Post # 1
My FMIL called my fiance today to ask him if she was invited to the rehearsal dinner… the rehearsal dinner that SHE IS HOSTING. And asked him to explain what she was supposed to wear and do for all of the events all weekend. Did I mention that the wedding is one month from today? Guess I’ll be spending my afternoon writing an itinerary and dress/etiquette guide instead of working on wedding projects… Anybody else have a MOB or FMIL who has no clue what they’re supposed to be doing?
Post # 3
Well we are pretty much doing everything ourselves so all my FMIL has to do is show up. In fact the future in-laws offered to pay for our rehearsal dinner and we refused as we are older than most brides and grooms and feel we are of the age we should pay for such things ourselves. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to be concerned about what she is wearing or anything like that. But I’m not good with that sort of thing. I think we are ignoring a LOT of wedding etiquette.
Post # 4
all I have to say is WOW, and GOOD LUCK! lol
Post # 5
My FMIL has clueless moments sometimes too…and I know she’s been to weddings before! Like that of her other son five years ago! But somewhere between that and now it seems its all been forgotten. She asks questions like that sometimes too. The only suggestion I have is to count to five in your head and take a deep breath before you respond – sometimes things that seem painfully obvious to us are shockingly baffling to other people.
Post # 6
My future in laws are a little bit clueless as well. I am having a destination wedding and they mentioned they were booking flights for the DAY BEFORE the wedding. Since we are from different countries and our families have never spent time together, I was a little hurt that they didn’t want to get there early (my family is arriving the weekend before) to hang out with my family and us. But honestly, I know it’s not because they don’t care, it’s because they just don’t think things out fully. Also, as they were mentioning their rediculously last minute flights, they asked me if there was any type of rehearsal or dinner. Ahhh, yes my parents were hoping you’d offer to host that since they are paying for the wedding. They seriously just don’t get it. My fiance said he would set them straight about getting there earlier but how do you ask someone to host a dinner for you?!
Post # 7
I think a simple phone call would be sufficient. A clueless FMIL is much better than a FMIL that isn’t interested in the wedding at all!
Post # 8
Yeah, I’d been frustrated and kinda angry at her for showing no interest in the wedding, but I’m relieved (though admittedly still frustrated) to find that she’s acting this way because she has no idea what to do, not because she is upset or doesn’t care. I sent her a friendly email with a timeline of wedding events and helpful info about who would be where, what would be going on, etc., and reminding her that she really can call or email me with questions (she always calls her son/my fiance, who is not a championship communicator and doesn’t know all the details). It would probably be easier if we lived closer to each other and could sit down and chat more often.
Thanks for your advice/commiseration ladies! I appreciate any other tips on dealing with clueless/uninvolved FMILs.
Post # 9
I think what you did was fabulous! Does she have her dress yet? Maybe you can go shopping with her for wedding-related duds. Could be a bonding experience! Good luck.
Post # 10
I think it was nice of you to remind your FMIL of the timeline and who would be doing what. I think some folks are just a little bit clueless. My MIL didn’t mention the rehearsal dinner until TWO WEEKS BEFORE. Even though we had asked them repeatedly if they would like to host the dinner (as it’s traditionally their job), she completely ignored us. Two weeks before (after arrangements had already been made and invitations had gone out), she emailed to ask if there was anything she could do for the rehearsal. Since everything had been planned and prepared, I asked if she could provide wine. Yeah, I think she showed up with 2 bottles of wine for 20 people! My sister had to send out the groomsmen to the store to get more! So much for that…
If I were you, I’d keep doing what you’re doing. Keep involving her in any way you can and giving her information. That way, she’ll feel like she’s "in the loop" and will be more willing to participate.
Post # 11
It worked ladies!! She emailed back initially with some basic scheduling questions, but then she sent me a second email that just said "I wanted to tell you how thrilled we are that (fiance) chose you and that you chose (fiance)." I’ve been wanting to hear that for months! It’s so good to know that she is happy, even if she doesn’t usually show it.
Post # 12
Oh my goodness, YES, the same thing happened to me!! I asked my fiance to mention the rehearsal dinner to his mom, so we could get an idea of what she had in mind. She claimed she "had never heard of" rehearsal dinners and asked him to explain. He did, and added that generally the groom’s family hosts the dinner. She then told him that she "didn’t understand" what the whole thing was about and didn’t want any part of it. Now, this is NOT a woman who was born into a different culture and hasn’t acquired American customs. She was born and raised in NYC, ladies.
It gets worse….
After my fiance and I abandoned any hope that my FILs would consider even co-hosting the rehearsal dinner, they announced that they plan to drive home after the rehearsal (2 hours away) rather than stay in town, like everyone else, AND drive home right after the wedding too, rather than stay in town and join us for brunch the next day! For those of you who are starting to wonder if money is the issue here: nope, it’s not. My FILs are both successful professionals. That said, if you’re now wondering if they just don’t like me – that’s not it either. In fact they adore me and are thrilled that I’m marrying their son. They just couldn’t care less about weddings – ours or anyone else’s.
They’ve said that they intend to give us cash for the wedding to spend on "whatever we want." Well, guess what? We’ll be spending it on dinner for 30 people – thanks a lot, Mom. But in the end, it’s not even about the money; it’s about how hurtful their lack of willingness participate in our wedding is.
I’d love to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.
Post # 13
How strange, brideebee! My FILs are willing to pay (as little as possible) for the rehearsal dinner and are not complaining about having to travel to where my family lives for the wedding, but otherwise theyve been very distant throughout the wedding process. I really think they just have no idea whats expected of them. I dont know where I learned the assorted wedding etiquette and traditions. Dont we just pick these things up along the way? And if your kid is getting married and youre happy about it yet you never absorbed any wedding concepts at the 30 weddings youve been to over the years including your own, dont you go online or buy a book to find out whats expected and what you can do to make it good and special? Sorry I dont have any answers for you brideebee. Its still a mystery to me!
(also sorry about the lack of apostrophes… my keyboard is being goofy)