Cold Feet or something else (Vent)?

posted 3 years ago in Money
  • poll: Cold Feet or something else?
    Cold Feet : (3 votes)
    18 %
    Something Else : (14 votes)
    82 %
  • Post # 4
    Member
    1838 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    i don’t think it’s weird to have a problem with the fact that your FI doesn’t seem to have a problem with being in debt.  i couldn’t deal with that.

    Post # 5
    Member
    845 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @gemchick82:  Disagreeing about money is one of those issues that can really tear a couple apart or contribute to a very unhealthy relationship, as you’ve seen. It’s REALLY good that you are thinking about this NOW, rather than after the wedding. But engagement is really a good time to work on these issues. If your FI is not willing to work on financial issues as a team, you SHOULD be questioning what your future with him would really look like if no changes to his spending habits were made. 

    Have you sat down together and talked about financial goals? Like paying down big debt from school? Getting new cars? Buying a home? Having kids? Does you career path fit with those goals? How can you change current spending habits to be better savers?

    Once that’s been discussed, working on individual and joint budgets will be really important. Use a budgeting tool like mint.com or, my favorite, youneedabudget.com. For many people, saving money does not come easy and strict budgets are needed. 

    For us, the whole concept of living on a budget is not just “oh we’re saving money now, so no more ‘fun’ purchases.” It’s really changed our whole lifestyle. We cook as much as we can from scratch, buy in bulk at discount stores, eat out only a few times a month, treat our “stuff” with better care so we can make everything last as long as possible, we bike or take the bus to avoid paying for gas/parking, wait to see movies as rentals, don’t have cable, and don’t buy new clothes unless absolutely necessary, and entertain friends at home, rather than going out. It seems depressing, but it’s all worth it because we’ve met savings goals and continue to look forward to meeting new ones. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    2302 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    yeah you’re not being unreasonable at ALL. 

    i’d sit him down with his bills, debt and current account balance. i’d go over how much he makes and the fact that he literally has nothing to show for it. 

    emergency money if one of you got fired? sick? retirement fund, tax free savings account?etc? he should have that. that’s part of being a responsible adult and caring for your loved ones. (IF you can afford it, and it sounds like he can, he just has bad spending habits). 

    then i’d make an appointment with a financial advisor for both of you and i’d explain that since you grew up watching a marriage deteriorate over money, it’s important to you that you and HE are responsbile with money and have similar expectations and goals regarding your finances. then go to the appointment with all your statements – he may listen more carefully when a professional explains how much $ he is wasting, and what he COULD have if he was more responsible. 

    i’d never ever marry someone who didn’t have their financial shit in order – and that doesn’t mean rich – that means ‘i don’t spend more than i have’

    Post # 7
    Member
    1112 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @gemchick82:  I think you have a perfect right to be worried.  Money issues are the #1 reason fro divorce. And you mum is SOOOO right. Marriage doesn’t make anything better.  It just solidifies what you have, and in some cases gets worse.

    My FI makes more than me, and is better than I am. And it inspires me to be better. Because I want to contribute to our future, not take away from it. I know that if i were in your shoes, i’d want my FI to be on the same page. 

    Trying is good. But all the trying in the world doesn’t pay the bills, and it sounds like he isn’t even doing much trying. 

    It sounds like you’ve talked about it. But have you been as blunt as saying it’s making you question a life with him? He may need to hear that reality check to pull his head from the sand. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    845 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @gemchick82:  Are you in agreement about what is necessary vs. what is not? Maybe he needs to switch to a cash-only system, in that he never leaves the house with a debit/credit card and only has a set amount of cash to spend each day/week. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    1242 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    @gemchick82:  I think your FI needs to go to a financial planner and learn how to budget. Most men I know, as in a lot of my friends husbands, boyfriends. FIs, etc., tend to have this trait as well. They are not good at saving and they don’t see the overall picture.

