. It makes my head spin. But at the end of the day, he's been there through thick and thin with my guy, at first I thought he was a mean person. But now that I know him better, he's not mean, he's just a super careful guy watching out for his best friend. Regardless of his negativity, I love that he's a great friend to Mr HW.
My ex-boyfriend was this way too. He would always skip the group dinners. It sucks, but that's just how some people are. She's the one who is really missing out. The dinner sounds like so much fun!!! Can I be your friend! I love NYC. I used to live there and yes, that is a very good price. Congrats to your resourceful MOH!
I like what everyone said about having your MOH do some dirty work, but I would just let the MOH tell her that your feelings are hurt. Past that, you can't do anything about it. Weddings are really expensive for guests. There are presents and hotel rooms and showers and bachelorette parties. It really adds up.
One of my bridesmaids was ditching out on my shower and my feelings were soooo hurt. But she came around because she saw how upset I was.
Is your friend generous in other ways? Maybe she isn't going to spend $40 on dinner, but will she always answer the phone when you need her? Has she been generous of spirit if not of pocket book? Focus on that and let it go if you can. I can't believe I got over the shower thing, but by the time I did, my friend is coming to my shower. But I truly would have been okay if she didn't come. When I was mad at her (and I was livid for a variety of reasons), I just started focussing on all of her positive aspects and why she was my friend and why I wanted her to be a bridesmaid and I felt so much better.
But guess what? There is payback time. She will TOTALLY understand one day when she gets married. ;)
Good luck! And hey--let me know if that seat is free. I would LOVE to come...hehe...jk!
Worchester, I know how you feel. I just had a bridesmaid drop out over money and her husband alone makes six figures and was just bragging to my FI how he got a 10k tax refund he's going to use for all sorts of fun things, not including my wedding. Really sucks.
All I have to say is yeah, at least your frugal friend is still coming to the B party, and more importantly the wedding. My friends certainly aren't coming to either, and that makes oohhhh three dropped bridesmaids now? Needless to say, could be worse.
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I think you are over reacting. Many people feel that all things wedding-related are either a moneygrab, or else unilaterally imposed on them because the bride wants everything her way because it's "her day". You need to give these people some consideration.
I think this girl deserves props for standing up for herself in a way that may be considered socially unacceptable. It's no reflection on you that she doesn't want to attend. She just thinks it's too expensive. If she would rather save her money for a trip or a house, then so be it.
If this sounds harsh, it's because I am a BM in a wedding this summer where the bride does want everything her way, and takes a hissy fit when someone can't come, or doesn't want to spend the money, or disagrees with her on anything. So take it with a grain of salt...
@worcesterbride: Yikes! That tipping thing is baaaaaad. I'm completely against the idea of tipping to begin with (I should have to give you extra for a job I'm already paying you to do), but I tip extrememly well anyway (usually 20 percent, or a few bucks more). So I can see your frustration with that aspect!
But don't let the other stuff bother you. If it ever comes to a point where the money thing is a constant source of strain in your relationship, you may want to consider "growing apart" with her.
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I'm kinda with Cheese and Legal Bee on this one. We're organizing the Bach Party so people can opt in for the dinner part, or opt in later for the going out part, or both. Both is obviously ideal, but I'm not going to be upset if someone can't or chooses not to attend one or the other. That's their choice, not mine.
I don't think it's a bad price for NYC but for KS it's a lot! It would be frustrating for anyone to hear a friend brag about their fabulous money situation and then not be willing to participate in something like this. However, it's great that she's willing to come afterwards. Try and remember that's she's always been this way, will probably always be this way and it's not a reflection on your friendship. If she didn't care about you, she wouldn't attend at all. Have fun and enjoy your party!
I wouldn't say anything at this point about the b-party. Because, honestly, if she does come after talking with her wouldn't both you and her feel like she had been guilted into it? It easily could be become very uncomfortable and cause resentment, which is the last thing you want.
