(Closed) Cold Feet?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2840 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Are you resenting him for not wanting to be more involved in the wedding planning?

Post # 5
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Hmmm, your ‘change of heart’ could be related to many things, and I am sorry it left you in this position.  What strikes me as off as how quickly the onset was, figuratively slapping you in the face all at once.  Did you guys just have argument that day?!  Were your holidays particularly stressful this year?  Are you a couple that typically spends a lot of time together?! 

As another PP stated, maybe it all stems down to resentment from lack of wedding planning, but the reason I asked further questions is because maybe there were other stressful triggers looming around too?!

Regardless, whether you figure it out or not, I think your FI needs to be privvy to your feelings.  I think you should be completely honest with him!  It may not be the most pleasant thing for him to hear, but entering into a future together (for me) equates to full disclosure all the time, even when the truth may hurt.  Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
3553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

This isn’t exactly the same, but about 2 weeks ago I had an abrupt personality change. I went from my usual calm self to an anxious wreck who had a panic attack nearly every day. It was awful becuase nothing in my life was really stressful. I eventually figured out that I had a bad pack of birthcontrol. I stopped taking them and now I feel myself again.

Have you changed anything medically lately? Sometimes when chemicals and hormones in your body change it can really affect your personality. I just suggest this because the change was so abrupt.

Post # 7
Member
5894 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I notice that sometimes when DH and I are about to get closer, I starting thinking about ex-boyfriends alot more. It’s like a defense mechanism, because it’s scary to get that emotionally vulnerable with someone. Maybe that is what is going on with you.

I also suspect there might be a ‘chase’ element to it. For three years you were in the “please love me enough to want to marry me” mode. (many women spend most of their dating lives in this state( Now the relationship is shifting into a new power dynamic. He wants to be with you, that is scary. You will have to let him in closer than anyone else and that vulnerability is scary.

So you have to figure out (with a therapist if you can): 1) is this about you and your fears of being vulnerable or 2) now that you aren’t in “please marry me mode”, you are able to see the relationship more clearly and realize he isn’t the right guy for you.

But as scary as it sounds, you have to talk about this with your guy. Tell him, “I have something to tell you that is very scary and I need you not to flip out. You did nothing wrong, but I’m having some issues that have come up that I need to talk about and process. Something happened, like a light switch, where my feelings for you have changed. I don’t know why and that is very scary for me. I need some time to figure this out. So don’t freak out if I’m a little distant. I just need to work out some stuff.”

I know one of the things that was so free for me was when I could turn to my FI at the time and say, “I’m having doubts” and he would could say it to me. Marriage is big and scary and it was nice to know that we could share these feelings with each other. It’s like just by being able to say it (and not have the other person freak out), it took my doubt away.

PS- almost forgot, talk to your doctor. The sudden loss of libido could be a sign of illness. Did you start taking a new medication or supplement?

Post # 8
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Rachh6:  Yes. Definitely did. I was always wanted to get engaged and knew that he was perfect, then he proposed and we started coming up with wedding ideas, then I got bored of planning. Trying to work out plans for the wedding took up every minute of our spare time and conversations as we are still doing this long distance for now. I ended up dreading our time together as I knew what we were going to be doing. Now we have almost everything arranged we are relaxing and looking forward to it.

Maybe you are a bit disheartened by his lack of enthusiasm rather than cold feet and worried that you will do it all yourself.

Definitely speak to your FH about the planning and how he would like to approach it. We just came up with a list of things that needed sorting and decided on one and when we were going to discuss it. It sounds a bit too controlled but certainly allowed us both to focus and come up with ideas in time and we actually felt alot more relaxed planning rather than dreading seeing eachother and the next time ‘wedding’ was mentioned 

We also had to allow ourselves a couple of weekends of us time and having space from wedding plans. You cannot be focused on it everyday because it can wear you out. Have patience with your FH, he may just want some time with you like before. 

Post # 9
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Having doubts means you understand the depth of commitment that marriage means…which is not a bad thing. To a small degree, yes, I often find myself going through phases with how I feel about hubs. During wedding planning this felt amplified because EVERY emotion during wedding planning felt amplified lol. Pick a “no wedding plans” day each week and enjoy each others company. If you do start having more serious doubts then you should talk with him about it, and possibly seek premarital counseling.

Post # 11
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Just take deep breaths.

When my husband and I went to go sign our marriage licences, we went to a small cafe before hand because we had some time. Our appointment was for 10am, my eyes were glued on the clock the entire time. I was actually asking myself, “if I run out of here, which door should I take?”

And I kept smiling like an idiot.

He knew, but just held my hand and it was okay

Post # 12
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2013

i can totally understand how you feel. me and my husband married in the court in 2011 winter in Sweden, and my mom (who lives in indonesia) wants us to have wedding ceremony and celebration in Indonesia as well. but my hubby feels that it’s meaningless to have other celebration and ceremony, especially because the wedding is kind a big wedding in my hometown. so he is not interested as well with the planning of this wedding. i felt the same way as you do at beginning, i felt that he doesnot love me enough and so on, but then at some point i realized that beside all the wedding stuff, he is a perfect husband for me and he helps me for everything and support me for everything. since then, i plan my wedding with my mom n sister and just ask some of opinion, i completely understand that my husband he isnot interested with the wedding, he doesn’t think the way i think that the wedding is the ultimate expression of love. so i think probably you should think that way to make you feel better.

also, my husband is swedish and in the swedish culture, wedding is not something big that you have to have party about.

 

i hope my post helps 🙂Kiss

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