Post # 1
- Wedding: The Metropolitan Centre
Ok, quick backstory. SO and I met a little over a year ago at a mutual friend’s party. We hit it off immediately and became inseparable pretty quickly. I think both of us knew early on that we were headed towards marriage. Last October, i took a job 1100 miles away. He and I talked about the move and decided there was no other option but to stay together. We Did The long distance thing and talked every night on Skype and visited when we could. There were nights that I “forced” him to go out with friends so he could maintain his own life and identity (after being in a previously emotionally abusive relationship, I realized just how important that is). In february, we began discussing marriage seriously. By march, we were looking at settings together (online, of course), and by the end of April, we were talking diamonds and budget. Because I’m in education, I was able to come home for summer break. He picked me up from the airport this past Saturday and everything was amazing that day and night and Sunday during the day. Sunday, as we were laying in bed, he suddenly started talking about being distant and confused. This came completely out of left field, but after talking about it, it seemed more that he was nervous that I’d say no. we talked and I reassured him that I love him very much and that seemed to be the end of it. On Monday, he bought the ring!! However, yesterday he started talking about his feelings of confusion and referring to the weight and gravity of the decision to marry someone. Then last night he starts talking about negative stuff out of the blue again after having pretty emotional sex. He said he first thought he wasn’t as attracted to me as much because of a little weight gain (but then he dismissed it, saying he loves my body), and that he worried because whenever he makes plans, there’s always more than one option and he feels like that’s not the case here. Today he was talking about maybe it’s the fact that he had a specific day in his mind that he wanted to propose and that the more he let go of the date, the better he feels. He’s lost. I suggested that he see a counselor so he has an objective ear to listen. He keeps reassuring me (and I completely believe him) that he’s so very in love with me and wants to make it through this together holding hands and being stronger as a couple when it’s over. We’re going on vacation in two weeks for a week and he says a lot is going to be revealed during our time together. I’m a pretty insecure person, and the emotionally abusive relationship left me with some pretty deep scars, so the negative thoughts have started creeping in. I guess I’m just looking for words of advice, words of wisdom, anyone who’s been in a similar situation,….anything. We love each other very much and I don’t think anything is seriously wrong, but I can’t help but start to worry. Help!
Post # 2
Probably not what you want to hear, but:
You’ve only been dating a year? Was it his idea to look at rings or yours? It sounds like there was a lot of pushing for things on your end. I mean, you’ve only been dating a year, he’s voiced that he’s a bit unsure of moving this fast, and you’re telling him to see a counselor. That’s pretty intense. If he’s saying he’s unsure, listen to him. It sounds like he’s grasping at straws to give you excuses so you’ll back off (the weight gain thing). The decision to marry someone *does* have a lot of gravity. It’s a major life decision. It’s not just about a perfect proposal and a pretty ring to show off to people. Give him some space to think. Let him breathe. And don’t pressure him about the ring, proposal or marriage. Why the rush? Don’t you want him to feel 100% certain about his decision?
Post # 3
christinemireille: There’s nothing wrong with meeting someone and deciding to get married quickly, Mr. 99 and I were married nine months after we met, however I would think it is important that two people be on the same page about that…..sounds like while your fella is very much in love with you, he’s just not ready to take the plunge….if its a good idea today, it will still be a good idea when he’s ready, just hold tight and remember that its a big decision, some people need more time to make those.
Post # 4
- Wedding: The Metropolitan Centre
thanks ladies. I know that it’s fast, but when you know, you know. I’m 30 and he’s 28, but you’d swear he’s older than me. We arrived on the same page at the same time, never any pushing by me. He brought engagement up before I did. I have continually checked in, asking him if he was ready, if we were moving too fast, whatever. He’s super stubborn and makes decisions on his own time. It went from me-hey, I think this ring is pretty to him-I’m buying the ring. He made the decision of when. his family assumed we would get married after only 2 or 3 months of dating. My family considers him family. We share the exact same group of friends. I suggested he see a counselor so he could have someone uninvolved in the situation help him sort his feelings. I realize the severity of the decision as I had a moment of, “whoa, holy crap–this is a real thing and not a fantasy.” We communicate very well thanks to the long distance bit, which is why this was so surprising. Until sunday, he was, on his on terms, referring to my future fiancée and looking at, again on his own, wedding venues. I’m totally ok with waiting. Like I said, there has never been any pressure from me demanding it happen right away. I asked him this morning if he thought he wasn’t ready yet, and at first he said he wasn’t sure, then said he didn’t think that was the case. He just seems confused by his sudden atfitude change and annoyed by it at the same time.
Post # 5
How long were you both doing long distance?
Post # 6
christinemireille: I would talk to him and suggest putting the proposal on hold for now until he gets his head straight. It sounds like you’ve spent leas than 6 months physically together thus far. Do you guys have plans to be closer to each other soon?
Post # 7
I didn’t see anything about pushing him into this in your post. I do have to agree with other posters that things have escalated quickly, but the number one thing that stuck out to me is what he said. One of his doubts centered around attraction and your weight. The other is not having the option of other women. That’s not quite how he said it, but that’s how I read it. I’m not so sure that I would stay in this relationship.
Post # 8
He actually said he’s less attracted to you because of a small weight gain? Ouch! He’s telling you over & over that he’s not ready. I second the idea of putting the engagement on hold. Better that than risk being stood up at the altar.
He’s not ready & he’s not handling it well with this back & forth stuff. He’s confusing you. My guess is he doesn’t want to lose you & he doesn’t want to get married right now.
The healthy way to handle it would have been to sit you down & tell you he loves you, but after some soul searching, realizes he’s not ready for marriage yet & hopes you can understand.
Post # 9
I would be extremely concerned over being in a relationship with someone who wouldn’t be attracted to me and want me anymore due to some weight gain…
Post # 10
christinemireille: It sounds like he is desperately trying to communicate that he just isnt ready yet. He may be afraid to pull the plug because of disappointing you. I think he is trying to get you to make the decision that it is too soon. I suggest having another conversation with him and this time taking charge and telling HIM that the timing is not right. I think you will both feel a lot less pressure.
Post # 11
With a LDR, sometimes the reality of the situation doesn’t hit you until the person is physically there with you.
I think you guys should take the pressure off yourselves right now and agree to not get engaged this summer. Maybe that way you won’t be thinking about it every day and can just enjoy each other’s company. If it’s meant to be, you’ll feel so much stronger in your relationship and decision when you do finally get engaged! Trust me – wedding planning is stressful! Take some time to simply enjoy the love you have for each other. Spend the summer just being in love! No pressure, no planning.