However, you should talk to her at some point (probably after the wedding) about how she's hurt various people's feelings and also about her tipping problem as both will eventually cost her friends and (with the tipping thing) job/business opportunities. But I would emphasis things like going to a play a friend is in to support her rather than this situation which is, in my opinion, is actually a good compromise between her careful ways and wanting to celebrate with you.
i think you need to respect her decision and her situation. it's really difficult economically for everyone- even people we don't think it really effects. maybe you can suggest for the other people to pitch in so that she can partake in the celebration.
i had invited a bunch of people to my bach party, and only three people could make it- me, my maid of honor, and my matron of honor. i even made it located in washington, d.c., which is on the other side of the country from where i live, just so more people could come! (most people are in NYC) i was really sad about my good friends in new york who couldn't make it and didn't seem to really make an attempt to make it. but in reality, it is what it is and you'll enjoy your bach party. i did! i'm actually glad no one else came! HA.
I agree with legalbee, how someone spends their money is their decision. I say this because I was a bridesmaid in April. My friend wanted me to buy the dress in May 08, the wedding was in APRIL 09! I told her I didn't have the money for it and I will have to wait a couple of months. Know what she said to me? "You just got back from the DR on vacation." Yes, I did go on vacation. yes I spent money I make on a vacation. Her wedding was not a top priority in my life and I don't care if that sounds mean. I got a life to live. I got bills to pay. I got groceries to buy. I don't live with my SO, she does.
Plus, what was the point of me buying a dress that far in advance?
I understand being excited, but there are some things you don't question people about and money is one of them.
Just let it go. Her not going is not a reflection of her feelings for you - she just has a hang up about what she feels is wasteful spending. Some people are like that. I think it's great she's joining you afterwards. Don't make a big deal about this - you both will be happier in the long run.
I have this too..my best friend since high school doesn't make much money, I Know that..she never has so she's not coming to my bach it looks like. Mine (as far as I know about it) will not even cost much at all...but the friend says she can't swing it. I understand but it is tough as I was in 5 weddings now and was always told " you are a bridesmaid, you do what you gotta do" even though I never had money etc..some friends got so much done for them I can't believe it looking back. All kinds of parties, lingerie etc..wow. For me, the people coming out aren't even my closest friends, they are friends who want to get out and i haven't seen etc. Like someone said above I was really bothered at first but hey, I'll have fun with who is going and that's what I am choosing to focus on! I've heard you learn alot about your friends from getting married..I think I'm about to see that..
If she is notoriously cheap then you should not have been surprised, so do not ruin a friendship over a little incident. Since she is meeting up later she is not completley ignoring the event. Also take into consideration that she just does not have the money.
$40 would be a lot for me to spend on dinner, esp. if I was going out later. I have the money but there is no way I could justify spending that much on a night out. Honestly, I can relate to her. If she sticks to a tight budget for whatever reason, suddenly being asked to spend $40 for dinner plus drinks/club cover etc. for a night out might be a lot.
I've skipped friends bachelorette parties before because of the cost. I'm still friends with the girls.
If I were you, I'd just let it go.
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I have a friend who is notoriously cheap... we were roommates for 2 years in college, and have stayed close.
I just found out that she will be "meeting up later" with my bachelorette party, because the MOH has arranged for a $40 prix fixe dinner, and she doesn't think she will "eat $40 worth of food." It's not that she doesn't *have* money - she just has this really weird sense of what things are worth. Anyway, I'm pretty hurt... she's a close friend, and the fact that she would skip out on my bachelorette party over a couple of 20's that she *could* spend but *won't* really makes me upset. I'm trying to decide whether to say anything to her... I feel like she needs to know that it hurts people's feelings when she pulls this nonsense. (In college, another one of our roommates was involved in putting on a play, and she wouldn't pay $5 for a ticket because she had heard that the play wasn't very good - so this is not the first time she's done this kind of thing. She has no idea that she very nearly lost that person's friendship.)
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