Post # 1
okay im supposed to be getting married in a few months from now but have been having cold feet. I have been thinking about my relationship. Me and my FI get along well but there is a lack of intimacy in our relationship. As a student I have always been busy and thought that the reason for our lack of intimacy was due to me being busy. Until recently i got some attention from someone else and thought to myself that I could be attracted to someone else. This is just horrible. Me and my FI havent had sex in months.. i would say 3-5 times the entire year and we were living in the same place. Should I be marrying this guy. We have been together for 6 years and he is a great guy, treats me well, but i just wonder if this is the way it is or if i just dont have that “spark” for him. I do care deeply for him but i wonder if the grass is greener on the other side.. i feel horrible for thinking this way but i just dont know.. and im getting scared that our sex life wont recover. It is definitely me.. as he tries it on with me and i push him away. Any suggestions? Help needed!
Post # 3
I think the two of you really need to consider counseling. I don’t necessarily think that you like this other person but you feel like you are getting the attention that you wish you were getting from your FI and that it what is making you doubt your relationship. You are your FI need to work on your relationship if you want to stay together (maybe even scheduling sex). I would postpone the wedding until you know for sure.
Post # 4
I’d suggest counselling too. It sounds like you are roommates (who have sex sometimes) more than an engaged couple, which isn’t a nice feeling (most couples do go through these phases but sounds like this has gone on longer than a phase). I’d postpone the wedding, try to be upfront with your FI and really think about what you want.
There’s lots of nice guys out there who’d treat you well…doesn’t mean you should marry them all 🙂 I’m just saying, there’s more to marriage than those things. I don’t believe in soul mates but it really doesn’t sound like you are ready to sign your life away to this man. “The Conscious Bride” is a good read if you would like some other ideas on being engaged and getting married.
Post # 5
okay another complication is that my FI is going away for work for the next few months so I wont be spending any time with him to try and reconcile things and i just feel so embarrased to call things off so late in the game when this has been an issue for years. help!?
Post # 6
@lala1981: There always seems that there is never a good time — but if you want to be together for the rest of your lives you cannot put it off. Although it is hard, it is better to air these things out before the wedding then after.
Post # 7
I was in the exact same situation over 10 years ago. When I finally talked to him about it, he admitted he wasn’t happy, either, and we agreed together to call off the wedding–6 weeks before we were supposed to get married! I brpke up with him a week later, and felt horrible, beating myself up over it for several years. I ran into him this spring, though, and he actually thanked me for seeing what he couldn’t–that we weren’t “it” for each other.
That being said, the physical/intimacy thing was only part of it. I also realized that our different views on spirituality were bigger than I really wanted for myself. But mostly, after months of questioning whether it was just me or whether sex really was supposed to be a bigger part of a couple’s life, I decided to take the chance that it wasn’t just me (my ex-fiance was the first guy I had been with). Turns out, it wasn’t just me, and now I’m engaged to a man who is just as wonderful and good and kind as my ex-fiance, but we are definitely compatible in the intimacy department.
Counseling isn’t a bad idea, at least to help you sort through your thoughts and feelings. Either way, good luck with your decision!