Post # 1
My fiance and I were raised very differently from each other, and we think differently from each other. Wedding is in nine days. and I am worried if I am marrying the right person. We both work a lot, our families have been stressful, and we are planning a wedding. He doesn’t seem excited to move (although might be that he likes where he is living and it’s time-consuming). He isn’t as affectionate as I wish. We’ve been miscommunicating a lot lately. I love him, but this isn’t how I pictured being engaged (although that is probably warped- no fights, constant romance, etc.) When I get stressed, he helps me put it in perspective, and when I ask for a change, he does make an effort (not perfect but there is improvement). Is this normal?
Post # 3
Well… it’s normal to have a little bit of cold feet. Marriage is a huge committment and shouldn’t be entered into lightly. I think it’s normal to have doubts… no one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. But you have to ask yourself if this man and this relationship is someone/ thing that you can live with, the way it is right now, for the rest of your life. Also, the stress of planning a wedding always puts a strain on things, so keep that in mind. I know for me, as soon as the wedding was over, a huge weight was lifted off of us and we happily went back to normal life.
Post # 4
I think it’s normal for all relationships to have room to grow. You say that he’s supportive and that you can tell that he’s trying- those are good things! It just sounds like you both might be a little bit stressed and overwhelmed by all that is going on in your lives right now. I think you should try to find some time in the next couple of days, even if it’s just for a couple of hours, to take a break from wedding/family/work and RELAX! Book a massage, or a pedicure, or just go grab a book and hit up a coffee shop and take a little personal time out from it all. You will feel better if you can unwind a little and you will be able to put things better in perspective. Talk to your fiance about how you’re feeling too- men are terrible mind readers, and he can’t help you if you don’t tell him what’s going on with you.
As far as not being sure… think about why you wanted to marry your fiance in the first place. Try to remember, and ask yourself if he’s still that person who has those same qualities.
Post # 5
Do you love him? Do you see yourself with him in the nursing home? Can you imagine your life without him?
I wouldn’t say people shouldn’t ever call off their wedding… always better to end things earlier than later if it is wrong. But I’d say the majority of time its probably just jitters. What made you say yes when he proposed? My guess is that you’re just stressing over this MAJOR commitment. 🙂
Post # 6
I have had some issues with depression the past year, so I haven’t been as excited about anything. I tried several medicines, had terrible side effects. Things are doing better- I have been looking forward to more things, but still not the way I used to. Everyone keeps asking me if I am excited for the wedding, and I’m not really. I have been a little emotionally needy, and that is probably making him less affectionate. I guess I thought being engaged was supposed to be easier.
Post # 7
it is hard to have any emotion on-cue. When everyone is watching your every move to see how happy! and excited! you are… it can be draining. As awesome as your wedding will be, as much as you love your husband-to-be… this is only one part of your life.
Post # 8
I think it’s normal to feel that way – especially due to the stress of wedding planning, etc. But, is this a question you think you’ll ask yourself after you get married, too? No relationship is perfect and it takes work and effort. It sounds like you do a good job with communication and the fact that he hears you and makes and effort is obviously very important! I guess what you have to ask yourself is – even with the differences and perhaps lack of romance, is he someone you could see yourself with for the rest of your life. (Notice, I didn’t say “…happy with for the rest of your life.) I really believe that marriage is a choice. You are choosing to love him and be his wife for the rest of your life – with no real guarantee of what you will ‘receive’ in return. It sounds like he respects you and your wishes and tries to make changes with your desire as the end goal. How do you feel when you think about saying your vows to him? Does it scare you and make you want to run? Or does it scare you and make you excited about spending the rest of your life with him – all of him: the good, bad, and ugly! It really does sound, though, that you are both overworked and stressed out and could benefit from just some time together. If you do go through with it, and are planning a honeymoon, perhaps that will be the time where you will rekindle the romance you are craving.
Post # 9
It is, but the stress right before the wedding gets to everyone. I was a mess in the weeks leading up to the wedding.
