(Closed) cold feet – is this normal?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Okay first take a big big breather.  Buying a house is probably the scariest thing I’ve ever done.  I had lots and lots of doubts about making it work and the what ifs.  I know that had I been buying a house while being 3 months to my wedding day I’d be freaking out too!  So calm down for a second. 

Now the thinking about the ex-s. I’m going to be honest and last month I ran into two of mine at my brother’s shows (he’s in a band). I haven’t seen them in 4 years.  But there they stood.  I like you thought is this a sign, but it’s not.  I was bound to run into them again at some point.

I have got a little anixous about the wedding but I know that he is right for me.  He and I sound a lot like you and your Fiance.  We balance each other and that’s what you need. You can’t have someone who is like you 100% or you’d drive each other crazy.

I hope this helps!

Post # 5
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

…are we the same person?

Seriously, I went through something very similar to what you’re going through. There was a post about it a couple of months ago where people were saying very similar things, namely “I’ve suddenly realized that I’m going to be dealing with this annoying thing for the REST OF MY LIFE!”

I think what you’re going through and asking those tough questions is completely normal and important. I think the most important thing is to remember why you’re doing this and if you still feel strongly about those reasons. Just having a house/cat/dog isn’t the end all be all and you shouldn’t feel like just because you have those things you now must get married. But to consider a life without your Fiance, consider not having the jaw clicking or the random gifts or what have you…what does that say to you?

ETA: Also, remember to keep the lines of communcation open. If there’s something that really bugs you about your Fiance, let him know in a constructive and loving manner. You’re his Fiance and he loves you, he’ll listen.


Post # 6
1032 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

So normal!

We all have different feelings. I didn’t have cold feet exactly but I DID freak out when I realized what a huge deal it was. That at 30 years old I was saying “this is forever”

Instead of seeing this as a bad thing…I see it as good. It means you are paying attention. It means you realize but a big deal with is

I just have to quote what Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in “Committted”. I don’t know the exact line but to paraphrase…..on the morning of her 1st wedding she had cold feet. She asked her mom is every bride feels this way. The mom said “No, only the ones who are paying attention”     🙂

Post # 8
402 posts
Helper bee

You are totally not alone! I have been happily engaged since April 2009, and with my wedding less than 4 months away, I started getting cold feet only weeks ago. I panicked at first, thinking it MUST be a sign. I was thinking about my ex, and even feeling attracted to him again! I knew I would never want to go back to him, but what I realized was that I was finally facing the reality that I was making the choice to be with one man for life. Like so many brides, it made me acutely aware of every single one of his flaws. It’s like he was walking around with 50 sticky notes attached to him, and on the sticky notes were written each of his flaws, in great detail. 

I’ve embraced these feelings as evidence that I’m really thinking about what I’m doing, like spraguebride said. During the thought process, I remembered the reasons that my ex and I split in the first place, and how much better my fiance treats me than my ex ever did. I have a connection and a comfort level with my fiance that I never had with my ex. 

Thankfully, in recent weeks, I’ve been reminded of all the wonderful, exciting aspects of being married. Comparing committed coupledom to the anguish of being single (in my experience) makes me really ecstatic that I’m going to start a whole new life married to this wonderful guy, and at the same time, life isn’t going to change that much. 

Post # 9
342 posts
Helper bee

You should check out the book Emotionally Engaged: A Bride’s Guide to Surviving the “Happiest” Time of Her Life…it’s about everything you’re feeling, that it’s normal, etc…it’s a great book

Post # 10
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think you are very normal…also let me say that when I do go out for girl time with my single, club loving friends, I find myself wishing I was on the couch with my Fiance..I look around and think “what am I doing here??” lol…

you’ll be fine, you’re just stressed out…anyone who has not gotten engaged, planned a wedding, etc. thinks that this should be such an easy happy process (like in the movies) and its not. Its stressful, tiring, and headache inducing…

and those exes…they’re exes for a reason and I’m sure those reasons are a lot more serious than posture and food chewing…

take a breath and think about your life without him..is it better or unimaginable….

Post # 11
1104 posts
Bumble bee

Very normal! None of what you say sticks out as a “red flag” to me – just regular things that seem ok until you realise they’re forever and suddenly you wonder if you can handle that 🙂 I’d recommend reading The Conscious Bride (there is also a website, http://www.consciousweddings.com I think) which is very good at explaining these feelings. Hopefully it will help you the way it helped me. All the best 🙂

Post # 13
5 posts
  • Wedding: May 2015

So I use to peruse this board like a maniac before I was engaged… and now I came on this board to find people such as yourself and to see what advice others had. Deeky I don’t think most people could even begin to understand what someone like you and I are going through. But I have to ask you if you’ve been able to come to some sort of clarity since you posted about your cold feet? I too am extremely confused with similar feelings and am not sure whether this is normal, whether I’m just being silly and to get over it and grow the hell up (I’m in my late 20’s), or whether this is some serious stuff and I shouldn’t make one more move forward because the path I’m headed down is all just WRONG for me?! I’ve been engaged for almost 4 months now, we have nothing planned yet thank god. Also I find that I avoid telling people I’m engaged, and when I do I don’t feel happy about my future life with him, I feel empty, like I’m losing my life and my independence. I’m so afraid of disappointing and maybe even losing my friends and family (and people can’t say that wouldn’t happen because it absolutely does), of hurting the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my life and whose been completely there for me for the past 7 years of our relationship, of making the wrong decision to leave or stay… I hope you get this message because I’d like to hear more about your situation.

Post # 14
2000 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Don’t be too worried about the fact that you’ve thought about calling off the wedding — I’m the girl who gave the ring back to her fiance with 2 weeks to go! I could definitely imagine it, and I knew that life would go on if we broke up. Honestly, I think that there’s nothing wrong with being able to imagine these things.

I am not one who believes that there is only one right person for everyone. Everybody has flaws, and you would probably feel this anxious no matter who you were marrying. To me it really sounds like you’re just freaking out a little about making a lifetime committment. I would just examine yourself and see if you’re ready to do that. From the sound of things, you have a very solid relationship with your Fiance. No matter what decision you make, you need to make it 100 percent. If you decide that you are ready to make a committment, don’t look back. Remind yourself every day why you love this man. Look past the flaws. In adversity, turn toward each other instead of away from each other. I truly believe that committing day after day is what makes a marriage last!

Please keep us updated! <3

Post # 15
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

Hmm, I think I’m going to address both Deeky and Lost Fish here. First of all, yes, it’s completely normal to have cold feet. Deeky, I know you said you’ve been with your Fiance for 7 years, but you’re right! Being engaged is an EXTREMELY stressful time! And planning a wedding is a hugely stressful time as well!

With that said, my husband and I bought our home in September…two years after we were married. And that was huge for us…and again, very stressful! Right now, I think you’re taking on a ton of big things all at once, and they’re all very grown up things that will leave you with lots of responsibility. Who doesn’t wish they could go back to the carefree days of just hanging out with friends and no responsibilities? Getting married, owning a home and having a career is full of responsibilities and things that tie you down to a particular location, and it’s totally scary!

I think you need to take a step back from the wedding planning and spend some time with your guy. You said above that you guys don’t have as much fun anymore. Do something that you used to do in the beginning of your relationship that you couldn’t get enough of to maybe jumpstart the “fun” side of the relationship again.

As for your comment about “losing” your family and friends Lost Fish, I can say that it’s not true. By getting married, I think that I gained a family and a ton of friends. All of our friends still hang out together, and just because you’re married doesn’t mean you lose your sense of individuality. Your partner fell in love with you while you were single and independent. That happened most likely b/c you’re a great person, and he saw how much you loved yourself and who you were. You don’t have to lose that just because you’re getting married…and you don’t have to lose that if you decide that your current Fiance isn’t the right person for you.

I wish both of you the best no matter which decision you make. I do think cold feet are normal, but if the negatives are outweighing all of the positives in your relationship, the negatives aren’t going to magically get better after you’re married.

Post # 16
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Deeky, if I were in your shoes I’d feel the exact same way (I am very close to it, and I certainly didn’t just buy a house!).  I gotta agree with TwoPeesinaPod, you need to have fun together!  If you aren’t having fun together, there’s less chance of remembering all the things you love about him.  All I can do is offer how I deal with similar problems.

I know I could live without my guy (even if that is financiall improbable right now) and our decision to be monogamous put me through the fear of only him forever that I recognize in you.  It’s so scary! 

To make it easier, I make time to do nicer things together (it’s tough with tight schedules but so worth it!).  I breathe and remind myself of why I chose him and why I continue to choose him.  When I fantasize about the freer single life, I also remind myself why I hated it.

There are still faults of his that give me pause and doubt, but there’s nothing I know now that I didn’t know before he proposed.  If they really start to concern me more, I will talk with him and make fresh decisions. 

Good luck to you!

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