- 4 weeks ago
I don’t have anyone in real life to talk to about this. My wedding is in a month and I’m not feeling 100%.
We’ve been together for three years. He’s a great guy, but lately I have felt like a roommate. No intimacy (sex maybe three times so far this year). He doesn’t have any hobbies really, but isn’t interested in mine. I have goals for my main sport, which includes travel. He’s cool with that but isn’t interested in learning/travelling with me. Next year is a bucket list goal that will take up a lot of my vacation. I catch myself thinking it would be nice to be with someone who understands and shares my passion. But I know it’s important to have a life outside of your relationships too.
However, what’s really getting me is this…
He was with his ex for 7 years. When we moved in together two years ago I realized he had a ton of her stuff still. I figure, ok it’s seven years of accumulated junk, but they’d been broken up for two years already. He shut down when I brought it up, got angry with me for saying I’m not moving in with his ex girlfriend’s crap (let alone physically lugging her stuff into my new home), etc. It was really weird and I should have just dealt with it then, but like I said, he shuts down and gets angry at the mention of her. I eventually convinced him to donate all of it (mostly shoes, clothes, purses), but he was really defensive of her at the time. He didn’t understand why I put my foot down, he thought I shouldn’t care. I also found out she still had a relationship (limited, just FB friends and say hi at holidays) with his mom. Anyway, I guess that all got swepped under the rug and here we are.
A couple weeks ago I had a voicemail from the ex. It didn’t say much, just her name but no number. So I asked my fiance about it, and if he knew why she would be calling me. He immediately got confrontational/angry/defensive. I absolutely was not confrontational, just curious at this time. I decided against his wishes to send her a FB message, which was quite cheerful, just saying I didn’t know her number but did she need anything? Never heard from her again, basically forgot about it, until his mom lets him know that his ex was confused because I had sent her a message. Basically it sounded to my FMIL like I was stirring up trouble, because the ex denied reaching out to me in the first place. Meanwhile my fiance is yelling at me, saying I ruined his Sunday for daring to bring this up again, and why on earth am I still thinking about it. I wasn’t thinking about it until I found out that his mom and ex were chatting about me behind my back.
So anyways. He’s not an angry person. Like ever. Only in these two times when his ex has been brought up have I seen him fly off the handle. I am a generally calm person, so when I argue I tend to need to have a conversation – he is not a conversational person when he’s angry. Yesterday I had to just walk away because we were not seeing eachother’s side nor were we communicating effectively. I took the dog out for a long walk and then went to bed. He slept on the couch last night and left for work before I got up.
I have a huge wedding bill to pay today – the venue. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m hesitating. Why? Because of some ex from years and years ago? Or because of his reaction to his ex being brought up? I don’t know. It sounds absolutely insane for me to cancel the wedding and break up doesn’t it? It’s only a month away – I would hurt a lot of people, like my family who are flying from Europe. But one part of me says run away – live abroad – be free.
Is this pre wedding “cold feet?”