Cold feet or calling it off?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Ugh, I’m so sorry. This must be so stressful. 

Listen to your gut. Not what you *want* your gut to say, but to what it’s really telling you. Tell your FI that you need him to get his feelings together and give it to you straight.

Again, UGH. Big hugs to you!!!!

Post # 4
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Sorry, computer lost its mind…

Post # 6
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think you should definately cancel (or postpone) the wedding. It sounds like he is really confused about what he wants. I honestly don’t think it sounds like he wants to break up, but I do think he is getting cold feet about taking this next big step.

Only you and your fiance can decide how much effort you want to put into your relationship and if you both want to fix it and take the next step forward.

Post # 7
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

hmmm, he is def blowing a bit hot and cold there. But my thoughts are, he saw you getting all excited (as brides-to-be do!) realised that he wasnt feeling the same (not that many grooms would be excited about venues.flowers etc!) and started panicking as he didnt feel the same.

But thats over logistics of the wedding rather than it being a you and him thing. Being down and depressed can make ppl over think things too and i think maybe thats what he has done here.

I would halt all wedding talk for a week or two (hard i know!) and have some room to breathe and think clearly

If after that he is still blowing a bit hot and cold then you will probably need to have the ‘where the hell are we going’ convo

 

Post # 8
Member
929 posts
Busy bee

@metoo2:  Organise to see counsellor, this way both of you get to talk things through, but there’s a impartial third party there too to help you both get a better insight to what’s going on personally and in the relationship. 

Post # 9
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Get into a marriage counselor ASAP. Your insurance will probably cover a number of sessions each year and they can help the two of you identify why there is such a backh and forth. It may still end, but at least you will know you are making the right decision in the end. And, the skills you learn in counselling now, will be with you for your marriage (to him or someone else) and will be helpful.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It sucks the big one, but it doesn’t sound like you are too far gone or unable to salvage your relationship. Focus on the love you have for one another and talk to someone who can give you another perspective.

Post # 10
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My FI was hot and cold throughout. He’s not a very emotional person and thus isn’t capable of feeling the same range of feelings as I do, and similarly, he also said that he wasn’t sure if he’s supposed to feel more. he threatened to break up the engagement a couple of times, and I felt awful every time.

 

I recommend that you guys sit down and write down all the reasons why you WANT to get married to each other. Chances are, those reasons are really, really strong and really valid. It might just be that he is caught up in the lack of emotion and taking that as a bad sign. Well, marriage is like that. It’s mostly pretty mundane with spikes of highs and lows here and there. However, if the reasons you had for getting married still seem very solid, are based in the values you hold, then focus on the positive in your relationship. 

 

Marriage is about making a commitment every to work things out no matter how good or bad things are. If your FI is willing to work it out, chances are you, you’re still good!

Post # 11
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee

@metoo2:  You poor thing! What a difficult thing to deal with!!! You need to determine whether he keeps taking back his cold feet because he really can’t live without you, or just because he sees how much it hurts you.

I definitely reccomend seeing a councilor to help him sort out his feelings. I wouldn’t cancel anything just yet. Give it a month or two and don’t talk about it for a while just concentrate on yourselves. After that, see where you are.

Good luck to you!

Post # 12
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@metoo2:  I am sorry you are going through this.  I don’t think anyone call tell you whether to leave or to stay.  What I will say is you need to do is figure out  what you want to do (leave, stay, work it out, etc.) and follow through with it.  Stop letting him make decisions for your life.  He will never make a decision-because you are not requiring him to. 

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