Post # 1
I have heard so many people say that living with a man without being engaged is bad for the relationship and can cause him to lose respect for you and see no point in deeper commitment, or if there is a marriage that it is more likely to fail. A recent study release by the Dept. of Health and Human Services suggests that cohabitation does not actually lead to higher divorce rates though but these things are more based on ethincity, age, and education levels. Also, many cohabitation do end in proposal and eventual marriage.
So really – I don’t get the big deal – what’s the problem with living with your man before you’re married or engaged?
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden
I don’t think there’s a problem. The boy and I lived together for almost 4 years before getting engaged.
I personally wouldn’t want to get married or engaged without knowing what it was like to live with my future husband.
Post # 4
I think it all depends on your personal values. I couldn’t care less what anyone else does, but for me, I don’t believe that I would have been comfortable living with FH without a tangible commitment (ie engagement). We got engaged in May of last year, bought a house in June, and moved into it together in July.
I also don’t place any value in common-law marriage, and don’t believe that it is equal to marriage. We will be married before the 1 year point where we could be considered common-law. Again, those who feel that their common law marriage is the same, fine, but I do not, and will never refer to a common law couple as married.
Post # 5
I don’t think there is a big deal – I live with Fiance for 3.5 years before we were engaged!
It was the BEST thing I could’ve done for our relationship. And it made us realize EVEN more so that we wanted to marry each other.
Post # 6
I personally did not want to live with him before we were engaged for two reasons.
1- considering our specific situation (old enough, out of school, in stable jobs, etc) i didn’t want to give him a psuedo-wife without a ring. this would be totally different if there was a REASON we were waiting to get married like being in school or saving money or whatever. but for us the only thing holding up getting engaged was us both being ready so i didn’t think i wanted to live with someone who didn’t yet know if he wanted me to be his wife
2- relatedly… i lived with a previous bf and it is just messy. its messy when you break up. its messy when you don’t know where things are going. its just messy. i didn’t want to deal with any of that.
Post # 7
FI and I moved in with eachother after dating for 6 months. It was the best thing ever for us. If anything, I think it made our engagement come faster because we were so in tune with eachother on every level. We got engaged on our 2 year anniversary.
Post # 8
We moved in together after 10 months of being together and he proposed at the 1 year mark. All the people I knew with their theories about cohabitation being a death knell for potential engagement were confused.
Post # 9
Also, I must add that I would never have moved in with him if I wasn’t 100% sure that we were going to get married.
Post # 10
We will have lived together (and owned a home) for 3 years when we get married. I would not have done it any other way. To be honest, he was the one “waiting.” He wanted to get married for awhile, I didn’t.
Post # 11
I don’t think there is a big deal. Personally I would NEVER marry someone without living with them first – and living with them for a good while. That said, I also wouldn’t just move in with any random guy I was dating because I like my space, and it is a serious step.
When I knew our relationship was serious (and frankly, was sick of shelling out $700 in rent each month when I only went by once a week to check my mail and otherwise lived at R’s place, lol) moving in together seemed an obvious step.
I know lots of people won’t do it, and for various reasons – but I do think it’s different to live with someone, and for me, its another compatibility test I’d like to do, and pass, before I make the big M commitment. I also don’t know anyone who moved in together and didn’t get a proposal because of it.
Post # 12
I think it really depends on values. I would never, ever seriously date, much less marry, a man who thought less of me for being willing to cohabitate. I have no interest in being with someone who has a madonna-whore complex or has anything but very progressive view points on gender roles and feminism.
Post # 13
All three of my sister cohabitated before marriage- it worked out. I plan on marrying my SO whom I live with- it better work out! I’ve also been through the messy move-out breakup but in the end I think it’s all worth it if your value system permits it.
Not only do I get an awesome roommate- but all of those first year fights like “Can’t you put your clothes in the hamper?!” have dissapated. I think we’re stronger because he’s dealt with deaths in my family- I don’t think he would have seen the full depths of my emotions if I didn’t live with him. Also- we are more financially transluscent with each other, we learn together, (how do you fix a clogged sink?!) and we’ve grown together as we are sharing responsibilites together. These lessons may be fine coming after marriage but it seems so much easier to make the committment once you have a taste of what the ups and downs are really like.
In the end- clearly it depends on the person(s) but there are a lot of positive points to it.
Post # 14
I don’t think it’s a huge deal. Fiance and I live together but sleep in separate rooms. In our case, it was financial..we’re broke college students. Alot of people roll their eyes at that, but we receive no financial assistance from our parents and get no aid. We both make 8.45/hr and work 30 hours during the school year and 40 during breaks so we can pay barely for our living expenses…we’re attempting to be responsible. It’s tough but we both manage, we both could not live on our own for what rent costs here for a one bedroom or studio.
Post # 15
I can’t think of a single couple in my group of friends or his who got engaged before moving in together. There’s one couple that knew they were about to get engaged when they moved in, but most people lived together for at least 1-2 years (often even longer) before getting engaged. I wouldn’t have done it either – we lived together for about two and a half years before we got engaged.
To me, marriage is committing to a partnership and a household. It’s very important to me to know that that household can function as such before formalizing it.
I would also never want to be with someone who would lose respect for someone who lived with him before engagement/marriage.
Post # 16
I certainly won’t live with a boyfriend. That causes way too much interdependency in an uncommitted relationship for my tastes. Regardless of whether or not I “know” we’ll get married, I wouldn’t do it. If I wasn’t sure, I wouldn’t want to tie myself down and live with the guy to find out! (Would that make me sure, or would it just make me comfortable?) I don’t want to make a serious relationship decision when my living situation, finances, and/or lifestyle depend on a positive answer. I don’t need to know every minute detail about my SO’s lifestyle to make an informed decision about my future. I don’t need to test run the marriage to know I can make it work. I don’t need to live with someone to have a healthy, strong, marriage-worthy relationship.
Ultimately, I think the cons (or rather, risks) of cohabitation outweigh the pros. I’ll still receive the benefits of living together, but after we’re married, when we’re putting that work into our marriage.
That being said, I can see why people choose to cohabitate: I hate leaving my SO to go home, haha!