Post # 1
So I guess the title kind of explains how I’m feeling… Up until a couple weeks ago, I was so excited about getting married and planning my dream wedding, but then something changed. And I don’t know what exactly happened, or when it happened, but now I’m so scared that this isn’t right. I’ve been with FI for 4 years, and we’ve definitely had our share of problems along the way, yet I feel like everytime we hit a bump, it was me fighting for us. Now we’ve hit a bump, and I’m sick of fighting. FI and I have talked and he said he’ll do anything to make it work, we just both need to try harder to put each other first, but I almost feel like it’s too little too late. He also said he feels like he showed up to the fight 4 years too late. Should we really be having these problems at this stage in our relationship? 4 weeks before our wedding? When I think of how long things have been stale, for lack of a better term, it feels like it’s been way too long. However, I was in nursing school up until a couple months ago, so maybe not being preoccupied with something else has really brought a light onto our relationship. His job hasn’t changed, so he’s still preoccupied with other things.
As much as I would love to just postpone things or cancel things until further notice, it just feels like it would be sooo much easier to go through with everything. Everything has been paid for, I just had my bridal shower, I’ve already had my bachelorette party, the honeymoon is paid for, it’s just too much. And I don’t know if I’m just getting jitters of some kind, or if this is a sign that it’s just not right, I just know that I’m not happy. He knows that I’m not happy, and I can see that he is trying harder, but I just don’t know if anything will help.. He’s a great guy, and I really do love him, which makes this so much harder. I would hate to call things off and then regret it as the biggest mistake of my life. I don’t have enough time to make a logical decision, and I feel like even if I postpone things, it’s going to hurt him just the same. I feel like no matter what I do, I’ll be letting down so many people. I don’t even have anyone that I can talk to about it besides the girls I work with… The only problem with that it that they’re all quite a bit older than me and are all divorced. All of my other friends are mutual friends…
I’m just so confused and I feel like I’m stuck. I could really use some insight from an unbiased onion.
Post # 3
@pizza129: What have the issues in your relationship been? Are they dealbreaker-type issues such as unfaithfulness or abuse? Or are they workable?
Every couple goes through ups and downs that are normal. To be able to advise, I need more details, if you don’t mind sharing.
I would recommend speaking to a counselor if you feel these are serious issues between the two of you and you decide to go through with the wedding.
Don’t go through with it for the wrong reasons. Forget about the money and other people’s disappointment for a minute.
Think about YOU. What do you want for your life? Do you see this man as being the love of your life and your best friend? Can you imagine wanting to spend many, many years by his side every single day?
I hope you will provide more details, otherwise, I wish you all the best in coming to a decision. ((HUGS!!)) I know this can’t be an easy thing to face.
Post # 4
Well I understand that feeling…if you feel like you are the only one trying to hold things together, it’s only natural that you would get tired of that feeling when faced with the lifelong prospect of being put in that position. Withuot more details, it’s very hard to say if this is something you’re just feeling or if it is a huge, legit concern (ie, does he shut down, disengage when there is trouble and leave you to fix everything). You might want to try couples counselling right now, or just go to a therapist for an emergency session and tell her/him your concerns. They can really help put things in perspective as they have seen a lot of couples and behavior patterns. If you feel comfortable with this as well, perhaps you can talk to your priest, imam, etc as well. In the meantime, just be honest with your friends, family, FI…maybe decide the level of detail you want to let them know but just say “I’ve been feeling like this for a while because of X and I am kind of questioning our future together at this point” that way you can lay the groundwork perhaps if you want to postpone things. Don’t feel bad about postponing or stopping a wedding though, you should never take lifelong vows to someone if you truly dont want it.
Good luck! *HUGS*
Post # 5
No real advice, just sorry you are feeling this way. Best wishes whatever you decide!
Post # 6
So sorry to hear. It’s hard to give advice without knowing specifics of what you are fighting about. ALl I can say is that don’t go through with it because it’s been paid for. Divorces are much more expensive then the costs of calling off a wedding.
Post # 7
Hugs to you. Relationships are always work, and they have their ups and downs. It it’s hard to advise without knowing the issues. There is a good chance you are overwhelmed from all the planning. Only you know for sure. It has been my experience that 95% of relationship problems are a communication break down. My FH and went through something similar about a year ago. I felt like every time we had issues I was the one to accept responsibility and try to fix it. This made me extremely resentful, and of course his point of view was completely different. We bought a book cashed communication miracles for couples. WOW! It transformed the way we speak to each other, and that transformed our entire relationship. We were at a breaking point, and this was a last ditch effort for us. We read a chapter together out loud each night, and practiced it. It is an easy read, and the title couldn’t be more fitting. in the last 6 months, we have been under a tremendous amount of stress, and we have fought twice. Both times we realized there was joint responsibility, and poor communication. We are greeting ready to read the book again, as a refresher course. I highly recommend it, to anyone in a relationship, it truly is a miracle. Good luck, and I hope you find peace.
Post # 8
Only you can know if its cold feet. I think that from what you have told us, it does sound like just cold feet. You say you’ve been excited up to this point, clearly the 2 of you had a fight and that brought on these feelings, its completely normal to have some feelings like this. is this just nerves or stress from the planning? Was it brought on by a fight? if its brought on by a fight, my opinion is you never end a relationship based on a fight, if the fight is due to underlying issues then figure out what those issues are and see if they are workable, if not then split up.
Post # 9
It does sound like cold feet. Your about to make a huge committment. Its stressfull and its always hard to know if its right!
I would say just take a day or two to really sort through your feelings. See if these are new concerns. THinkg about the joy you had in getting engaged and the wedding planning and try to remember that. Try to remember why you wanted to marry him in the first place.