Cold Feet.

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Personally, my husband and I didn’t have any doubts about eachother! Whereas with past relationships we did.  Sounds like there’s some hesitation on his end…

Post # 3
Member
476 posts
Helper bee

The post-abortion period can be extremely traumatic for the father; he ultimately is powerless in this life-altering decision and might only find out about the death after the fact. The stigma against mental health treatment is especially pointed against men – and because abortion is a political football, some professionals have trouble acknowleding the need for treatment even when patients seek it.  I strongly urge you to support your FI in confronting and processing the earlier trauma. Some post-abortive men develop fear and anxiety around the idea of having their SO be the mother of their children – even men who do want kids and deeply love/trust their SO. This can be very hurtful to the SO – but ultimately it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with her SO’s fear of being powerless to protect himself. 

Post # 4
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

There will always be challenges in life and in every relationship — at times, serious challenges. It’s good that you are discussing these, but I would be wary and careful about the line between being supportive, talking things through with him, etc., and convincing him that your relationship should progress. You don’t want to be on the end of trying to persuade your partner to be with you. If he is having doubts, that’s fine and fair for him to communicate that to you, but perhaps this means that you might want to put off moving in together and becoming engaged until he is certain that this is the right relationship for him. For your own part, you should also explore if this is the right man for you. If you can both decide independently that you unequivocably want to spend your lives with each other, you can then move forward. There will still be challenges, but you will hopefully work through them as a team. Good luck, Bee.

Post # 6
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

I think figuring out whether his doubts are truly, at their core, about all of those external things you mentioned (pregnancy, military, etc) or if they are actually about you is key. You said that his doubts aren’t “necessarily” about you — I think you need to figure out for sure one way or the other. If he has doubts or isn’t ready for reasons other than you, I think those are manageable if you are willing to be patient and he is willing to actively try and work through them. If deep down his reasons are masking the fact that he’s not sure about a long-term future with you specifically, that is an entirely different story, and I’m not sure that is something that can be fixed.

I think counseling is a good idea to get to the root of the problem and make sure that your foundation is really as strong as you think it is. If so, then you can come up with solutions or work together through some of the things he’s scared about. And if not, better for you both to have that out in the open sooner rather than later. 

Good luck, bee! There will be a lot of people on here who will immediately say that if he’s not 100% ready to get married RIGHT NOW, that means he never will be and he’s not that into you and you should find someone else. I don’t think that’s necessarily true in some if not most cases. Everyone is allowed to have hesitations and to want to go at whatever pace they are comfortable with — just because one person is a little slower to be ready than another person doesn’t mean the slower person will never get there. Sometimes they won’t, but a lot of times they will. One size does not fit all in this circumstance, and it requires a lot of patience and trust.

Post # 8
Member
2808 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like anytime you guys get close to making a big forward step in your relationship (getting engaged, moving in together), your boyfriend suddenly starts to have all these doubts and your relationship hits a crisis point. That’s not really how it should work in a healthy relationship. The decision to move in together or to get engaged should be a calm, happy one–you should both have total conviction about it. 

The fact that TWICE now you guys have been on the verge of making a serious commitment in your relationship, and both times he’s pulled back at the last second, would drive me insane bee and not instill me with very much confidence about the relationship. It shows that, like many dudes on these waiting boards, he has no problem engaging in hypothetical chit chat about living together or being married, maybe you guys even discuss what you will name your children or where you’ll get married–but when it comes to taking actual action, he is scared shitless and won’t make a move. Not good!

I know he has all these excuses…but at the end of the day, plenty of people in his exact situation have moved in with their girlfriend and gotten married. It is not impossible. The problem isn’t his career or any other external factor…it’s HIM.

 

Post # 9
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like both of you are fairly well ruled by fear. Fear of experiencing the same pain as you have in the past, fear of what-if’s in the future, fear you’re not good enough, etc. 

My advice:

1.) Read/listen to The Power of Vulnerability
2.) Decide you don’t want fear to control your life
3.) Start making a habit of analysing your emotions and identifying the ones that are rooted in fear
4.) Any impulse you had based on fear, do the opposite

This is what this process looked/looks like in my own life. 

SO gets angry and grows distant after an argument. My impulse is to get angry back and grow even more distant. I analyse where this is coming from. Deep down, it’s an attempt to protect myself in the (irrational) off chance that SO’s anger causes him to want to break up. I don’t want to be ruled by fear so I do the opposite. What’s the opposite of fearfully shutting down and creating distance? I move closer to SO, validate his experience, apologize for my role, hug him, etc.

It sounds like your SO could especially benefit from this sort of self-growth process. He seems to experience a lot of self-loathing and self-doubt, which is causing him to lead a very fearful life. If I were you, I wouldn’t want to get engaged until the both of us have made some progress on getting rid of the fearful thinking and could embrace all the coming pressures with open arms. 

Post # 11
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

Did i read it right, that if you guys got pregnant you would consider getting an abortion?
Have you told him this outright or is it something he suspects?

Lots of guys, pro choice included, would have a serious problem making a family with a girl who would consider aborting their kid. Some would not care. Which is your guy? 1. Raised religious – check  2. Former fling had an abortion, which haunts him. check. gee, IDK, What do you think????

Best figure this thing out now. birth control has a failure rate even when you are perfect with it. There was a graph in the NY Times or Wapo or something showing how the longer you use it the more likely you are to have experienced a failure sometime along the line. 

Seriously doubt this particualr guy is going to move in with you or marry you, basically have regular sex with you, if you would seriously deliberate whether you wanted to abort his offspring should he knock you up.  Maybe if you or he got sterilized??? 

Post # 12
Member
26 posts
Newbee

I think you have a great head on your shoulders – you’ve analyzed this situation so thoroughly and rationally. But, I simply wouldn’t move anywhere until he was sure. I moved states to be with my SO and even in good circumstances it’s hard. You’re taking a huge leap for this relationship, physically and emotionally. He needs to at least be taking the emotional leap with you.

Post # 14
Member
563 posts
Busy bee

I think you have to walk the line here between supporting him and giving him time to work through the normal doubts that we all have, and a bit of tough love. Basically he is saying “I don’t want to marry you” and your response is to double up on massaging his ego, telling him what an amazing husband he will be. Kind of rewarding him the behaviour you don’t want. 

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