Cold feet?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Sucks you’re going through this! No advice, but best of luck!

Post # 5
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I commend you on really giving marriage the serious thought it requires. Its emtional and at times stressful situation. hMy advice would be to talk to your fiance about how your feeling, if you marry him he’ll be your partner for life. That’s a huge commitment especially if your not really sure you want 100% to be married. As for the leaving you if you dont marry him, does signing a piece of paper really mean you love someone more than if you don’t? I think not. Plenty of very happy couples don’t marry. A marriage certificate does not equal security of a relationship as we all know. Maybe he has some underlying security issues? Open communication is always the best bet in my mind. I wish you the best of luck. 

Post # 6
Member
1560 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@FloatOn:  I had doubts during my engagement prior to my first marriage.  We were divorced a year and 1/2 later. This time around, ZERO doubts. You’re so smart to admit this to yourself now. Do some serious soul searching. In my opinion, if I had any doubts, I wouldn’t go through with it.

Post # 7
Member
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

sounds like anxiety– this is normal, but please talk it out with your partner. make sure everything is off your chest before you walk down the aisle.

Post # 8
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@FloatOn:  maybe try couples counseling? not so much premarital, but counseling to talk about these things AND build for your new life?

That being said, I’ve been engaged before, had worries and doubts, and ended up calling it off. It was the best decision I’ve ever made. As soon as I got out, I realized our relationship was very unhealthly. I’m engaged this time with no doubts whatsoever. Listen to those doubts, and get professional help (if it helps, and with someone good), either with or without him!

Post # 9
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Couple counseling sounds best.  Maybe you could tell him that you don’t always want to hold it over his head but your just now getting the courage to confess how much he hurt you then.  I couldn’t marry someone I was starting to resent.  Either I’d delay the wedding or cancel it.  To me resenment means the end of the relationship.

Post # 10
Member
4904 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I’m concerned about the history of lying that is obviously not resolved. I think it’s wise to take a step back under those circumstances.

Is he open to couples’ counseling?

Post # 11
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@FloatOn:  three time bride chiming in 😉

first time I was very young and had SCREAMING doubts that I ignored and chalked up to cold feet. Turns out my gut was right; he was a lying, abusive, cheating douchebag, and I stuck around for too long.

second time I had no doubts that I could really put a finger on, but there was still a nagging. I remember asking our pastor during pre marital counseling, “if you see something here that I’m missing, please STOP ME!” But no one did, and we were married a few years before he suffered from a serious mental illness and I had to leave with my kids. I still think had he not gotten dangerously ill, we’d still be married. But I also wonder, what were my guts trying to tell me leading up to that marriage???

third time, just this last January, NO DOUBTS, no questions, no nerves…just pure blissful confidence and overwhelming happiness! Could not WAIT to marry this man! And despite some of the bumpy days in blending two families, not a single day goes by that I don’t look at him and just revel in my happiness and how perfect he is for me!

moral of my story is this…your soul is trying to tell you SOMETHING. It may be a “little” something or a “big” something! But it is there for a reason. If he’s already lied to you, there’s a trust issue. it seems from your post, that’s unresolved within you. Going forward, I would strongly suggest you either confront him about it, get ALL the cards out on the table and see if it can be resolved. If your feelings still linger, then I’d say your soul is trying to tell you he isnt your perfect match. 

I do understand some brides not having any logical reasons whatsoever to get cold feet, but they do experience some anxieties over the event itself and change in lifestyle that follows…that to me is an “innocent cold feet episode” but what I’m getting the whiff of, from you is, there’s already something about this relationship that is damaged, to some degree, and how can you vow, and commit to a lifetime of that? I believe the foundation on which a marriage is built should be perfectly intact and strong…no cracks, no deficits, no dysfunctions.

best of luck to you dear, for sorting this all out and making the best decision for yourself!!!

Post # 13
Member
4819 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I agree that this is a bit concerning, especially since you’re having doubts almost a year away. Those probably will get worse, not better, as the wedding gets nearer. I think the first thing you definitely need to do is talk to your fiance about all of this. If you can’t talk to your partner about things that upset you, then marriage is going to be really tough. You have time to work things out, so use it wisely! 

Post # 14
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@FloatOn:  how important is the stuff he lied about?

Post # 15
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think the key problem is the fact that you havent really talked about or told him how the stuff he lied about still bothers you. That’s not okay, you should feel comfortable talking about the good and the bad with your future spouse. 

Can you bring it up to him/ will he be receptive?

If not, maybe try couples counseling. I know that may seem like a huge crazy step, but its really just a safe place for 2 people to be open and honest with each other with a mediator who helps things not get too heated or explain when they are needed. 

Just don’t get married without resolving your thoughts one way or the other. He may be great for you – but you need to resolve these feelings!

Good luck and *hugs*

ps. its awesome that you made the first step and even owned up to these feelings. its easy just to feel ashamed and think you’re crazy and avoid all those thoughts!

Post # 16
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@FloatOn:  don’t do it. Lieing is non negotiable. Don’t allow yourself to be pressured into marriage.

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