Cold feet?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

eat45fresh:  I *think* you do have someone to talk about this, and that someone is your FI.  Grab his face, look him straight in the eye, and tell him that the conversation you are about to have with him is important, and you need his input.  Share your feelings, your fears, your reservations.  

I think many people could easily say that 2 months before their marriage, aspects of the relationship were viewed in a different ‘could I handle this for the rest of my life?!’ light.  I think being able to SHARE those feelings with your partner helps, and I think acknowledging the fact that you would not want to sit in silence with anyone else eases the reservations as well.

FWIW, my DH is a ‘yea….’ responder to a lot of day-to-day conversations.  When I need more, I tell him.  When my feelings are hurt, or I thought he was not listening, I tell him (and he often repeats my exact story back to me indicating he was listening, etc!).  And, if I know I want to talk about our relationship, communication, bothersome things, etc, I forewarn him.  We usually tend to remove ourselves from stimulation (TV, computer, projects) in those moments, and sit on our back patio, etc.  That may help 🙂

Post # 3
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

My fiance and I were having (among other things) communication issues. We started couples therapy last night, and after just the one session we both are feeling better. Have you guys done any pre-marriage conseling? Maybe that could help. 

Post # 4
Member
35 posts
Newbee

eat45fresh:  To be honest, youve spent just a year together (I don’t count the 9 mos apart, because its easy to get along with somone when you dont have to see them everyday). IMO a year is not enough time to really get to know someone. You’re still in the romantic love phase. Your reservations are valid. This is a big commitment. Being 22, you’re still VERY young. Do you feel like you’ve experienced enough before settling down with one guy? Has he expressed any of his fears? Does he have any? Couples/solo therapy would be a good place to explore your feelings.

ps. I’m nervous about getting married too. Which is how I researched and found the conscious transitions website. I haven’t paid for the service so I can’t vouch for it completely but after poking around I found I wasn’t alone. 

Post # 5
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

eat45fresh:  I can identify with you on the issue/non-issue of having a quiet man in your life. Mr. H is like that and it can sometimes be frustrating…but that’s when I calmly just tell him: “Mr. H, you’re mighty quiet tonight/today/whenever. I thought you’d have more to say about [topic].” Usually he’s like, “Oh, yeah…I’m just listening.” Which, that’s no more of an answer than before really, lol. But I know he is listening, and I tell him that. But sometimes I have to directly ask him, “Hey, I know you’re listening and that I’m the talker out of the two of us…but what do you think about [xyz]? I’d like to know your thoughts on it.” Usually then he’ll open up once he has been asked directly.

Just sit down and ask direct questions (not yes or no questions) and also let him know why it worries or frustrates you when the conversations seem one-sided. Talk to him, not anyone else, first. If your FI is not someone you can voice your fears and concerns with, then we’ve got a problem. 

And, I hate to go here but you said you wonder if you’re making the right decision: think on what I’m about to ask. How does life without him in it sound to you? I don’t mean that in an ugly way. But, think about your day to day life now and picture it solo (after the initial pain of any breakup). Does it seem fulfilling? Happy? 

Basically, I can’t picture life without Mr. H at this point. But I have had to give myself this mental test with other BFs past, and life without them (as hard as it was to come to terms with it) wouldn’t be terrible. After exhausting all solutions, and it’s still not working, you might want to consider what you want and what you’re willing to ‘live with.’

 

I’m really sorry you’re stuck trying to figure this out. It’s tough.

ETA: +1 to what a PP said; you are still young and this is a big committment. It’s not our place to tell you what’s right for your life, but don’t force yourself or your FI into spending your best years in the wrong relationship. You both sound like awesome people, but maybe this is the point where you realize that you’re either really great together but not ready to get married, or you realize that no matter how wonderful the 2 of you are, it’s not meant to be. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  MrsHalpert.
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