     

    Post # 11
    Member
    497 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    It sounds like he’s being really irresponsible and needs to grow up a bit. I can say this, because I used to be the spender. After discussing things with my fiance I have realised that things like being able to buy the house we want and to provide for future kids are more important than the little impulse things I want now. 

    Also, you are right about carrying a balance on credit cards. Why give away your hard earned money when you don’t have to? The interest may seem like just a little here and there, but it adds up. 

    You need to sit down and discuss what you both want your future fiancial goals to be and realistically how you can get there. Chances are, he’s never thought about it and doesn’t realise what it takes for a house, savings, retirement, colleage funds etc. What if something unexpected happens? 

    If he just doesn’t have a head for money he should just admit it. Discuss what seems like a reasonable amount for he to have for his fun money and let him keep that in his bank account. It might help him learn to budget. I know a big part of my problem was that I never had to learn to budget when I was growing up. My parents mostly just bought stuff for me and I never really learned to budget. Get rid of the credit cards, because that’s just a recipe for disaster. You should take over management of the rest until he can be more responsible. I would avoid a joint account until he can prove that he can manage his money better.

    Post # 12
    Member
    528 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @gemchick82:  It sounds like a tough situation and I understand your fears about becoming your parents. It is important to remember, though, that you are not doomed to repeat their mistakes; and that you are not your mother and your FI is not your father, even if your behaviors seem similar right now. 

    I think you should talk to your FI candidly about all of this. I also think you should tell him that you’ve had to dip into the wedding fund to cover his credit card. Illustrate for him that when he doesn’t control his compulsive spending, there are other things that suffer as a result. Because he overspent and you had to use wedding money to cover it, those are dollars you don’t have to spend on decorations/flowers/food/booze at your wedding. I think there’s a cause-and-effect in your joint finances going on that he may not be aware of if. 

    Telling him about the wedding money may help to drive home the point that his spending on small things now may seem insignificant, but it will hurt him – and you now that you’re getting married and combining finances – in the future. Sometimes you have to cut out some of the daily creature comforts (Starbucks everyday, buying a new video game the day it comes out) so that you can save for big things, like a down payment on a house, a new car, vacation, rainy day fund, you name it. It sounds sort of basic to say it, but I think it’s really hard for people (myself included!) to make that realization…that if you want the big things sometimes you have to give up a few everyday small things. 

    I think you should talk to him about it all, especially the wedding money spent to cover his spending, and see how he reacts. Marriage and “forever” can be daunting – and planning a wedding is a special type of stress that seems to amplify emotions – so I think it’s totally natural for you to be concnered about your FI’s spending. You mentioned that he has been better about his spending and if he stays on track he’ll pay off his credit card soon, and I think those are both very promising signs! Your mom saying that it will only get worse is her projecting onto you her experiences with your father – and that is not fair of her. Of course that was her experience, so that’s what she knows, but not all men are the same, not all relationships are the same. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    4827 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

    Awww girl. I feel for you. Money issues and miscommunication can destroy a marriage. Its the #1 reason for divorce. I would be very very nervous about your FIs money habits. They most likely will not change or improve.

    Post # 15
    Member
    240 posts
    Helper bee

    You are not overreacting. Differing financial “philosophies” can certainly tear a couple apart.

    This was one of the major issues I had with my ex-fiance. He didn’t understand the concept of saving, and he often lived beyond his means. (e.g., He bought a brand new, extremely expensive condo but never paid his HOA fees and stopped paying the phone bill until it got shut off because he didn’t have the money. But he never communicated these things to me, so I only found out by happening upon the information, like finding the letter from the home owners’ association or realizing the phone had been shut off when I went to use it.)

    ETA: My point with the example is that he wasn’t communicating with me, so I wasn’t in a position to help. We weren’t tackling this as partners.

    I think as long as you’re communicating with one another and he is taking steps to change then there’s potential to work it out — as long as, overall, you’re happy with the relationship and trust him. Another big thing is he has to want to change. If he doesn’t seem to want to change and is content with how he lives, then this could potentially continue to be a problem.

     

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