(Closed) cold feet?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2007

A divorce is much more disruptive than a called off wedding, let alone the wasted time in your life you spend married to some one you don’t love. You owe it to yourself to do what is right to make you the best person you can be.  Marriage is not the place to settle!

Post # 4
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I have had those feelings.  We have been engaged for a year now, and the closer we get, the more I question it.  I wonder if the only reason I was so gung-ho (is that even a word?) when we got engaged is because I REALLY wanted to gt married?  Because everyone else was doing it?  The thing is, when I REALLY think abotu all of it, I know my lack of interest in him stems from everything going on!  We have 4.5 months till the wedding.  it has been a year of planning and waiting.  going to school, living with my parents, getting ready to move AGAIN, looking for jobs (both of us), etc.  My last relationship is what makes me realize my FI is really the one I want to be with.  I was with the other guy forever, everyone and their mother asked us when we were getting married.  And we talked about it – ALOT.  We even said we were going to.  I even was ready to get married then.  but when I thought about who it was to, I knew it would end in divorce.  Deep down I knew I was unhappy, and that he could not make me happy.  So, while now I doubt everythign I am doing right now, I know it is more the effect of everything going on around us.  And when I picture us together in 50 years, I know that is what I want.  So, cold feet?  maybe a little – but chances are it is just life getting in the way.  I am sure you will have many more times that you feel this way, even after you are married!

Post # 5
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2007

So many people get married to someone just because they happen to be dating when a lot of their friends are getting married or because their family is pressuring them or because they think they are at the age to get married,  etc.  What happens to some of these people is that they end up settling, disappointed, and just not happy years down the line.  Perhaps if they would have waited a year or two they would have met the "one."  I can tell you this as someone who settled at 23 only to find the real thing at 32!  I had doubts the first time but I brushed them off.  The second time, no doubts at all! I have been in both positions and I can tell you the latter is worth waiting every minute for! I can also tell you it’s better to be single than married and unsatisfied.  Life is short.  Make it the best you can and don’t settle!

 

Post # 6
Member
16 posts
Newbee

It sounds like you know what you need to do. Everyone, even the ones with the flights out to you for the weddding, will understand!

Many tickets can be just used at a later time. Maybe some of your family/friends would still come out to support you during that hard time anyway!

I’m sure no one would want to see you go through a divorce! Isn’t it better to be single now then to have to deal with an expensive divorce later!?

You may even be able to talk to some of your vendors and recover some money now. Verses paying for the entire wedding and then later a divorce!?

It may sound impossible now, but you will get through it!

Post # 7
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

Please, please, please don’t settle! Like maverika I did that and I so wish I could get those 5 years back. Thank goodness it was only 5 years, but it felt like an eternity. I know it seems very inconvenient for your guest but if the roles were reversed I’m sure you would rather your friend be happy then worry about your airplace tickets or hotel reservations. If it were me, I’d call your friends, tell them what is going on and invite them to still come. You probably need the support from them right now anyway. Good luck girl! You’re in my thoughts!

Post # 8
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I just wanted to say something after reading everyone else’s post.  You really didn’t elaborate as to what your issues with your FI are.  I am actually very surprised at all the people telling you to call it off!  Yes, it is easier than divorce.  But since we don’t know any of the story – you are the only one who can make the decision.  Maybe you should talk to your FI or go to counseling together.  I just hope you really are thinking about everything going on as well as what you really want!

Post # 9
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2007

I am not saying call it off necessarily.  Just to consider these things.  That’s all.  Misseva needs to figure things out and I think us "caller-offers" are just trying to help her understand that if the right decision is to call it off that the inconvenience of that decision is nothing compared to dealing with a marriage to someone you settle on. 

Post # 10
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2018

I can agree with dreambml that that are other details to this that could be taken into account that are not known by the rest of us. The part that bothers me about your post is that it seems as if one of the main reasons that you are not calling off the wedding is because your fear of upsetting your guests.  If this is so then I think you should think about it differently. Your friends and family, I’m sure, would much rather see you happy than wind up in a marriage that ends in divorce or your unhappiness.  You need to do what’s best for you, and not in the context of the wedding. That’s just one day, think about how to make yourself happy for the rest of you life .  I wish you the best, I know it’s not an easy decision (I am another one who’s been there before…)

Post # 11
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2007

like the commenters above, i’d also like to say that you should go with what you know in your heart.  i have friends currently going through separation or divorce and it would be much easier to cancel a wedding than to split up later.  if you’ve truly looked deep in your heart and discussed it with your fiance and you know that this is not a good fit for you, then it’s not simple nervousness.  follow your heart and postpone or cancel your wedding.  it will be a blessing in the long run.  good luck and i wish you much love in your future.

Post # 12
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2007

Just to add to the theme that your guests (and your parents) want you to marry the right person above all: My dad has been married four times now (I think this one will stick) and told me when I got engaged, even though he adores my husband, that if I wanted to call it off for any reason at any time, he would support me, even the day of, even when it’s too late to get the money back. And though I was kind of horrified, I loved that he was saying he wanted me to be happy with my choice of partner above all else. 

In a related anecdote, I have a set of friends who were engaged but planning the wedding and the money was so stressful that they called it off (they were also just out of college), but ended up getting married a few years later, after they had had time to save up, enjoy the planning and be sure they were getting married for the right reasons.  If you are not sure if you are getting married for the wedding or the man, you can always postpone the wedding.  Better to be 100% sure before it’s irrevocable.   

Post # 13
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2007

I read a thing on http://www.aisledash.com/2007/11/27/nearly-wed-coping-with-calling-it-off/ the other day where they suggested still having a big party even if you call off the wedding.

If one of your main concerns are people who have already purchased airplane tickets and hotel rooms, you could still invite them to your planned reception and just make it more of a get together.  
I understand what people are saying about not knowing the whole story, but the big thing that sticks out to me about this story is the fact that you said you’ve felt this way for more than the duration of the engagement, for the last year and a half.  That to me says it isn’t just prewedding jitters.  You’ve obviously been feeling this way for a long time and you are now really starting to realize what excactly you are getting into, and I agree 100% with everyone about figuring this all out now rather than a divorce later.
Good luck.

The topic ‘cold feet?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors