- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 2012
I’ve read these boards a lot but never posted, but I feel like I need to because I have a lot on my mind and I just don’t feel comfortable yet really voicing it to anyone.
I’m getting married in December, and I’m just really nervous about whether I’m making the right choice for myself. My fiance is kind, loyal, honest, smart, funny, responsible, and he tells me all the time how special I am to him. At the beginning of our relationship, I was so incredibly in love with him and sure I wanted to marry him.
He also has a 4-year-old son, who used to only spend a couple days a week with us, and now, due to some outside circumstances, lives with us full-time. We had already made the decision to live together when things changed and we got full custody. He’s a very easy kid, as well-behaved as any 4yo you could ask for, and I don’t mind having him around, but I find myself really really upset whenever I am asked to take care of him alone. Which isn’t often at all — but I know I’ll be expected to do it more when we’re married. And I feel so guilty if I don’t offer to take care of him myself sometimes while my fiance gets some alone time. But I really don’t like doing it!
I also get upset that we can’t get away or take vacations together easily because of his son. My fiance’s mom was kind enough to watch him for 5 days so we could go on the vacation where we got engaged, which was wonderful, but we’re probably not even going to get to have a honeymoon right after the wedding because there’s no one to watch his son. Forget about the cute weekend getaways I enjoyed with past boyfriends.
I also get really resentful that my fiance has been married before, has had a child with another woman, that I won’t be his first anything — I’ve never been married before and have no kids. I’m upset as I plan the wedding that it’s not his first, that he’s been through all this before. I really worry that when I have my own children, I’ll love them more and want to invest a lot more in them, and that’ll be really unfair to his son. But I can’t help it! It’s just the way I feel. His son is the best and easiest stepkid I could ever ask for — I just don’t really enjoy being a stepmom. Plus I get resentful that his son gets the bulk of his financial resources. He makes a pretty good living, but I never get spoiled with gifts or vacations or presents or anything because his son gets all the extra finances. I understand why — it’s just not what I’d pictured for myself.
There are also some other things I’m uncertain about — a lot of “nice to haves” that he doesn’t necessarily have — but then I remember that he makes me laugh, he loves me dearly, he’s a wonderful father, he is honest and loyal and hard-working, and most of the time I am really happy to be with him. I just wonder if I’m being totally insane as the wedding date approaches or if I’m making the wrong decision for all of us, including his son.
How does anyone even begin to figure this stuff out? I just feel awful even saying out loud to someone after all this time that I just really don’t want to marry someone with a full-time kid. I mean, I should have thought about that before we even started dating. I just had no idea what it was actually like. Thoughts? Advice? Please?