Post # 1
I have always seen past the outer and got to know every guy I’ve dated on a closer level, this being said I was in love with my fiancé before we had our first kiss. My issue is he is a larger guy and has been promising me for over a year that he is losing 50lbs by our wedding ( 2 months away) he also has been trying to get on our local PD this past week he received the letter saying he was chosen to move to the next step. This next step is a physical test. I’m so upset that here we are so close and he has not put in the work to achieve his dreams. I have been patient and have even changed the way I cook to help but looking at bank statements a see multiple fast food transactions.
I’m not sure if it’s the fact that my first husband was a con artist and let me believe that he had a plan for life and our family I put every bit of myself into trying to support him and got nothing. I fell that I’m entering into the same issues this time. I’m the so called bread winner even though my fiancé is employed and I hear about how he wants to do better for “our” family but “our” is really mine. My children and myself have a good place to go if need be and it kills me to think that I’m going to one day put them through another divorce. Their dad is ill and will soon pass away and I need stability and I’m not sure if Fiancé will provide. He is a great guy we get along I just don’t see it working if he can’t shape up and keep his word. Food to him is like a drink to an alcoholic. What would you do?
Post # 3
You’re having cold feet because he didn’t loose enough weight before the wedding?
Post # 4
I would face the fact that people are who they are. Don’t expect someone to change for the better after marriage. Marriage usually makes things worse, not better.
You want him to lose weight. He has to want it and take steps, on his own, to do so. He can’t do it for you. Obviously this isn’t a priority to him. Even if he did lose weight for the wedding or to make you happy, chances are it would be a temporary change and the weight would come back fairly soon.
Either love, accept and marry him exactly the way he is now, no changes needed in your eyes, or face the truth that you want him to change into someone he’s not. That is not fair to either you or him. Maybe you’re in love with his “potential” and not really in love with who he is.
Post # 5
Was he the same size when you met? Personally, if i was in the same situation i would still marry my Fiance ..i love him, his personality not what size pants he wears. Beauty fades.
Post # 6
But this isn’t about losing weight for vanity’s sake–he needs to pass a physical fitness test to become a police officer.
Op, it sounds as if your Fi having a secure and stable career is extremely important to you and law enforcement represented that.
Is he open to counseling at all? For whatever reason, he is sabotaging this career opportunity and hurting your relationship. IMO, counseling would be the next logical step.
Post # 7
I do understand what you mean. It’s not the weight, it’s the fact that he isn’t committed to doing good for himself, and possibly losing the chance of a great career because he’s putting fast food before his family.
Have you spoken to him about finding the fast food reciepts? How did he react?
Post # 8
Best to accept others as they are, not as you’d like them to be. I can’t even imagine the pressure I would feel if my fiance made me “promise” to lose 50 pounds by our wedding date. I would be terribly upset and wishing to be accepted for the person I am. Perhaps refusing by action to do this is his way of rebelling against not being good enough in your eyes.
Post # 9
I’m surprised at the responses here. If the situations were reversed and OP was a man waiting on a woman to loose 50lbsshe would be getting flamed.
Whos to say he can’t pass the physical test as he is?
Post # 10
I get what you’re saying… is he flaky in other aspects of his life? Have you been together long enough to know you can rely on him? If not, maybe it would be best to wait until you feel more secure with him as a partner.
Post # 11
@Sunfire: I’m going to respectfully disagree about him needing to want weight loss for himself and not for her. While I think you’d be correct about almost every personal characteristic, I do believe weight is different. It sounds like the hardest part of losing weight is the beginning stage, before any pay-off is apparent. If he motivates hiumself through this beginning stage by wanting to do it for her, he will soon start to see the change in his body and how he feels, and then I really think he would start wanting to lose more weight and maintain it for himself as well as for her. He probably just needs help getting over the hump.
OP, whether or not it’s reasonable for you to contemplate leaving him because of his empty promises about weight loss, that’s another story. However, the way you connected his failure to lose weight with unreliability and unability to sustain a happy marriage makes me think there is either more to this story, or you could use a little one-on-one counseling for your baggage from your ex. Whatever you do, just explain to him exactly how you’re feeling and what you’re afraid of before you decide to walk. Like you said, you have children who need stability.
Post # 12
that’s it i don’t mind his size I’m a fan of big guys it’s the fact that this is his dream to get back on the force he was a cop for over three years and then moved back home. I want him to do what makes him happy and will help with our future. This is why it makes me upset. He says he wants this job and he won’t put in the work how do i know when he says i want a family he will do what it takes? I have a 5year old with extra needs and life is not all fun and games. I want to know he will put in the work that it takes to make this family work
Post # 13
Have you tried to help him? Therapy, nutrition, exercise, etc? I understand the issue and I think that obesity is a HUGE problem and I would have serious reservations if my Fiance became obese and didn’t do anything about it. That said, it can be a mental health issue and he may really need help from professionals. It sounds like you are resentful rather than concerned, which isn’t really going to help the situation.
Post # 14
@kimjmom: Actions speak louder than words. He needs to start backing his words up with some action.
Post # 15
I would be concerned about it. Other people can say what they want about ‘fat can be fit’, but fast food is NOT healthy. I’d be concerned about his ability to set reasonable goals, and his ability to take steps to achieve those goals. If he’s trying to improve his fitness to pass the police physical exam, he’s sabotaging himself with every McDonalds trip. The fact that he’s hiding it is also a concern. It’s not about the weight, it’s about not following through with his commitments.
I’d sit down and have a serious conversation about where he sees his future going. Counseling might not be a bad idea either, just so he can understand WHY he’s sabotaging himself. Once he understands the why, it’s easier to put a stop to it.
Post # 16
@Taeyers: But with weight there is a fine line between being helpful and being critical of the person who’s trying to lose weight. Once the criticism, or even the hint of criticism starts, then it goes from being helpful to backfiring – and possibly causing the person to overeat even more.
If he really wants to lose weight he will take the necessary steps to do so – without any help or input from her. Otherwise it just won’t work for the long term.