Cold feet?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

If you’re both worried about it, then maybe you should wait a while.
Especially if you’re eloping – you can elope whenever you want, so why the rush?

We pushed our wedding back 6 months and it made a WORLD of differences in how I felt before (scared, cold feet) compared to how I feel now (more confident, happy)

Don’t rush such a big life decision, especially if you’re both having hesitations.

Enjoy being engaged for a while!

Post # 4
6158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

we were already living together when we got engaged.  the week following the engagement, as i would be getting ready for work, looking at this person laying in my bed, i questioned if that was really who i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and the answer is always yes.


Post # 5
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@CakeyP:  +1

If you’re getting cold feet, why the need to elope in 8 days? Cold feet is not something everyone experiences. I know I never did, and DH has told me that he never did either.

There is no need to rush it, go with your gut and just do what you feel makes you happy – if you’re not feeling it, just wait a little bit.

Post # 6
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I agree with the PPs.  What’s the rush?

Post # 7
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Do you live together? How long have you been together? I think that’s a huge factor here.

My husband (eeek!) and I just got married this past weekend. I was nervous as hell before the wedding. Not sure if I’d call it cold feet, but I was a basketcase. Then again, I’m a nervous person. We lived together for well over 2 years, so I wasn’t questioning my decision to marry him or anything. I was just waaaay overwhelmed and wasn’t looking forward to the wedding ceremon itself.

It’s possible you’re overwhelmed with the family meeting him and Xmas right around the corner and so on. If you haven’t been together long, I’d suggest waiting. No sense in rushing into marriage… it is a huge decision!

Post # 8
10886 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

How long have you known each other? How long have you dated? Do you have any desire to enjoy a longer engagement period of feeling like a bride and having the opportunity to enjoy planning a wedding? Why did you and your FI choose such a compressed timeframe?  The answers to some of these questions may help us provide better counsel.

Post # 9
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Disneygirl54:  Acutally, looking back at your previous posts, you mention you’ve been together, long distance for 12 years on-and off, and that lack of communication “frequently leads to your breakups.”
I don’t think that being busy at work is much of an excuse to not call you for 7-10 days at a time.

I think it’s worth it for him to get his own place closer to you, and to maybe wait until next Christmas to see if you’re truely compatible.

Just because he’s a nice guy, doesn’t mean he’s The One.

Post # 10
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@CakeyP:  +1 Agree. Be engaged, live in the same geographic area for a while, and reassess in six months or so. Rushing is not wise.

Post # 11
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

I second other PPs that you should hold off on getting married. You have been engaged for a week, and you haven’t even been able to be excited over that since you are rushing straight into getting married. I understand the feeling of just wanting to be married, but are you doing it for the right reasons? It seems odd to me that your FI wants to move to your town, get engaged and get married all at the same time. I think the logical thing would be to wait to see what living in the same city with him is like, move in together after a few months if you want, and THEN get married. 

It is extremely difficult to know what a person is like just through phone conversations and texts. It’s easy for someone to pretend to be someone they’re not, and it would be wise to know the “in person” him for a little bit longer before marriage. I have been with my SO for five years (not LD), and I can honestly say that in the past 5 months since we moved in together I’ve learned more about him than I ever knew before. 

Post # 12
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think the rush of it all is giving you cold feet.  I agree with other PPs.  You should wait it out and plan for an elopment for a later time. 

@beetee123:  +1

Post # 13
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Disneygirl54:  why the rush?  maybe you should both take the pressure off and just enjoy your engagement for a while.  you don’t want to miss that stage of the relationship.

Post # 16
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Speaking only for myself, I couldn’t imagine jumping from boyfriend/girlfriend to husband/wife within a 2-week span. The engagement is a transition phase – it’s not simply a tangible transition to others, but also an emotional one (“The Conscious Bride” books and site explain all of that in more detail).

My engagement was 9 months, and I’d say the first 3 – 4 were marked with terror and concern that I might be making a mistake. Fear of the unknown. Fear of making such a definitive decision. While I had always loved my (now) husband, there was an opportunity for an out before marriage. If something didn’t work out, there were other options. Now, I was solidifying my choice. I was taking on the role of wife. It meant that no longer could his family just be the occasional nuisance in the background – but an ongoing, permanent presence in my life, and we had also been together for several years by that point.

The reasons for “cold feet” vary for everyone – but there are even studies into the ideal engagement length. I believe the stats still say that engagements around the 1 1/2 year mark and longer risk never happening, while engagements under 6 months tend to fail too (too much time to plan in the former case, and to mull over every decision; too much stress related to all the big changes in the second category).

In my case, everything worked out – because I had time to do the emotional work necessary to make that transition. Becoming a wife had always been a “maybe” until he proposed – even when we were seriously discussing it. Then it was, “It’s happening.”


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