Post # 1
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend, who is my best friend, for about 10 years. People tend to balk when they hear how long we have been together, because they can’t understand why we are not engaged or married yet.
Our relationship, like any other, has been rocky at times, mostly because of his bipolar disorder. It took him most of his early 20’s to find just the right combination of medication and a good food-and-exercise regime that keeps him on the “up” side of the disease.
But now, he’s finally feeling great, he’s finished his college degree, and is looking for a job so that he can move out of his parents’ house and get his own life…and finally start our life together.
I love him, and we have of course talked about marriage. But since I feel a marriage is just as much a business partnership as it is a lifelong commitment of love, and since I haven’t been able to see this side of him yet, I told him I want to make sure he can really hold down a job and prove that he will be able to help me support our future household, before we can get married. He is OK with that and is making plans to meet that goal.
The thing is, now that he is finally getting his act together and getting closer to being able to get a job and eventually propose, I am feeling more and more anxious about it. Logically, it would be great to get married to him – who wouldn’t want to marry their best friend? But emotionally I am feeling really commitment-phobic. It’s like I am almost afraid of getting engaged, and I’m not sure why. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m afraid to lose my independence (I’ve been living on my own for 5 years now and LOVE it) or if it has something to do with him.
Has anyone else experienced this type of feeling in relation to getting engaged, and if so, how did you handle it?
Post # 3
Havent been in this situation, but i would think its pretty normal. Getting engaged is a HUGE life changer!!! I think it would be odd NOT to question it to make sure that this is exactly what you want. I suspect you are afraid of the change (ie, losing your independance as you put it) than the actual commitment. Im sure that when the time comes, you will know in your gut what the right path is. Best of luck!
Post # 4
I experienced a fleeting moment of it twice – once after we first went and looked at rings and once in the days after he proposed.
When I experienced the moment of panic, I asked myself “is there ANYthing about him that you would change?” My answer was an absolute “no. I would change NOTHING.” And that calmed me down.
I freaked a bit after the proposal simply because of the situation. FI proposed at the beach and then had to go home the next day, leaving me alone with my extended family all week. I felt very lonely and very disjointed being out of my routine… so I started worrying that I would fail at marriage — not him, but me.
I talked with my mom about my fears and then just decided I’d not worry about my emotions unless they continued AFTER I got home back to FI. The emotions did not continue once I got home; I was INSTANTLY relieved the moment I left the beach to head home lol. I was just all mixed up because I’d been thrown out of my routine and was away from him for the first time in 3 months.
Post # 5
I went thru the same thing. We went looked at rings, and I freaked, what was I doing?! Am I sure I was ready for this?! I never thought this would happen… really, me married!? But I stopped took a step back and thought long and hard. Should I tell him I wanted to wait, or should I let him go because maybe he wasn’t what I wanted?
Then it hit me, I was scared of the unknown, of having such huge changes, or maybe losing myself, but I remembered he brings out the best in me, I’m more myself with him then I am with anyone else. What I was most afraid of was the show we would have to put on a.k.a. the wedding lol.
Would you want to spend forever with him, with or without the legal documents?! Because if the answer is yes, then I think it’s just cold feet. 🙂
Post # 6
Thanks, ladies. I’m glad to know these feelings are not necessarily abnormal!
I was really worried there, but you’re right – I think it may be more about fear of change than fear of marrying my awesome guy.