(Closed) Cold Feet or something else

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
46153 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I suggest you get yourself off to a counsellor pronto. You need some help sorting out your feelings and your situation.

Post # 4
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

I completely understand how you feel. I feel that way sometimes about my SO as well (though not as strongly). All I can say is, contrary to popular belief, there really is no THE ONE. You are worrying so much because you keep thinking of your ideal. Well, there is a reason why second marriages have an even higher divorce rate than first marriages. There is no man that is perfect or that is going to meet all of your requirements. It depends on what you believe that is best for you. For me, personally, I have decided that finding the biggest passion of my life is not the best thing for me and my family. I love my SO with all of my heart, even if sometimes I could feel more passion for someone else. But he offers me so much respect and acceptance. The hardest thing in a relationship is to realize that you’re marrying the man as he is, not as you want him to be. The most important thing is for you to stop trying to make him into who you want him to be, and to understand that you guys can live together very happily if you accept each other.

I went through a really tough time with my boyfriend, especially when I was unhappy with him. He could never make me feel better when I was upset, that was a big concern. I was also annoyed by his jokes. After I started focusing on giving him my best and stopped trying to make him into my mold, he started changing and opening up. After that, he started giving me exactly what I wanted, because he felt loved and accepted. I never knew he was capable of supporting me that way. I think your situation is very similar… and all I can say is that I learned to accept him as he was and love him that way, and focus on always making him happy. My favors were returned a millionfold.

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

@AlexisSummer: Lol no problem! Feel free to pm me for more details… I feel like our relationships are eerily similar!

Post # 7
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I strongly, strongly recommend that you go to counseling. When is your wedding? If it’s coming up soon, you may want to talk to your fiance about postponing it while you sort out your issues. This definitely sounds like more than “cold feet,” but it is not an unusual reaction to such a life-changing event, and different people deal with change in different ways.

I experienced some pretty severe anxiety around getting married and there was a period where I was questioning everything. It helped when I realized that I was not in a good place personally and was somewhat depressed, and was essentially (subconsciously) blaming my unhappiness on my partner when, in fact, I was unhappy with myself. I don’t know if that’s what is happening in your case, but usually there are deeper issues that tie into stuff like this and you really owe it to yourself and to your fiance to sort out what exactly is going on and why. Good luck in whatever you decide to do!

Post # 8
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Also, something I left out: are your parents divorced? Were you exposed to examples of healthy, happy marriages when you were growing up? I also realized that a lot of my anxiety stemmed from growing up with parents in a pretty dysfunctional relationship, and that I didn’t really grow up with any examples of truly healthy, happy marriages. Because of this, I had a lot of deep-rooted fears of what my own marriage would turn out to be like.

Post # 9
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

@mckernae: I agree. Counseling is a must, beyond WB and friends and support groups and just reading books on the matter. I used counseling to help me and my SO get better.

Post # 11
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

First, a few things:

“I always assumed I would settle, but I feel like I may be settling TOO much.”

What is this about?  Why do you think you need to settle?  

“For example, I slept for 2 hrs last night b/c I was SO anxious and couldn’t sleep, and spent the night watching TV.”

If your anxiety is getting to a point of being debilitating, you need to see a doctor PRONTO!  

 

Second, it is normal to have feelings of wanting to be alone, or feeling nervous about the wedding.  Do you ever feel like you love him, he is the one for you, and you want to be with him forever?

 

Post # 12
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

@AlexisSummer: Then it’s definitely your fear that the same will happen again. You’re sabotaging the relationship unconsciously. Go see a counselor and try to just be sweet with him, and share this with him… if you can.

Post # 13
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I am going to try to make this as short as possible!

I can see where you are coming from. I have known my husband for most of my life, and neither of us were ever attracted to each other growing up. i always thought I would marry someone I met later in life, and get married into my 30s. Well, I ended up marrying someone whose known me since i was 11, and we started dating when I was 20. Sometimes, I would get the feeling that maybe it wasn’t right, because as much as we have in common and have the same life goals, we are different people. I am white collar (insurance agent, own my own business) he is blue collar (mechanic). It was hard to get him to care about my profession and the goals I have set for myself. he also barely finished high school, whereas I got my bachelors a few months after we got married. He wasn’t a very good support while I was in college, because to him, it was a waste of time. I was lucky that most of my friends were in college, so I leaned on them for support in that area.

But now, we are almost at our second wedding anniversary, and I honestly cannot picture life without him. One thing that has helped on the career front, is he got promoted to a team leader at work, and now he has management responsibilities. He is now coming to be for help and ideas, and really values more than ever my profession and my schooling (I got my BS in Business Admin and Mgmt). We see more eye to eye the older we get, and I am so glad that some of the things I thought would ultimately push us apart have brought us closer together.

My point is, you need to decide for yourself if its cold feet or something more. Ask him to sit down and talk with you about your thoughts and fears, and see if he has any of his own. Go to a counselor if you feel that will help you figure things out. Unfortunately, you don’t have a lot of time before the wedding to figure things out, but I hope you can in the time you have left

 

Post # 14
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@AlexisSummer: Just FYI, I was the same way as you.  I never thought I would meet someone that I just *knew* I wanted to be with.  I figured I’d just get married to whoever made the most sense.  I went through two 4 year relationships that were kind of “meh,”  I loved them but I never felt any urge to spend my life with them.

Then I met my husband and said “oh. Now I get it.”  Because I knew I wanted to be with him.  Do I think there is *one* person for everyone?  No.  But I also don’t think you have to settle.  Just my 2 cents.

 

Post # 15
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@AlexisSummer: I think going by yourself would be a good idea, since it sounds like this may have more to do with you than with him. Even if he is a great guy for you, you need to determine whether or not you need to be alone right now. He could be the greatest guy in the world, but if you are not in the right place for marriage, you’re not in the right place for marriage. 

On the other hand, if this is linked to a fear of marriage or commitment that stems from your childhood, or from you being unhappy with where you’re at in your life, those aren’t necessarily things that are related to your fiance and won’t necessarily go away if you withdraw from your relationship. So yeah, definitely see a counselor on your own to get to the root of what’s going on here.

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