Post # 1
To give you a little backstory –
My FI and I were in a LDR for several months until we got engaged and I moved to his city about 2.5 hours away.
Before we started dating, I had a huge crush in my home city — a friend of a friend that I always managed to bump into. I was oblivious that he had a thing for me as well.
Fast forward 6 months after our engagement… FI and I had a huge blowout fight two weeks ago. He’s since apologized and moved on, but I’m still really hurting, and micro-analyzing every word/action. I’m starting to feel like we have nothing in common, the age gap is glaringly obvious, etc. I don’t know if I’m feeling like this because I haven’t gotten over our argument or if I have genuine concerns.
And dumm dumm dummmm…. Re-enter the crush. He emailed me about organizing a fall camping trip with our group of friends (something I’ve been in charge of for years). Sh*%.
I am at a loss for how to handle the situation and separate out my little crush and the argument for true feelings.
Post # 3
I suggest taking a weekend and going off by yourself somewhere away from everything so you can think over everything. It is much easier to make life decisions if they aren’t right in front of you.
Post # 4
First off, I’m so sorry about your fight.
However, it was a couple of weeks ago so I think you really have to sort out if you’re still upset about the fight, and if so, why? If not, maybe you are having cold feet, and you need to figure out why you’re having cold feet. And figure out if you and your fiance want or are going to be able to work things out.
So first, and probably easiest, I would pause wedding planning until you figure this out. You still have time.
Secondly, do not talk to crush (if at all possible) while working out your thoughts on your relationship. It will muddy the waters, so to speak. If this relationship is important to you, which I think it is, it deserves your undivided attention. So whether you continue with your engagement or decide it’s not going to work out, I believe that you need to do that honestly and with a clear head, and having crush around isn’t going to help anything.
If you decide you really want to work on your relationship and continue on with the engagement, I wouldn’t plan the camping trip with your crush. Distance yourself from him– planning the camping trip is not more important than your (possible) future.
And though you used to have feelings for crush, do you still? It sounds like it. Think about why you might be having feelings for someone other than your fiance.
Good luck and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Post # 5
I agree with noritake22. Sometimes you just need a little distance to put things into perspective.
Post # 6
Are you really ready for marriage?
I don’t mean to be harsh. But when you are really serious about being committed to someone for the rest of your life.. old crushes shouldn’t come up as a justifiable option when you and your FI are having a fight.
Post # 7
Why not find a therapist, just for a visit or two? It might really help in sorting out your feelings and the relationship.
Post # 8
I think you’re making a mistake most women make. Putting the focus on your feelings for another person instead of looking at your current relationship. It’s so easy to become biased when you have feelings for someone else- not saying you should stay with your current partner, just you shouldn’t even think about this other person. Keep your focus on whether or not you want to be with the man your engaged to.
If the fight you had was this hurtful (i.e. you’re still going over it) it might be time to take a few days to yourself and see how you feel. Is it cold feet or do you know you’re not going to enjoy being with this person for the rest of your life?
Post # 9
Can you give a little background? Age difference you are talking about? How long have you known your crush? What was the argument about?
I’ve been in your shoes – however I wasn’t engaged to the person (we were living together and dating for 6 years). We were always arguing (lived together) and the more that I hung out platonically w/ my crush, the more I noticed all the crappy things my BF did to me and they seemed exaggerated…..
Post # 10
I guess I should’ve said — I am NOT going on the camping trimp.
For a little background, we have an age difference of 12 years. He is a single dad to one child.
I guess what threw me off about the former crush is how easy it is when we talk. With my FI, he wants to constantly b*&$# about his family, the President, politics, other people, people he works with, etc. He is SO negative and cynical. I haven’t been back to see my friends in several months, and with them planning this trip and wanting my input, I’ve just had several very refreshing conversations with different friends…. I get off the phone and don’t feel drained by all the negativity.
I’m going to go back and see my friends (minus the crush – I know better!) and see if that’s what I’m really missing, or if I’m just still lingering over that argument.
Post # 11
Well if you’re looking for inspiration on the age gap, my FI and I have a rather significant one and it’s worked for us. I’m 22 and he just turned 46, but neither of us have been married/have kids.
Sorry to hear your feelings are so hurt from the fight. I agree with the other bees. Maybe take a step back and re-evaluate your wants/needs.
Post # 12
Do you think that bringing up the fight with your FI gain (in a nicer way…not attacking him), might help you to resolve what’s still bothering you about it? I find that sometimes, after you’ve had time to think about it, it’s good to bring it up again to make sure you’re being fully understood. Talking with a counselor might also help to get those unresolved feelings out.
I think you need to take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship to be sure this is the man you want to marry. Take the crush completely out of the equasion and just look at how happy you are in your relationship.
Post # 13
In your last post, you talk about how negative and draining it is to talk to your FI. Constant negativity is hard to deal with. Is it like this when you are together? Is it because of stress or is this how he is? Or are you comparing him unfavorably to your crush–and have you seen your crush in stressful or grumpy moments? I offer these not because I think you should do one thing or the other but because it might help you to think about whether you are just seeing one side of your FI or the whole person.
I think your idea of taking a step back and spending time with some friends is a good one. I’m sorry you are hurting!
Post # 14
- Wedding: May 2018 - Coyaba Resort, Montego Bay
Constant negativity isn’t only hard to deal with, it is ANNOYING! I hear ya. I think your best bet is to find a therapist in your area and schedule a couple of visits. Sometimes it helps to talk about things with 3rd party (like the bee!), but obviously a therapist would be able to better serve you! Good luck!
Post # 15
@MsJeep23: I’m beginning to see that its just his personality. He sends me bitter political rants almost every day (those chain-type emails), has constant family drama, and I’ve started to hear some racist/homophobic stuff in the mix. Uncool. I never feel relaxed around him anymore.
I also just feel belittled. For instance, if I say something about being tired, he laughs at me and says I don’t know what tired is since I’m not a parent, nor do I work 24 hour shifts like he does.
I guess this issue the crush presents is that my friends are NOTHING like my FI. I had forgotten how easygoing life was before him. They’re laid back, he’s extremely Type-A. I love him, but I also feel like I’m constantly on eggshells 🙁
Post # 16
@helpthisbee: If you’re feeling belittled, that deserve serious hesitation before you go forward with wedding planning. I agree with previous posters that you would have to see your crush (or anyone) in a negative or grumpy moment to be realistic, because the grass is always greener, but you should not feel as if you’re on eggshells around someone you’ll spend the rest of your life with. I know people who constantly forward political rant chain emails or try to one-up others in levels of fatigue, and it’s just ridiculous. I know I couldn’t be with someone who did that, and if it’s his personality then it’s unlikely to change. Please don’t stay with someone who makes you feel insecure or belittled, life is too short and you deserve a positive, happy person!