Post # 1
I need your help, dear fellow bees!
I started at my company half a year ago. I got to know my colleagues and really liked them, I even expected my relationships to some of them to develop into real friendships over time.
Then 3 weeks ago I invited a handful of them to a party. They got to know my husband.
He did like them. But when I asked them on Friday, if he could join their monthly gaming night, they refused. They had a “bad feeling”. I assume they just didn’t want to tell me what the real problem was… I was bummed (i.e. I cried for half an hour in the restroom…).
They said they hoped I wouldn’t be mad at them (I am!).
I haven’t told my husband yet and I am not sure if I should… It will at least make him sad for 1-2 days, maybe even depressed for 1-2 weeks. We are trying desperately to make some friends, but nothing seems to work. That’s why he is already very sensitive when it comes to this subject. This kind of rejection would kill him. 🙁
Next question: How should I treat my co-workers from now on?
I am quite sure they like me and they hope I would be ok with their decision about the gaming night. But I am not. I feel a strong solidarity with my husband and don’t think I want to have a friendship or very friendly relationship to people who dislike him. But after all they are my colleagues…I used to have lunch with them. But I think today I will skip it. I’m still too mad at them. But what about the future?
Please let me know what I should do:
Should I tell my husband about their reaction?
How should I behave in the presence of the co-workers?
Post # 3
I would speak to your co-workers and have them share with you what the real problem is. Tell them that you are intrigued and would like any information in regards to this to help your husband. You and your husband can work on the said problem again (if there is a real one) and try again with said co-workers. It may also help gain friends elsewhere.
If there is no real problem and you think they’re being ridiculous, then you can decide if you want to carry on any sort of friendship with them.
Best of luck!
Post # 4
Friendship has to occur organically, it can’t be forced. I’m curious as to why you would be trying to include your husband in a game night with your co-workers? Doesn’t your husband have his own co-workers? You can’t make friends for him, he has to make them for himself. Also, your use of the word “desperate” concerns me. And he would be “killed” by his perception that this would be “rejection.” (??) That seems a little over the top and may explain their “bad feeling” about him. Desperation isn’t an attractive quality.
My advice for how you should treat your co-workers from now on – professionally.
People often make the mistake of assuming co-worker = friend. It doesn’t. A co-worker is a co-worker, usually not a friend, however it does happen sometimes. Keep your friendships and working relationships separate and you won’t have this problem.
You and your husband have each other, for starters. And if you’re looking for friends try this: Join a club or group (such as Meet-Up) with people who have similar interests to yours. Or meet people at church functions. Or your neighbors. You will find friends, so don’t give up!
Post # 5
It’s a real bummer that they wouldn’t include your DH in game night, but the only thing you can say to that is “Next!” I mean honestly if they’re that exclusive that they can’t extend the group out a little to someone who clearly needs friends and wants to get to know them better, then good riddance. Keep trying to make friends in other areas.
From now on, just treat them normally. You don’t have to act like nothing happened but just be completely neutral at work. Now you know the relationships wont develop into real friendships, but that doesnt’ mean you can’t have good working relationships with them. With time everything will go back to normal.
Post # 6
I have a good friend (coworker at one point but she switched jobs and now we’re just friends) who I love to hang out with. I don’t like her BF. But I would never make that obvious to her. I know he makes her happy and she’s a grown woman and can make her own decisions about who to hang out with. I hang out with her all the time, but I avoid hanging out as couples at all costs.
I don’t know that he is a bad person or anything. He just has a really weird sense of humor that put me off and makes me uncomfortable. So please don’t take any offense if they didn’t get along with him. Just because two people enjoy hanging out with the same person doesn’t mean they would enjoy hanging out as a large group.
Post # 7
I’m curious as to why you would be trying to include your husband in a game night with your co-workers?
They offered to include me into their game night, but I am not interested in the kind of game they play. My husband however is. He has been looking for something like this for years. Why not ask them if he might join? I know that they are open to including more players.
Doesn’t your husband have his own co-workers?
No, he doesn’t. He is self-employed.
Desperation isn’t an attractive quality.
I am sure that our “desperation” was not noticeable to any of them.
Although at first I thought I wouldn’t, I went to have lunch with them today. Everyone – including me – acted as if nothing had happened. But it was not easy for me. I will probably go on and try to turn those half-friendships into normal work relationships again.
Do you have any opinion about my other question: Should I tell my husband about their reaction? I could simply not tell him… I am not sure what to do.
Post # 8
@Rouquine: Hm, interesting idea… It seems difficult for me to ask them for details without sounding “desperate”, which is obviously something to be avoided, according to Sunfire. And it seemed as if they were not keen on telling me, so I would have to ask them directly.
Post # 9
I don’t think it would sound desperate if you asked them once just for their real opinion because you’re concerned this may be a problem without others as well – even if this isn’t the truth. I would just say you’ve been trying to figure it out and can’t pinpoint it. If they don’t bite, then you move on from this situation. =)
Best of luck though!
ETA: Of course this is just a suggestion. I agree with Sunfire that co-workers don’t really mean friends. Do you hang out with them often outside of work though? Is that why you’re upset they don’t like him?
Post # 10
Why are you assuming they don’t like him based on them not wanting to include someone in a gaming night that they met one time? Maybe they would after spending some additional time around him, but its a pretty big leap for you to ask he be included with people he barely knows. I’d find that completely off the wall myself, and would have probably said the same thing.
Did he ask you to see if he could join or did you do it all on your own? If he doesn’t know anything about it, why would you tell him anything at all?
Post # 11
Don’t tell him. That would only make him feel insecure and self-conscious.
I don’t think you should give up on your work friendships so easily. If you get to know some of them better, and get to see them outside of work, they might develop more naturally into friendships with your husband, too. And once you know them a little bit better, you might be able to find out why they didn’t want him to join their game night, which could be useful information as you try to expand your social circle.
Post # 12
Is their game night just coworkers without SOs?
If I were in their position, it is kinda awkward to hang out with a coworkers husband that they barely know. Things could be discussed that they don’t want shared.
Post # 13
@ItWasntMe: Why are you assuming they don’t like him based on them not wanting to include someone in a gaming night that they met one time? Maybe they would after spending some additional time around him, but its a pretty big leap for you to ask he be included with people he barely knows.
I agree…it would be weird to me to be asked to include someone I’d only met once at a party at a regular gathering of my friends. It wouldn’t mean that I didn’t like that person; just that I wasn’t ready to move so fast.
Post # 14
@natalila: I wouldn’t tell your husband in a way that would hurt his feelings.
Can you ask your co-workers to be more explicit with regard to their “bad feeling” about him? Since you get along well with them it doesn’t make a lot of sense why they wouldn’t want to include him.
Unless it could be that they’re afraid he may be better at it than them, lol. Maybe they feel threatened by him in some way?
I have honestly noticed a strange reaction to my FI by other guys at times. He is very attractive and very physically fit and sometimes other men get all “macho” and in his face – like his masculinity is a threat to them somehow. It seems weird to me but guys are weird sometimes the same way women can be catty towards very attractive women, if that makes any sense.
Post # 15
Another thought, try to find friends outside of work. Its not a good idea to both professionally and socially rely on one circle of friends.
Post # 16
I’m confused, were you asking if both you and your husband could attend, or just your husband? If it was just him I think it’s less weird, they may just not feel like they know him well enough yet to spend time with him withough you.