Post # 1
I got married two months ago and had two Matron of Honor’s (or CO MOH). They were both my closest and longest friendships (note: they are not friends and have only met a few times through me). I had also been each of their MOH and at one point or another during our friendships we had talked about being the others MOH. So when it was my turn to get married I gave it a lot of though and decided to avoid hurting peoples feelings I would have them both as my MOH. I could tell neither one of them were thrilled and I expected this but I was hoping they would be mature about it. (We are 30 years old after all).
But one of my friends had a real problem sharing the role. More than once I had to talk to her because she was so upset and I tried to do the best I could explaining to her how important she was but also so was my other friend. She also lives several states away and I explained how it would also take some of the pressure off her trying to do everything so far away.
But alas, jelousy is an ugly monster and she was constatnly comparing her self to my other friend and was apparently keeping score with which one of them did what leading up to the wedding and even what each one of them did during the wedding.
Just yesterday I get this extremely long email from her telling me how upset she is over everything. She feels like she wasn’t treated fairly, and overolooked during the whole process. She listed EVERYTHING she felt was unfair and accused me of being a really bad friend, and she felt I used her and only gave her the role out of pity, also how I didn’t thank her enough for everything she did and how much trouble she went through for me.
Needless to say, I was shellshocked and extremely hurt and upset by it all. I had the purest of intentions and was trying my best to keep it fair but it seems like she has still decided to let it upset her. The fact that she herself got married a year ago, you would think she would understand what all a bride goes through planning for her wedding day and how crazy and overwhelming it all is.
I’m writing to the rest of you because I want to know if anyone else has gone through this??? I really don’t want to end our friendship but it is clear she has put it on trial.
I feel like I shouldn’t have to defend myself AGAIN (since we have already talked about it a few times before the wedding). I do understand how she feels hurt about not being the only maid of honor and I can also understand how she might feel like my other friend was more involved. She is entitled to her feelings. However, she is 100% wrong about me not wanting her there, and how she thinks I only gave her the role of of pity. I’m upset with the horrible accusations toward me and i don’t think it’s right for her to still me THIS mad about it all!
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2013 - B&B
She is taking it WAAAAYYY too personally!!!!!!!!!! I suppose if she was super excited to be your MOH and plan everything for you, she would be disappointed at having to “share.” But really… I can’t help but wonder if other things happened during planning? Do you know if she and your other MOH got along?
I guess I can even understand being kind of hurt if you know someone is your best friend, but they have more than just you. But really she should have handled it more like an adult. It’s a WEDDING for crying out loud. Of course it’s important but it was never, ever about her. I am kind of surprised that she herself was married and couldn’t really see that….
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2013 - B&B
I guess if I were to give you any advice, it would be let it go for a day or two to calm down, and then write something simple like “I have told you before that I did not give you the role out of pity, and I explained my reasoning to have both you and the other girl. I can not do anything more than that, and to just once again express that I care about you and love you. I’m sorry you feel that way, but what’s done is done and I can’t change your feelings, only you can decide how you want to take it.” Leave the ball in her court.
The defensive side of me would also want to add a line about how she should maybe think about getting over herself a little because the wedding wasn’t about her, but I’d advise be the bigger person and NOT say that lol.
Post # 5
This exact situation happened during/after my FSIL wedding….
Which is exactly why its a bad idea to have 2 MOH. Because no matter how old you are, they could be 50! Chances are one, if not both, will feel hurt and jealous. I know I would!
Either way whats done is done. The mature thing to do is call her, and talk about it. Yes again. Or you can not call her, and move on from the friendship.
Post # 6
@Sunnyday278: Thanks for your reply. As far as if anything went on during the planning. Of course there were some bumps along the way with the bridesmaids but nothing that should warrant this type of outrage from her. My other MOH planned the bridal shower but that was also because no one else offered to throw one for me.
Post # 7
@kjo: I agree, looking back, it would’ve been way easier not even having a bridal party!
Post # 8
How terrible she is acting this way. I hope she quickly gets over her issues. This is not something you want to remember dealing with when you think of your wedding day years down the road.
Post # 9
@WG1020: Don’t let her problem become your problem.
@Sunnyday278: gave good advice. Acknowledge that she is hurt but don’t take responsibility for it. Tell her that you want to keep your friendship and you hope that at some point she will be able to put these feelings behind her.
Post # 10
@julies1949: I think that is a really good point. I think I’m going to take a few days before I try to talk to her. I feel like saying something along the lines of “I can understand why you are upset. But you need to decide if you are going to be able to let this go. I love you like a sister and I want to continue being friends, let me know if that is possible.”