- 3 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
For the past few days, I’ve been walking around trying to get my head around this issue and I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
My FI is a great guy, he’s had more than a few bumps in the road but overall he’s a good fit for me. He doesn’t mind that I make more money than him, he’s not overly chauvinistic, and he’s really emotionally supportive and helps around the house. He’s been one of the sweetest guys to me, he took care of me for 2 months when I was sick, on more than one occasion spent his last dollar to surprise me with something nice, and he’s got a great heart.
One of our biggest issues is the fact that he’s a spender like down to the last 5 cents in his account type until the next paycheck on everything and anything, especially video games. I’m also a spender; but, I keep myself to if I can’t eat it, or use it at/for work it normally (80% of the time) doesn’t get bought, except for vacations. We’ve taken steps to get his debt under control and so far we’re doing ok; but, there have been moments when I’m just completely frustrated and flabbergasted with his spending habits, especially when half the time he spends money on food out (gas stations, mcd…), and doesn’t remember what he bought when going through bills. All things considered, we have a good relationship and he’s nothing like my father – or so I thought.
The more I think about the whole money issue the more I starting to see how he acts very much like my father, and I like my mother. It has me really starting to worry about the potential for resentment. I grew up with two parents that were pretty well off, went to private schools etc.; but, my father always had some get rich quick scheme and had a tendency to buy more than he could afford. My mom’s statement was and continues to be “that’s why I go to work every day”. And she’s spent the majority of her existence bailing my father out of some “great idea” he had or something he “had to buy”. I and my siblings spent most of our childhood trying to figure out why they wouldn’t just get divorced because he treated my mom so poorly. My father is the quintessential “X is men’s work, Y is women’s work”, “women are supposed to cater to me because I’m a man” type. And that was working well for him I guess until my mom started making more money than him which I think started more of this crazy spending on his part, where I recall as a teenager my father telling me how bothered he was that my mother was hiding money from him.
So here I am about to get married and as we’ve slowly started combining finances, I’ve started feeling really uncomfortable and have started offsetting NOT HIDING money. It’s for the wedding, but at least twice I’ve had to dig into it to cover our credit card because I hate carrying a balance. My FI understands I don’t like debt; but also, feels like carrying a balance isn’t a big deal and debt is no biggie. He knows about my “daddy issue” when it comes to money, and my father is really not is favorite person. We’ve talked about how his spending makes me feel and he’s promising to do better. And to some degree he really has, working more hours and if he stays to plan his credit card will be paid off by this December. But I’m scared I’m turning into my mother and he won’t stay out of debt.
The whole thing has me wondering is this just cold feet or something else? When I talk to my mom, her statement is that “it’s only going to get worse” whether talking about money, how it takes him a couple days to fold and put away clothes, or how he will leave dirty dishes on the counter. My friends seem to have their own issues so I can’t really get much help from them. I know there’s no one else I’d rather be with, I’m just worried about the risk of being in debt.