Post # 10
Is this a one time worry/something you feel after a fight or a real nagging worry that is always with you? You are making a huge life commitment so a little freak out is normal, but if you are really concerned, deep down, that he isn’t the guy for you, you need to find a trusted friend/therapist/someone to really talk this out before you become this guy’s wife…
Post # 11
I’m sorry. I don’t have much advice since I’m still a bit further out so I don’t really know how you should feel nine days until the big day but I can imagine that what you’re feeling is pretty terrifying.
Good luck. You’ll make it through the next week irregardless of what you decide. Things really will be okay.
Post # 12
I’m sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed! As most of the other posters have pointed out, I think it’s normal to have some doubts. The hard part is figuring out whether you’re stressed and anxious and have cold feet, or if there’s a reason your gut is screaming right now.
Being engaged isn’t necessarily supposed to be easier. Was it this hard when you were dating, and you hoped things would change when you got engaged? What role has your depression been playing in your relationship–do you have a foundation from before it got bad, as well as the “look at what we’ve gone through together so far”?
You mention that your FI helps calm you down when you’re stressed and that he helps keep things in perspective. For me, that’s huge. That’s a really really good thing, and something that is really important in my relationship.
Good luck, please keep us posted!
Post # 13
Thanks for all your advice. I started reading the emails from the begining of our relationship. He is so much more affectionate in them. So it’s either…
1. he’s fallen out of love with me (he tells me he hasn’t and still proposed when I wasn’t at my best)
2. the poor guy works 80 hours a week, has little time for his friends and to see me, stressed about a job for next year, and is having to move from a city he really likes to 30 minutes away in the suburbs (he’s not a fan).
Rationally, it’s probably #2, but I think I just need some confirmation that this is normal.
Post # 14
How long have you two been together? I think it’s also normal for couples who have been together for awhile to start to take each other for granted… so they may not be as affectionate after a few years then they were in the beginning. I’ve found that if I need affection, it’s better to start giving it out more as opposed to sitting around waiting for it.
Post # 15
Wedding planning is so stressful! And relationships go through natural ebbs and flows of affectionateness.
That said, here are some things that will help you figure things out:
- How do you respond to stress in general? How does it affect your mood, your outlook on life?
- How do you respond to change? Think about how you’ve responded to both big and small changes in the past.
Then, answer those two questions for your fiance too.
My own answers to these questions made me understand my reactions to getting married so much better. I tend to be very anxious when under stress, and it makes me pessimistic. Also, I panic under change, and get happier once I have adjusted to the change. So getting married on the whole made me panicky and worried that I had made a bad decision. But the longer I am married, the better I feel about my decision. And the same pattern of reactions occurred for me when I made other big decisions (going away to college, moving out for the first time, etc.). I hope you will let us know more of your thoughts. 🙂
That said, I do think it’s normal for many people to feel stressed when they are about to make a big commitment, even if it is a happy one! Let us know
Post # 16
rationally yes it’s #2. But sit down and talk to him. I can see how your depression can take a toll on your relationship–my DH gets depressed once in awhile and I find he really just needs me to leave him completely, 100% alone and let him get through his funk. I always told him that if it starts *interfering* (right now he hits like 3 day stints) with our lvies, children, etc, i’ll make him go see a doctor. It’s hard to be….emotionally involved deeply with someone like that. I know he detaches himself and I’ve tried but it ends up backfiring. Could your FI be experiencing that? Maybe he thinks yhou need your space, not to be coddled a little bit? Or, maybe he just (and i hate saying this, i’m so sorry!) gets tired of feeling like he has to baby you?
It just sounds like there are a LOT of things going on right now and you’re getting the cold feetsies. I had some chilly feet like 2.5 months before and I guiltily mentioned it to him and he was all, “oh that’s normal. I totally expected you to at some point” so just TALK to him about it. Just say that these are things you want to work on AFTER the wedding to make your marriage stronger and that after the wedding is over, you’ll have time and energy to devote to both of your emotional well-beings
Just be 100% sure you do want to marry him.
And it’s normal that men are more affectionate I think in the beginnings of relationships in respect to email. i can’t say i ever get lovey dovey emails anymore, but i used to =]. So try not to read too much into that…but do tell him you miss the affection. He needs to know that and it should come naturally, too. good luck, sweetie, i hope the meds help and you start doing a lot better!