Post # 1
I’m planning on getting married in june and we got engaged in feb. We have been together just over a year. We liked eachother for 6 months before we got together. This is a post mainly to help me get my thoughts out and to get input.
I’ve got cold feet. I love my FI and I can see us together longterm. I see us with kids. I’ve got cold feet because I feel like I am running on his time schedule. He’s been asking me to marry him since we got together. He says he just knows I’m the one. I know hes the one too, hes my bestfriend. I always said I wanted to be together 2 years before we got married, but I feel he convinced me to do it earlier. If I look at the facts it wasn’t just him, i told him I was ready for him to propose. The wedding date is alot faster than I wanted but I agreed. I’ve even started booking things for it. Emotionally i feel pushed. He’s asked me if i want to cancel the wedding, says we can put it off whenever I get alittle panicked. This idea fills me with dread not relief, so I’ve not let him do that either.
Everything was going fine, I was still getting cold feet on some days. Wondering if we are doing the right thing, is it too fast? Will we last? What if we fall out of love? I just don’t want that to happen. I want to be with him forever, but i can’t predict the future, or mine or his future feelings. What if? I know I can’t live my life what if, but i feel as if, if i never get married then I can never get hurt or divorced. I know i shouldn’t be thinking about divorce but its may nature to think of all possible out comes so i can be prepared. Even the fact I have cold foot is freaking me out, why do i have cold feet? is it because this is not right? but I know I love him and I don’t want to be apart. Hes my one. He’s also the best person I’ve ever been with, he loves me soo much and would do anything for me.
I think what triggered my fears again was that 3 of my bridesmaids just dropped out of the wedding yesterday and I still don’t have a dress!! So I’m upset and stressed about this stuff too. I am pretty sure I want to marry him, I’ve been almost engaged before to someone else (6 years ago) and I called everything off before it got too far, as i knew it wasn’t right. I’ve never regretted it. but with my FI i allowed him to get a ring, we’ve booked a reception hall and other stuff. So i know its different. Then I worry I’m doing this because I don’t want to be alone and if i break it off i’ll never find anyone as good as my FI ever again. I don’t even want anyone else. The bottomline is i could cancel it, hes even said its ok but I don’t want to do that either. Do you think I’m just worrying too much?
Post # 3
Yep lol. I can get into that frantic what if mode sometimes. It’s pretty overwhelming. Commitment is scary. Any change is scary. Just relax and take a few days off from wedding planning and spend a little quality time with your FI. My guess is that you’ll have loads of fun together and you’ll remember all the reasons why you want to marry him.
Post # 4
I think as women we tend to over think things ALOT. ut in you post you’re saying that you feel “emotionally pushed.” That’s not a good way to start this marriage. i think you should think long and hard about why you feel the way you do.
We all take risks in life but you need to have faith that your FI and you can do it, make it through the hurdles and succeed in this relationship. We all feel the scare of OMG “i’m getting married.” To be honest, I feel it too sometimes but my FI and I have had our highs and our really lows.
Just have faith and embrace the wedding. Just go with the flow and enjoy it!
Post # 5
It seems like you have a lot of anxiety about the wedding and marriage in general swirling around, but are sure about your FI and that he’s the one for you. That, to me, is good.
Engagement isn’t just about taking time to plan a wedding, it’s when we consciously adjust to the idea that we’re about to be partnered for life. Marriage as a concept can take some getting used to, so I wouldn’t hesitate to ask for more time if that’s what you need to really think through your anxieties and address them properly. Have you considered seeing a counsellor (alone or with your FI), to talk through these feelings?
I had a lot of the same fears, and it helped me to remember that 99.9 percent of your marriage is within your control as a couple. Provided you take the time and energy to really work on the foundation of your relationship, the inevitable hard times won’t pose a threat.
It was also helpful to remember that, yeah, never getting married means never getting hurt. But it also means you’ve let fear determine a major part of your life.
Post # 6
Thanks for the advise, We are currently taking a few days break from wedding planning as I am so upset over loosing my bridesmaids. They are my bestfriends and sadly now can’t make it. So i feel alittle shaken over it. I think I need to sit down with him and really talk about my feelings. I’m going to write it all down so i can really have a good talk with him. If I’m going to marry him in june, its important I have the same confidence in us that he does, It’s important that it is my decision to marry and I’m ready.
Post # 7
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know you have had to call off an engagement before, as I just did. So, you understand what the ‘it doesn’t feel right’ feelings are.
This sounds like a lot of anxious worrying. If you’re asking yourself future questions like ‘what ifs’ and ‘shoulds’, then that is your anxiety at work. That doesn’t mean it’s right to marry, or wrong, but it just means this is you and not so much him. Have you checked out ‘The Conscious Bride’ or ‘Emotionally Engaged’? Both have websites that might help you. Perhaps see if there is a counselor you can go to, by yourself, to sort out why you are feeling this way?
Also, if you feel like it’s going too fast, maybe it is. Have you discussed postponing until you feel ready/secure? There is no shame in that. Why go in feeling uncertain and anxious?
Lastly, take some time to just breathe. List reasons why you love your Fi and why this is right (or wrong) for you at this time. Best wishes.
