Post # 1
Our wedding is less than 1 month away and the due date for RSVPs was last week. I had to chase down about 50 people (seriously why is it so hard for people to rsvp in a timely manner! But that’s a different thread…) and I was very surprised to find out that several formerly very close friends aren’t able to make it for what feel like lame reasons like moving, have to work, volleyball tournament, trying to save money (from a girl who just took a major international vacation).
As background info, we sent save the dates in October/November of last year (so 10 months in advance) and invitations at the beginning of June so I feel like people had plenty of time to make arrangements to be free that weekend.
The rational side of me knows my wedding is not as important to everyone else as it is to me but the emotional side of me feels super hurt. I was a bridesmaid in one of these weddings! And the other girls are close friends who I have lived with, traveled with, etc…
So, enough with the rant. How do you keep from taking the Nos personally?
Post # 2
enjoy the people who will be attending.
Post # 3
Do you even know why they can’t come?
Post # 4
There was one friend of mine that I was a little hurt about not being able to come, but honestly, I was so busy at the wedding that I didn’t even notice that she wasn’t there. Enjoy the people that are there.
And I’m sure you know this, but you cannot be upset over how people choose to spend their money – meaning the one that just took a trip. You just have to let it go.
Post # 5
rhle: You can be sad that your friends can’t come, but you must realize that lots of people don’t get to have a lot of control over their work schedules, the schedules of other entities (like moving companies), etc. I am sure that these friends will show you that you are important to them by sending heartfelt cards/gifts and arranging to celebrate with you at another time–that is, unless you dismiss the important moments and things in their lives by letting them know that you think their reasons for declining are “lame.”
Post # 6
SnowInApril: Thanks – that’s a good point. I’m sure I won’t notice at the wedding, it just stings now. Maybe it was that they all came at the same time whereas before I had at least a few Yes cards to counteract the Nos.
andielovesj: yes, reasons are in the post. One is moving, one is playing volleyball, one is trying to save money, and one has to work.
Post # 7
rhle: I wouldn’t take it personally because they aren’t personally attacking you. Things come up: people have to work, finances change, etc.
Post # 8
I am sorry but really? Yes I would be hurt, however having to work is not a lame excuse. For example where I work we can only request so far in advance even then it does not guarantee I can get a day off. Also for the moving, if they are buying a house sometimes the closing is not the best time or they may have to be out of their current space or in their new space at a certain time.
Post # 9
On the wedding day you will be so busy that you won’t notice them not being there. I wouldn’t let it get to you. It happens with everyone. There were definitely a few surprising nos at my wedding, and while I was a bit hurt to learn that, I also realize that while it was an extremely important day to me not everyone’s life lines up all the time. And while I try really hard to attend all the weddings I get invited to, there have been some I had to decline- even some of fairly close friends (not for moving or a volleyball tournament, but just because it doesn’t sound that important to you doesn’t mean it isn’t extremely important to them).
Post # 10
rhle: Don’t dwell on the no’s and just be happy you got them. I had to pull RSVPs out of some people who said they would show up and didn’t. That pissed me off more than anything. They could have told me no so I could save some money or invite someone else in their place.
Your wedding is a month away. Focus on what you need to do in the next 4 weeks and keep it moving.
And you’re right, you can’t dictate why your wedding is more important than anyone else’s plans. Sometimes moving plans just happen and there’s typically a small window of time to get it done. Sorry if it landed on your wedding day. And the international trip…maybe that was a goal of his/hers this year and if they had more money left over, they would attend the wedding. They probably didn’t.
That’s life. People are going to make decisions based on their wants and needs first. Deal with it.
Post # 11
mgbser: Thanks – it’s nice to hear from people who had a similar experience and have some distance from it now to know that I won’t be upset about it in a few weeks.
Post # 12
- Wedding: A very pretty church.
If they can’t…they can’t. As to the bridesmaid issue, you were her bridesmaid, she isn’t yours so it is hardly relevant.
Post # 13
I can’t blame you for being disappointed. Your feelings are what they are. The best way to think of it is that you really have no idea what is going on in the lives of others. Financial, health, and work related issues can be legitimate and private, which is why with the possible exception of immediate family, it isn’t justified to expect someone to tell you their reasons.
Save the dates are an imposition if their intent is an expectation that people can predict the future.
All that said, when people do consistently make you a priority in their lives, that sends a message, too.
Post # 14
weddingmaven: “The best way to think of it is that you really have no idea what is going on in the lives of others”
Too bad WB is a virtual community and we have no stone tablet to carve this, among other wise words, on. +1000.
Post # 15
rhle: I had the same thing occur to us except it wasn’t a formerly close friend it was one of my husbands best friends and his wife. Needless to say he took it extremely personal and basically told said person that they will not have a relationship after the wedding if they didn’t attend ( we did the same thing as you sent out STD magnets 8 months in advance). The whole time they were there they sat at the table and pouted. Didn’t talk to us and it probably would have been better if they didn’t come at all. It all was because they were not asked to be in the bridal party ( they are total flakes and 9/10 times will say they will be somewhere and 15 mins before they are supposed to show up they cancel).
Looking in hindsight, if they weren’t there it really would not have mattered. we enjoyed our night with the friends and family that wanted to participate!