(Closed) Cold Feet vent . . .

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3118 posts
Sugar bee

I would say, and not in an accusatory manner, the essence of what you said here. Go slow (which you sounds like you have tried) and try again. 

“Honey, I appreciate the input on the wedding, and I’ll try to make some adjustments for the things that really matter to you. However, please understand that you needed to tell me these things MONTHS ago for some of these things to happen.” Did he bring any of these things up at all….did you give him the opportunity to?

I think that you two need to get on the same page, but that he isn’t the only one at fault here. You are a control freak (by your own admission) and he may not care “nearly as much” about the details, but he’s making and effort to take part in the wedding as well. He probably wants to make it feel like his wedding and not just your wedding and he is one of your accessories. He wants to feel like his opinions and wants matter like yours do. It might not even be about the wedding details, maybe he is kinda freaking out about marrying you too because he doesn’t feel like an equal partner in these huge decisions. From what I can see in your post, you seem to just be shutting him down on everything. Would it be terrible if you had less alcohol? Can your guests afford the nice places, or is he trying to maybe save some of the guests some money? 

I would say that if you can make some adjustments, do it. This day is about him as well and is it really worth “winning” on all the details if it means you are seriously questioning you decision to marry him? Have you talked to him about how this is making him feel? 

ETA: Sometimes, I felt like my FI at the time, now DH, was going to drive me mad. But then I asked myself what we were bickering about in the first place and if I was being reasonable in being annoyed, or if it was a lack of communication somewhere. He may not get that you spent hundreds of hours stressing over the details, but really….are the details what matter on your wedding day?? How can he empathize with the fact that he may think that all you care about is the details and not about going into this as a team….just speculating.

Post # 4
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@missysahib: 

“But I’m hoping I feel SOMETHING POSITIVE on my wedding day.”

I’m with you. We’ve got  8 days to go and actually my FI is super accomodating. But I feel stressed to the core. My entire body feels like a knot. It’s much more “I am trying to pull off an EVENT” than swooning “I’m marrying the best person ever!!!”

I’m also worried about gritting my teeth through the whole thing. Here’s hoping the whole getting ready process will be a 3-hour transition from event planner to bride!

 

Post # 5
Member
3118 posts
Sugar bee

@Balboa:  I would say to you, and to the OP that the worst weddings I have been to are the ones that were planned to death and everyone in the bridal party was so worried about hte little things that they couldn’t even enjoy the party. So I know it is natural to be worried about the details…but at some point you have to let them go and just enjoy the day, even if that is the morning of the wedding.

Post # 6
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It sounds like you may need a bit of a break from wedding planning (even though it’s so soon!). Plan a date with your man, ban all wedding talk (from both of you), and remember why this is the man you’re so excited to marry.

Then, after you’ve had some lovely dovey reconnection time, you all need to sit down and have a calm discussion about any remaining details. This may mean giving up some control — I know how frustrating it is to put in hours on something and then have something else suggested. But, at the end of the day, when it’s this close to your wedding, this is the small stuff. The big stuff is that you get to marry this guy. ๐Ÿ™‚

(Also — I have a trick I use with kids, but it’s appropriate with how I talk to people I’m in relationships with too. I have a tendency to just say no to things I don’t want to do (ie in your situation, you’ve already planned X, so if your FI suggests Y, you’re just going to say that no, it’s too late. Instead, what if you changed it into a yes (“oh, I would love to take our guests to some of the cheap places, but I was really hoping to take them to some nicer places too. Could we do both?”))

Post # 7
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

My advice would be to let some of things go, know that there WILL be things that go “wrong” on your wedding day, and just try to relax and enjoy it. Take a break from all things “wedding” and go on a date with your FI where you don’t even mention the word. 

Remind yourself of what made you fall in love with your FI in the first place

Post # 12
Member
1716 posts
Bumble bee

I’m going to offer a funny tidbit now that things have worked out…

Did you know your feet actually DO get colder when you are stressed? I saw it on mythbusters =) thought that was really cool.

Post # 14
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@missysahib:  You sound like an extraordinary woman.  And he sounds like an extraordinary man.  The stress of the wedding seems to be getting to both of you.  I have a feeling thats why he suddenly has opinions about things he never had opinions about before.

Take some time off — a day, a weekend.  Do something the two of you enjoy doing together and make it a rule that there is no wedding talk allowed.

It just seems like stress.  It happens to the best of us.  Problems in a relationship don’t suddenly go away during stress, they get amplified.  But this too shall pass, and if you both are able to stop and take a moment “for yourselves,” you might see why you wanted to get married in the first place.

Good luck!  I have a feeling I’ll be in your shoes 2 weeks before my wedding as well! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 15
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think this happens to most people to some extent, I’ve certainly been experiencing it. Keep in mind that the wedding is one day…literally every detail could go wrong, but as long as you get married, it’ll be the best day of your life. The wedding is so close now (date twins!) the stress is a lot to handle!

Post # 16
Member
1630 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

While most people may not agree with me…

 

I think it’s 100% completely normal to absolutely despise your fiancee…sometimes.

It’s ok to hate someone as long as at the end of the day you really, really love them.

 

My fiancee drives me batty a lot of the time because guess what? We are two very different people who absolutely adore each other. But what people fail to realize that you and your partner can NOT be the same and therefore you do NOT think the same.

Your fiancee may think he is being “helpful” now that he is offerring these last minute suggestions. Perhaps he sees the crunch time leading up to the wedding and realizes he should step up and try to asisst you? From my experience men can be on completely different planets and not even realize how hard we’re working on things. To most men a cupcake is a cupcake…Try to see it from his perspective.

My suggestion is to take a day off with your hubby-to-be and go on a date. Go spend the night at a hotel so your away from everything wedding. Don’t even mention the wedding. Make it a rule that the wedding is a forbidden topic. Enjoy each other and try to remember why you said YES in the first place. Remember you said YES for a reason. A wedding is meant to be the beginning of your life, not the end.

Good luck to both of you and remember that even the best relationships take patience and marriage is something you work on. Nobody is perfect.

 

 

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