Post # 8
The language you use to describe the situation worries me. “I am pretty sure I want to marry him” and “I allowed him to buy me a ring”. Doubts are very natural but you seem to be very confused and like you are going along with it to make him happy. Be sure you are also making yourself happy. A lot of people have recommended The Conscientious Bride. I have checked it out when I had doubts myself and it helped. Taking a break from wedding planning to just enjoy each other is a great idea as well. Good luck.
Post # 9
@mrstatas I worry myself, am I doing this just to make him happy? I feel like i have in my mind created a situation where i feel hes pushing me into marriage. The dumb thing is i know that hes not, but he asked me sooo much last year, and i said no no no, im not ready. Then we went though some tough times, including moving in with eachother, visiting my home country and spending a week with his parents staying with us. I guess one of the things I didn’t say is we are from different countries and as of june if we are not married i have to return home as my job ends. I’m looking for a new job though and i hope i find one. I would still marry him, just would be nice to have that piece of mind thats its 100% for love and not because we fear being seperated. For the record, I’m not doing this just to stay, I love him and i want to marry him, I’m also ok to go back to my country. I just don’t want to be seperated for 8-9months while i would be trying to get a visa for him to come to me or visa versa. I think im stressing because there is soo much on my plate to deal with.
Post # 10
That website the conscious bride made me feel alot better. Fear doesn’t mean its not right. I will definitely talk to FI and get some premarital counseling
Post # 11
Hey I am a June 18 bride too!
I am getting cold feet too. I was full of energy when I started planning my wedding back in Nov, 2010. Bit now I am like : whatever…who cares about the details as long as WE are happy together.
At some point I kept wondering if this is the right time to go into marriage. I am only engaged for half a year, I just got a new job, I haven’t start my master degree program, I don’t want to have kid in about 1 or 2 years….etc.
But I know I want to marry him and why waste my time stressing out?
Talk to him and let him know how you feel. Everything will work out eventually. Sometimes we just think too much and overlook the big picture.
Post # 12
I think cold feet is pretty normal, I feel like women are discouraged from talking about it. It is a huge change in your life and a HUGE commitment. I think I will always have cold feet hehe. I never even wanted to get married until I met my FI so I know how you feel. But, I can’t see myself with anyone else so I know it’ll be okay. It’s been 6 years together for us and I still get excited when I know I get to see him. If you know in your heart you’re supposed to be with him, everything will work out…at least that’s my theory. Happy planning!
Post # 13
Thanks bees, I feel alot better. I was freaking out on sunday. When I dissected why i realised its not just about my FI. I do have cold feet, and every now and then it would come up but we were planning the wedding and I was excited about it. Not just the wedding, the whole thing. Then on sunday i hear that 5 of my closest friends, who have been my friends for almost 10 years aren’t going to make it. Three were bridesmaids. They just can’t afford the long flight.
This made me sad as i feel i need them there, and its hard to imagine getting married without them there. I cryed all day sunday and panicked about the wedding. My FI is the best, he cut his groomsmen down to 1 and told me if i want to change the date we can. I’m not sure i do as his family and my family are flying out too and they have their flights already. It would be unfair to ask them to do this again in a few months. At the same time if i can’t do it we could just do something small here and big things in our home countries. FI is being very supportive and giving me space to grieve my bridesmaids, so we are not talking about wedding stuff for a few days. I still want to sit don with him in a few days and talk about all my concerns.
Post # 14
It sounds like there is a lot of stress going on right now which might make you think you aren’t ready to be married. But like some other bees, I am worried about the language you use – probably, etc.
What if you got married or had a ceremony in your home country – that way your best friends could be part of your day? It doesn’t have to be elaborate, even just a small dinner party but then make it a “wedding” by hiring a photographer and spending the day getting ready with your girls. That might make you feel better about your friends being part of your day.
Remember, this isn’t just a wedding, it’s a lifetime of commitment and if you’re afraid you’re rushing things, that is something you might want to look into. I would suggest some kind of marriage counselling. Best of luck!! Hugs!
Post # 15
The language issue some people talked about worried me. I thought about it and I don’t think its a big deal, its how I talk. Always careful and I do say things like I think so, or probably. I say this about everything in my life, I think i want to do this with my life (career wise), I probably want to live x-place etc…. If there is a risk in the decision I am careful.
I had a talk with FI last night about my fears, I even asked him why he wanted to marry me? I really want to know his motivation. He says because he loves me and is confident we are good together. I agree with that, we are great together. I told him I not sure I’m ready. He said I can postpone till I’m ready no consequences. He’ll still love me and we will be together. I said I would think about it. We also talked about what we both wanted from marriage in respect to family, each other, work, home everything. He had thought alot about it, this is not a light thing for him. I thought it was…. Because i was freaking out and he wasn’t. It was a great talk, he’s the one and I love him sooo much.
So here we are I can postpone if i want…. but I don’t want to postpone, I’ve not told him this yet. I don’t want to postpone though…. Even though my best friends aren’t here for this marriage, we will do something later on in my home country too. So now I just want to hear your thoughts.