Post # 1
I am one of the first people to get married in my group of friends and understandably, they have not yet been fully exposed to the nuanced world of wedding etiquette…
That said, the questions that several of my friends have come to me with are like “seriously? you’re asking ME that? seriously???!” A family friend will be throwing us an engagement party soon and a couple of them have innocently asked “am i supposed to get you a gift or something?” I know it’s well intentioned and that they really don’t know if they’re supposed to get us something, but how the heck am i supposed to answer that (by the way, the invite specifically states “no gifts”)? Part of me gets really steamed that they arent just asking somebody else or consulting an etiquette book because it puts me in a really awkward position. I have bridesmaids asking me what they’re supposed to do for me. It feels wrong TELLING them what they are expected of. In fact, I just expect them to NOT ask ME! How can I tactfully get them to stop asking me these kinds of questions without offending them or making them feel dumb? I want to steer them towards other options for advice, but dont want to seem unappreciative of all their effot and good intent.
Also, I have one friend who keeps posting things on my facebook (and her facebook) about the party and the wedding. I desperately want her to stop because there are people who won’t be invited to the wedding or party who are free to read this stuff. She is incredibly sensitive, but I have to communicate to her that there is a reason that I have never posted a single thing about the wedding on my FB. HELPPPP!!!!
Post # 3
You’re in a tough position. I’d joking tell them to Google it or email them theknot.com’s Bridesmaid Responsibility page. LOL
I would sit down with your FB friend & ask her nicely to stop posting. Just be honest & tell her why – I’m sure you both have mutual friends that won’t be invited and she might not be thinking that way. Do you have a MOH or someone else that you can talk to about it? So maybe she can step in and tell everyone to come to her with questions instead of you?
Also – be prepared to be the “go-to” person when your friends get married too, you’ll be the expert! LOL
P.S. – I love your pic. 🙂
Post # 4
My first time being a BM, my sister got me a book. It was cute. Lots of etiquette rules.
Post # 5
With regard to the BM’s, I’ve just played dumb and it seems to work. I’ve said stuff like, “oh, I don’t know what kinda things BM’s are responsible for. If I think of anything I’ll let ya know!”. That seems to make them leave it alone. And regarding people asking about gifts- that’s just gonna happen. Some people just have no clue. And they don’t want to offend you, but you’re right, they should be asking someone else. So just tell them no gift is necessary and that it’s just important to you that they come. Lastly, the sensitive friend, I’d just mention it indirectly, like in passing at first. When I was with her or talking to her I’d be like, “omg, I accidentally mentioned something about my wedding in front of someone I’m not inviting, I have to be way more careful about that. If you can, try not to mention my wedding, I don’t wanna hurt anyone.” Hope that helps, that’s just how I would honestly deal with those issues.
Post # 6
Welcome to Bride-dom!! Because you’re the bride people assume you automatically have all of the answers. It’s definitely a tough position to be in and it sort of sucks sometimes.
As for the engagement party, tell them to refer back to the invitation about the gift thing.
As for the BM duties thing…that’s tough. I’m the first of my girlfriends to get married and some of my BMs haven’t ever been in a wedding. I would just say to them “anything you want to do for me is very very much appreciated.” If you want a bachelorette party, tell them. If not, tell them. If you want/don’t want a shower, tell them. I don’t think they’ll take it the wrong way. If anything they’ll appreciate knowing what’s going on.
Hope that helps!!
Post # 7
Is your group of friends incredibly young? You might just have to tough it out and be the example for people.
Emily Post’s wedding etiquette book has been a bible for me, as has Modern Bride’s Bridal Survival Guide. Everytime I feel like I want to kick someone in the front-pants, I check out those books for guidance.
There is no chapter in either of those about the proper way to kick someone in the front-pants. I checked.
Post # 8
This may not be quite the answer you were looking for, but, your friends seem excited for you and just want to do the right thing by you. Maybe you should consider answering their questions as patiently and politely as you can (and addressing the FB issue in the same manner), and and possibly gifting them with a book or some sort of how-to on *what to expect when you’re an attendant* kind of book/magazine.
Post # 9
@MissACS: HAHA! Hilarious! I can imagine the wording now: “it is always best to inform the recipient (in writing, preferably) of impending kick in the butt at least 2 weeks prior to said kick in the butt.”
Post # 10
Don’t forget to promptly thank them for letting you kick them in the butt!
Let me at least share what I’ve learned so far. Wedding planning can be delightful, it really can. There are moments, like when you find your dress, where it’s heavenly really.
But there are moments, and they are mostly interactions with invited guests I am finding, where you just want to go Bridezilla and stomp down a skyscraper. People are just going to drive you nuts and surprise and shock the hell out of you. And it’s never who you’d presume it would be!
But even in those moments where you want to strangle someone, sometimes you find a bond with your FI or even your mom or bridal party, wherein everyone agrees, “Yes, that person should be strangled.”
Post # 11
If someone asks “do we bring gifts” just say “no thank you”. It says “no gifts on the invite, right? sooo….not sure where the problem is there.
As for your bridesmaids-if they are young and not experienced in weddings, well, they are not going to have any idea what to do. So yes, I think it is up to you to tell them what you expect. Brides have different expectations when it comes to bridesmaids. My BM’s have been asked by me to buy a red dress that they like, and to show up for the ceremony…so pretty much I don’t expect too much from them. Other bridesmaids are asked to help with flowers, invites,cooking,planning showers /bachleorette parties…so each bride is different and I don’t think it is out of the ordinary for them to ask you anything.
As for the FB friend “I’m trying to keep the wedding plans private so can you PM me if you have any questions. I’m so excited to start planning so any advice you have will be appreciated”
Post # 12
it sounds like they’re just excited for your wedding and they want to help and be involved. why don’t you want to tell them what you want from them? i don’t think they’d be too offended if you straight out said, sometimes bridesmaids throw the shower and bachelorette party, they help bride on the wedding day, etc. especially since they are asking. i do understand where you’re coming from with your friends though, especially for the engagement party. i just had mine and NONE of my friends brought gifts. i’m younger than my fi, and all of his friends brought gifts, we figure it’s because i’m the first out of our click to be married and they don’t really know how the whole wedding process works. we had a whole pile and presents and none of them were from my friends, not that i need them to get us a huge expensive gift, but something small would be thoughtful.
Post # 13
I don’t think it’s really out of the ordinary for them to ask you. You are the bride and should probably have all the answers they are probably thinking. Plus they can’t really google what is required of them because etiquette will probably suggest something different than what you require. I wasn’t as involved as the maid of honor in one wedding as I was in another. If not for you getting married, would you be up on the details and etiquette of a wedding?