Post # 1
I have a bizarre problem and I wasn’t sure where to post it. I’m curious to see what others think. I posted here because it revolves around a miscarriage recovery and this seems to be where that topic usually goes.
My direct co-worker – we supervise the same program but have different roles, we work beside eachother daily – suddenly starting being cold and rude to me since I came back to work from having a miscarriage.
She knew I was pregnant, I work in a physically risky job so I had to tell her to keep myself protected. She was happy to keep the secret and just get my back at work so to speak.
Anyway, then I had a miscarriage, and I took one day off, and I’m pretty sure my boss (who also knew – just those two knew) told her. So I come back to work, and she doesn’t address it with me, no sympathetic hug, nothing. Just started walking in and out without greeting me, ignoring me all day (our desks are beside eachother). We had a pretty friendly relationship before, suddenly she’s a moody B…?
It’s been going on for two weeks now. It’s just so weird, who does that?? As if I don’t have enough to upset me already. I’ve just been trying to let it go but I’m wondering if I’m taking it too personally? Is it worth addressing? Oh yeah, and she’s noticeably only being rude to me. She’s being cheery with everyone else. (PS- this is a 50 something year old woman.)
What do I even say? Ummmm, did you know I had a miscarriage? So….do you have a problem with that?
Post # 3
Maybe she doesn’t know how to act toward you because you didn’t personally tell her. Maybe she thinks you want privacy and since again you didn’t tell her directly she figures you want to keep her out of it.
Post # 4
Yeah I agree with the PP..it could be that she just feels awkard and that maybe she thinks you need space? Also, you are assuming that she knows what happened..maybe she really doesn’t? If you want her to know, then maybe you should straight out tell her and then see how she acts towrads you..maybe you did something to piss her off?
Post # 5
Sorry you are going through that….. I would definitely ask her if something is bothering her, without assuming it’s your miscarraige.
I don’t know that I would take it personally, as hard as it seems to do…. I have found that fertility issues affect people differently. So, maybe SHE had her own share of miscarriages and it’s dredging up old feelings for her. Maybe she doesn’t know what to say and so she’s panicking around you.
Post # 6
@MrsPinkPeony: That’s what I was thinking.
She may not want to draw attention to it because it’s obviously not an easy issue for you to deal with, and may think you want space.
Post # 7
@MrsPinkPeony: That’s kind of what I assume….but it doesn’t explain the shut out towards me. I could see just not mentioning it for that reason but going on business as usual without the rudeness.
Post # 9
Maybe it just naturally creates an awkward situation?
Post # 10
i am hoping that its just that she feels awkward, esp since you told her about the pregnancy but not the miscarriage. while this is so NOT about her, maybe she feels offended that you didnt confide in her?
i dont know what your relationship/job is like or what she is like, but i know i have a coworker who, if i was out for 1 day with a miscarriage, would totally think i made a pregnancy up to get out of hard work and then made up the miscarriage to get out of the lie… but yeah, that chick is crazy.
Post # 11
She might feel like it would be nice if you told her yourself since you told her about the pregnancy. I would just tell her and see if it continues. It could be creating a bit of tension – ie “does she know I know?”.
Sorry about your loss 🙁
Post # 12
@Sunshine09: I would say that maybe she isn’t purposefully being rude but maybe doesn’t quite know how to act now. Especially if you didn’t tell her about the MC yourself. I know I would feel strange going up to someone and being like “oh im so sorry!” when I was told the news by a third party. What if that person wasn’t supposed to tell me? Or what if the person that had the MC doesn’t want it brought up or talked about? I mean its a really touchy subject and not one I would be willing to risk talking about directly. However, I would probably have waited a few days and then just said, “so how are you feeling? everything ok?” and given an opening for that person to talk about it. If they chose not to tha twould be the only attempt I would make. Plus coworker relationships can be tricky since your job can be affected by any mishaps that go on. Its not a normal friendship. So try not to take it personally just yet. Try and reach out to her a bit maybe by opening up a dialogue with something like “you have been super quiet lately, is everything cool?” and just say it pleasantly. Its best to be gentle but direct. If she’s still a jerk than I would say just accept that she’s a jerk and move on 🙂
Post # 13
@MrsPinkPeony: “Maybe she doesn’t know how to act toward you because you didn’t personally tell her. Maybe she thinks you want privacy and since again you didn’t tell her directly she figures you want to keep her out of it.”
This is exactly what I was thinking.
Post # 14
It’s also possible that she or someone very close to her has experienced one or more miscarriages and she knows she can’t emotionally handle talking about it without becoming a wreck, so she’s trying to avoid the subject entirely. No one wants to burst into tears at work. Or she could be terrified of saying the wrong thing so is avoiding you?
Post # 15
I was thinking the same thing. She might just not know how to act around you. I am sur ethat she doesn’t want to brign it up if it’s going to make you upset.
Post # 16
That’s a tough situation to be in. 🙁 I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I would bring it up with her, especially since you two work closely together. Don’t assume it’s the miscarriage that makes her act that way- it could be a number of things. Maybe she feels awkward around you, maybe it’s a painful topic to her and she’s avoiding you to avoid feeling badly about something else? My guess is that something about what happened to you makes her uncomfortable. I’d start off by just telling her, ‘hey, I noticed you’ve been a little distant lately, is everything okay?’